Partner not invited to brothers wedding

[Andy94]

Hello there,
I'm looking for some advice. My brother is getting married shortly under the COVID restrictions of a limited guest list. I am 1 of 4 brothers, 2 are married, 1 is getting married and I have been with my partner nearly 2 years and we have just bought a house together. My brother who is getting married has invited the married partners but not my partner. Numbers are restricted but she feels singled out and I feel like I have been put in an unfair position. I am at a loss of what to do whether I attend the wedding or not go. I am worried about the rift not going will cause my family but if I go it how it impacts for my partner. My partner has got on well with all my family and it was a surprise when I found out she was the only partner not invited.

If they are limited to 30 would they have to un invite someone else so your partner can go, I wouldnt make a big deal out of it, ask if she can go on the reserve list if you want, she wont be the only person who cannot fo.

Obviously it depends on family size, I wasn’t misunderstanding arithmetic what I was saying was I would prioritise a sibling’s partner as part of the core family group before adding on others like friends or wider relatives. It’s relatively unlikely that that group will be 30 or more - clearly if that is the case then it can’t be helped but I can totally see why it’s hurtful for the only sibling whose partner is excluded.

The first reply summed it up.

It is a shame, but COVID and number restrictions make it difficult.
Go along, wish your brother well, enjoy the day and be gracious.

@breadbinbaby but then you're probably disinviting your bridesmaids for a woman who is a relative stranger and who may well not be in your life in 1 year's time. It's fine to marytr yourself to plus one etiquette but I don't think it's ok to expect others to do so.

Yes a girlfriend would probably but in this case she isn’t the op’s girlfriend. She is his partner, so that makes her his family. The have a home together, I assume they plan on living their life together being as they probably just got a 25 year mortgage. So yes, I would invite her as it’s my brothers family and their other halves.

I think not inviting your girl friend under COVID circumstances is understandable. You should go to the wedding.

Where it gets tricky for you is that it highlights that the other partners are married and she is not. Is there tension between you over this? If she wants to be married and you don’t, this could be the catalyst for a breakup. If she and you are both happy with the status of your relationship, then I think you can weather this storm.

That’s a good point about it actually being the highlight he isn’t married, instead of the problem being she can’t come. Maybe that’s why the OP hasn’t come back to the thread?

[quote Flowers500]@breadbinbaby but then you're probably disinviting your bridesmaids for a woman who is a relative stranger and who may well not be in your life in 1 year's time. It's fine to marytr yourself to plus one etiquette but I don't think it's ok to expect others to do so.[/quote]
At no point have I suggested anyone else should do anything nor do I think it who’s ‘martyring’ themselves? Certainly not me. I’m empathising with the OP and his established partner that she’s been excluded from a family occasion. Whether that exclusion is purposeful or purely circumstantial, it’s still hurtful given that multiple other people with the exact same role in the family have not been excluded in the same way. There’s nothing to say that the relationship of the marrying couple will last any longer than OP’s!

The grooms side is 9 (if parents are alive) before even adding in any children (potentially including nieces and nephews) then any friends they have known for awhile.

It is tough and hard and I think you need to try not to take personally that given the numbers someone they have only known for 2 years - a huge chunk of which have been in lockdown meaning they havent gotten to know her as well - may not make the list of 30. This isnt a number based on affordability it is a legal limit who would you decide to remove.

COVID is unfair, the last 15 months have been a series of unfair events for everyone. Your role here is to reassure your partner it isnt personal, how difficult the choice would be and it doesnt mean they dont like her. It is a arbitrary line they have drawn because it has to be not because they want it to be

The difference between girlfriend or partner is subjective though. They've been together less than 2 years and have only just bought a house together. To many that would be a gf and viewed differently from a partner who has lived with someone for a number of years, maybe has children with them.

Yes it is subjective. What I might class as a partner you might not.

The op does think she is his partner though, the bride and groom obviously doesn’t, so maybe the op is hurt that his relationship is not being taken seriously?

@Gymsmile21

That’s a good point about it actually being the highlight he isn’t married, instead of the problem being she can’t come. Maybe that’s why the OP hasn’t come back to the thread?

I’d have absolutely separated from my dh for at least a while after his brothers wedding if we weren’t engaged. Mil was quite clear I was only allowed in photos because I was a fiancée. If we weren’t engaged I’d have been very miserable about not being on the same page in the relationship and his family effectively saying you don’t count until he puts a ring on it would have been the last straw.

You partner needs to get a grip and find a little bit of compassion for the situation your brother find himself in.

You two have been together less than 2 years. Most of that has been during covid and lockdowns. So I'm guessing the bride and groom don't really know her that well.

After themselves and both set off parents Your brother has 12 invitations to give out.

He has 3 brother, 2 are married.
Let say both your parent have one married sibling so thats 4 aunts and uncles.
That leaves only 3 invitations for his friends.

Seeing that your parents has 4 children the chances are good they come from larger families themselves. So my guess is that family members that have known your brother for far longer then your partner have found themselves without an invitation.

Go to your brothers wedding, be happy for him, support him. Don't make it about you.

Covid changes the rules and your partner shouldn’t be upset about a lack of invite. You shouldn’t damage your family relationship over this.

It’s a good point that PP have mentioned, they probably don’t actually know her that well, you’ve only been together 2 years and majority of that has been Covid lockdown, so due to restrictive numbers they’ve chosen to invite someone else instead of her, She shouldn’t take it personally :)

Go to your brothers wedding and enjoy the day, I am sure they didn’t do it purposely to hurt your GF.

@Ozanj

Don’t make a big deal of it now, but when you do get married (regardless of whether it’s with this woman or not) repeat the favour. They get to choose who they want at their wedding but so will you - and if you don’t want the brother’s wife or kids there he has no right to judge it.

That's a horrible thing to say! Things are very different now, there are restrictions, nobody would deliberately miss their siblings partner of the list ( well some might,if they don't get on,but that's a whole different situation)

Tbh if my sister did this to me I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I had a Covid wedding in Aug 2020 in NI with 30 guests and invited my brother and his partner who I had never met at that stage because of covid. They live together, she’s his partner. I wouldn’t have dreamed of not asking her.

Wow this is so petty. I can't understand why you'd be upset really you're lucky there is any wedding at all and you're lucky to be invited.
It's not your wedding so its not your decision who is invited.

Given covid restrictions I would let it go.

It’s hard enough limiting the list in normal times, surprising how numbers add up.

There’s nothing to say that the relationship of the marrying couple will last any longer than OP’s!

Actually cohabitation is not equivalent to marriage. Cohabiting couples are 5 times more likely to split up.

www.thespruce.com/cohabitation-facts-and-statistics-2302236

If you want to be treated like you are married, then get married!

I'm in a similar boat with a sibling's wedding.

Sibling 1 married, spouse invited.
Sibling 2 not married, doesn't have relationships that last more than a couple of years (not judging, I don't care), partner invited.
Sibling 3, me, recently divorced (at time of original invites) partner not invited.

Originally when the invites were done B&G didn't know I was dating but after they found out and met I still wasn't allowed to bring DP to the evening. Fair enough, numbers were already done.

COVID hit, DP and I move in, serious relationship, sibling 2 splits with partner and a cousin pulls out due to no children rule. My DP still not extended an invitation. Then restricted numbers to 30, I wasn't included, as a sibling! I was on the bloody reserve list! Other siblings, plus the husband all included.

Wedding moved again to after 21st June, so likely no restrictions, DP only invited to evening despite spaces having opened up and that was only after I asked for clarification as all invite messages had no names at all on them.

I'm only attending the evening, with DP. The B&G showed me all along they don't give a toss about my feelings and are happy to treat me differently to our siblings so I'm happy (well I'm not happy, it feels like a slap in the face to me but I won't refuse altogether) with my decision to not go to the day alone.

Do what you feel is right OP as the sibling who is being treated differently (but I am biased).