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Original poster

Feeling confused and sad

88 replies

Missanna1989 · 19/07/2018 01:19

I was invited to an old friend's wedding and at first I was excited to go. We don't see each other vwry often and as you get older you move on with your lives and work and seeing each othwr becomes more difficult and she moved away but we always remained friends.
She text me to tell me her boyfriend had popped the question and she was getting married I was happy for her and like I said was excited to attend the wedding.
However we are now nesrly 2 months away from the wedding and I haven't seen her in over a year face to face.
We barely text or talk anymore unless I text first.
And then her wedding is very expensive
Travel costs for petrol will be 50 to 60 pound plus hour plus travel time for me and my partner
The hotel room for one night and a small contentail breakfast is 70 deposit.....
My partner will need a new suit that will cost a fair amount but at least 150 min
And i also dont own anything posh as such so that's another 80 plus for me to buy a dress so we dont look out of place.
Drinks are not included so for me and my partner for the whole day as we are due to arrive at 11am to check in and I assume pay for the other part of the hotel room bill will also have to fork our for drinks at a bar which won't be cheap.
Racking up to well over 300 pounds for her wedding day. Which we csnnot afford. So when she asked if we were coming I explained how expenisve it all was and unfortunately on our budget and with the hoise and bills and other responsibilities we unfortunately wouldn't be able to afford to come
Not to mention. We also have to buy a gift as well....
I said I would send a gift in the post and In happy for her and I hope she has a wonderful day.

She hit the roof and told me.my priorities are off becusee I cannot afford to attend her wedding
I again explained that we couldnt afford to spend that amount of money on items that we were gona use for one day like suits and dresses and petrol and stuff when we already in a limited budget and that I understand why shes upset that o cant come but it can't be helped. And i got a little bit cross and said that my priority is to my family and not going into debt to attend a party.

She didnt reply and blocked me on social media and my phone so im assuming we aren't friends anymore

Im.feelinf really down in the dumps about it all. I wanted to go but I literslly csnnot afford it I have bills and kids and a house. Me and my partner are moving house and we trying to save as estate agents cost money etc. Also we have plans to start our own fsmily and have started trying to conceive a baby which again costs alot of money and that 300 plus pounds would go on a new crib etc for the baby rather than one day.

Im.feeling very guilty for saying i csnt go. And it's unfair of her to make me put my life and my family's life on hold so she can have me sat in a seat on her day.
Am I being unreasonable
Becsuee I dont think I am
I didn't want it to go down like this and im feeling sad that I've lost a friend

OP posts:
WhereIsMyDog · 19/07/2018 10:29

You're overestimating costs

Petrol will be no more than £10/15

You could stay somewhere cheaper nearby

You don't have to drink lots you can have mostly soft drinks and save money there

OF COURSE they are not going to come up to you and ask you to pay for the wedding meal?! What a ridiculous comment

You can spent £20 on a dress either from an inexpensive shop or in the sale

I'm sorry you're skint but you should have said that to her originally. Now she probably has you in the numbers and it's costing her money when you won't be there. You should DEFINITELY have said more than 2 months before that you weren't going

pistolknight · 19/07/2018 10:33

So a tenner for petroleum, 5 for a bra in primark and hof had beautiful dresses in the sale for 15-20, drinks can be cheap, you don’t have to have alcohol, or take a hip flask
I still think you don’t want to go otherwise you would find a way

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2018 11:06

Why on earth are you trying for another child when money is so tight?

Original poster
Missanna1989 · 19/07/2018 11:22

Wow..... at the acussations on my boyfriend. He is a loving sweet and kind man. And he has my best interests at heart
We are a team.
And we love each other with all our hearts
Jesus.
I've done the costs and im.sorry im being realistic. How we choose to spend our money and what we do with our lives is our decision.

Bluntness you sound bitter as hell Hmm
I can't belivee in being shamed for not wanting to spend a small fortune on one night. To someone who wants me to priotise there day over my fsmily food and bills for a month or two.
Again gobsmacked
I was upset and came here for support thank lost a friend wont bother again.
Some.of you are really very horrible.

OP posts:
purplelass · 19/07/2018 11:29

I can't belivee in being shamed for not wanting to spend a small fortune on one night

Please don't take this as being nasty but you've way over-estimated your costs (fuel isn't that expensive / you don't have to stay over / you don't need to spend that much on clothes) which is why people are assuming that there's some kind of back story to this giving you other reasons not to go.

Go or don't go, it's you that has to deal with the fall out, not anyone else on this post. Just be honest with yourself about the reason(s) you're not going.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 11:29

Eh, ok Hmm

senua · 19/07/2018 11:30

I've done the costs and im.sorry im being realistic.

Nope. What you have posted here is not realistic and doesn't stack up.

Firsttimemum892 · 19/07/2018 11:41

Sounds like good riddance

PolkerrisBeach · 19/07/2018 11:41

You are not being "shamed" and people are not being "spiteful" or horrible".

greendale17 · 19/07/2018 11:48

Why have you left it 2 months before the wedding to tell her you can’t come?? You must have know from the outset you couldn’t afford it.

greendale17 · 19/07/2018 11:50

You just don’t want to go because your friend hasn’t been in touch much she got engaged.

senua · 19/07/2018 12:00

You are not being "shamed" and people are not being "spiteful" or horrible".

People have made helpful suggestions and OP has responded by saying "im not aboit to rock up at an expenaive wedding in a dress I picked out from a chairty shop mogjt as well come in sweats".
It sounds like OP doesn't know how to live within her means; she looks down her nose at sensible cost-savings and then wonders why she is skint.

TheLionQueen1 · 19/07/2018 12:05

This thread is madness! Completely agree with PP's, what on Earth are you driving that will cost you £50-60 for petrol for an hours drive?!! what's wrong with wearing a charity shop dress to a wedding? why do you need a new bra for a dress when you just chose one that wouldn't require a new bra? Why do you need to wear heels? And why does your DP need a new suit? Mind blown, too many questions, something a bit shifty here Confused

Slanetylor · 19/07/2018 12:12

Buy a dress that doesn’t need a new bra Hmm

Are you really going to end this friendship because your boyfriend doesn’t own a suit? It’s totally your choice of course, but it’s clearly nuts. When you were excited to go to her wedding, what type of wedding were you expecting?

3luckystars · 19/07/2018 12:24

Have you any friends you could borrow an outfit from?

Anyone at all?

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 13:13

But he needs a new suit, and not just any suit...an m&s suit...

Sorry couldn't resist 🤣

NotBeforeCoffee · 19/07/2018 13:31

I think weddings do sometimes bring to the surface that a friendship is over.
You clearly don't want to go. you sound resentful as if you think you're the only broke person who's ever been invited to a wedding. People make sacrifices to attend weddings for their friends. It's not just 'missing a party' it's a huge moment in her life and by not going you are making a huge statement that her friendship is not important to you.

And honestly, I can't get over the petrol thing. If driving costs you that much I'm not surprised you're broke. I drove from London to Manchester and back for my friends wedding and it cost £50-60.

Oh, also, she's not going to charge you for the meal 🙄 (have you been to a wedding before?)

ToeToToe · 19/07/2018 18:05

How many times did you call her wedding "a party" ? That's probs why she blocked you.

I genuinely don't see why one of you couldn't have driven, and just spent the day there. I've done that for plenty of weddings and parties. An hour is nothing.

No wedding invitation is compulsory - you don't have to go. But I would have made a better excuse than "it's too expensive".

Osirus · 19/07/2018 18:16

I don’t even drive and I know it doesn’t cost £30 for an hour’s drive!

It sounds like you’ve exaggerated the costs to justify not going. It’s fine to just not want to go! It’s

MonkeysMummy17 · 19/07/2018 18:19

I really don't see how anyone has been spiteful or unrealistic in their comments (mine included). If you didn't want to go, you should have just said so rather than the last conversation you had with her being you were excited to attend and then suddenly it's too expensive.

People have offered you plenty of ways you could attend without it costing the earth, if you are too far above shopping in charity shops or supermarkets for dresses that's really only your problem but if those are the reasons you've given your friend then she would quite rightly be annoyed because they are completely ridiculous.

I'm sure you were hoping for confirmation your friend is being unreasonable for being upset with you, but she has every right to be and its up to you now whether you can fix it or if the friendship is gone.

namechangefriday · 19/07/2018 18:27

We went to a wedding - bf new suit from primark and was lovely - cost £40. Dress for me in sale -£20 (which I sold on after for £20).
You’re making up costs to justify to yourself why you can’t go.
Weird thread. You clearly aren’t friends - you don’t have the right to wallow and feel sad imo

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2018 18:29

Yanbu at all, it sounds as though you don't want to really go as yiur not close anymore, and are trying to rationalise it. If you really wanted to, you would spend time researching cheap B&b, stick with soft drinks, buy cheap outfits from George at Asda. As people on here have said, it is an invitation, not a Summons, and you are well within yiur right to decline. She sounds very self absorbed. When I got married years ago, people turned it down for all manner of reasons, I did not behave like that.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2018 18:37

Wow you call 2 months, last minute, that is plenty of time. Its 2 months, not 2 weeks, venues need to know 2 weeks in advance, the actual numbers so she won't be paying out.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2018 18:43

I am shocked at some of the responses on here, most of you sound batty. Op has a right to decline the invitation on whatever premise she wishes. As she said, she is not close anymore to the friend, so does not wish to incur expenses going this brides wedding.

PolkerrisBeach · 19/07/2018 18:50

Of course OP gas the right to decline the invitation.

The reason she's getting pulled up on it is because she's saying it's all because of finances when she's pulled unrealistic figures from the air, and tripled them!

If she doesn't want to go then fine - but be honest about it.