Feeling confused and sad

[Missanna1989]

I was invited to an old friend's wedding and at first I was excited to go. We don't see each other vwry often and as you get older you move on with your lives and work and seeing each othwr becomes more difficult and she moved away but we always remained friends.
She text me to tell me her boyfriend had popped the question and she was getting married I was happy for her and like I said was excited to attend the wedding.
However we are now nesrly 2 months away from the wedding and I haven't seen her in over a year face to face.
We barely text or talk anymore unless I text first.
And then her wedding is very expensive
Travel costs for petrol will be 50 to 60 pound plus hour plus travel time for me and my partner
The hotel room for one night and a small contentail breakfast is 70 deposit.....
My partner will need a new suit that will cost a fair amount but at least 150 min
And i also dont own anything posh as such so that's another 80 plus for me to buy a dress so we dont look out of place.
Drinks are not included so for me and my partner for the whole day as we are due to arrive at 11am to check in and I assume pay for the other part of the hotel room bill will also have to fork our for drinks at a bar which won't be cheap.
Racking up to well over 300 pounds for her wedding day. Which we csnnot afford. So when she asked if we were coming I explained how expenisve it all was and unfortunately on our budget and with the hoise and bills and other responsibilities we unfortunately wouldn't be able to afford to come
Not to mention. We also have to buy a gift as well....
I said I would send a gift in the post and In happy for her and I hope she has a wonderful day.

She hit the roof and told me.my priorities are off becusee I cannot afford to attend her wedding
I again explained that we couldnt afford to spend that amount of money on items that we were gona use for one day like suits and dresses and petrol and stuff when we already in a limited budget and that I understand why shes upset that o cant come but it can't be helped. And i got a little bit cross and said that my priority is to my family and not going into debt to attend a party.

She didnt reply and blocked me on social media and my phone so im assuming we aren't friends anymore

Im.feelinf really down in the dumps about it all. I wanted to go but I literslly csnnot afford it I have bills and kids and a house. Me and my partner are moving house and we trying to save as estate agents cost money etc. Also we have plans to start our own fsmily and have started trying to conceive a baby which again costs alot of money and that 300 plus pounds would go on a new crib etc for the baby rather than one day.

Im.feeling very guilty for saying i csnt go. And it's unfair of her to make me put my life and my family's life on hold so she can have me sat in a seat on her day.
Am I being unreasonable
Becsuee I dont think I am
I didn't want it to go down like this and im feeling sad that I've lost a friend

@Bluntness100 - I also wondered about OP's DP's negative input into her decision?

I think people are assuming you initially accepted an invitation and then cancelled, however it doesn’t sound to me like that’s the case.... Did you ever accept an invitation or not?

If you never accepted an invitation of course she’s being massively unreasonable. (And if you did her reaction still seems a bit drama llama) Others are focusing on the jacked up costs, and yes you could do it cheaper, but that doesn’t really matter, whether it’ll cost you 30 or 300, if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it and it’s horrible to make someone feel bad about that

OP - I think you should contact your friend and explain that you are very stressed about money at the moment, but that you do value the friendship.

If this mends things and If you still want to go, then find a cheaper way to go.

Is your partner a bit negative about your friends?

Charley yes, I'm wondering how much of this is about the partner not wanting to go and if there is a back story here.

This is a wedding an hour away. She's had plenty of notice. There is no need to spend over 300quid on it. It's all a bit odd really.

Look, you could have driven to a wedding an hour away for £30 or so worth of petrol, and none of the other things you've listed are really essentials, and certainly not at the prices that you've quoted. Most weddings now are smart casual, so expensive suits and outfits are not necessary. You don't need to drink like a fish - just stick to sparking water or similar and your bar bill would be super cheap. And you definitely don't need to book a room for something just one hours drive away!

In a nutshell, you don't want to go. That's fine, but don't pretend it's about the money, because it really isn't.

If one of my friends said they couldn't come to my wedding because they could afford £200/250 worth of new clothes, then I'd say they had their priorities wrong - your friend wanted you there, rather than a posh suit and frock! And yes, I'd be hurt that you didn't want to come to my wedding.

An hour's drive is not £50
Don't stay the night, just come home.
Wear something you've already got, DP could just wear trousers and a shirt.
Buy a token gift.

Or accept that your friendship is over.
YABU to make excuses if the real reason is you don't want to go.

Haven't read the rest of the comments so this may be opposite to everyone else... But the wedding is an hour away? You don't need to stay over or drink all day? If she was once a good friend you could drive an hour and back in the evening? At my friend's wedding my husband couldn't get work off and even though everyone was in suits, he came straight from work in his usual work clothes and she was so happy he made the effort to drive 1.5 hours after work to show his face? Clothes don't matter, you don't need alcohol or a hotel room? If you had messaged and said you couldn't stay/drink or wear a suit, she could have made the choice to say not to worry? Instead you said no after already telling her you would go? Anyone now getting your invite (assume she already bought your meals ect as 2 months away) will know they are second choice? And surely you knew more than 2 months before you weren't going! Does make it awkward for her due to time frame but still weird to delete you from her life. I would be angry but not delete you from my life!

Also the not seeing each other for a year, is that more uou than her? Has she invited you to other things you've declined?

It's one thing to lie to your friend to try to explain why you won't go, although I'd have made it more believable than the crap you posted here. But it's another thing to start a thread on mumsnet saying uou cant go because your partner needs to spend 150 quid on a suit. And you 80 quid on a dress, that you need to stay over and that fuel will cost you 60quid, what does your car run on, liquid gold?

It’s done now, but if it was a really good friend, I would have borrowed something to wear and gone by myself to the wedding, left early and not have stayed overnight. You have up to a year to give a wedding present so you could have made her something. You could have done that for very little cost.

But I understand you just got overwhelmed when adding up all the costs and stress but really you just did not want to go and your friendship is over now. It’s not the end of the world! Good luck to her.

She's probably already paid the venue for you and your partner's meals which are generally about £60 per head.

Also don't understand why one of you can't stay sober to drive there and back?

It does seem a bit extreme to block you on social media though.

I agree with the majority that your costs are way over estimated. Suits and outfits from high street stores cost much less than you're suggesting. Furthermore, it's an hour away, why wouldn't you just go home afterwards? Petrol for an hour's journey will only cost max £10-15, we visit our in-laws who live an hour away for Sunday lunch! You are not unreasonable to not go, but don't make excuses, just be honest but in a kind way. For me, a friend's wedding, even one I'd not seen on a while would be a priority. If she's invited you it means something to her to have you there and I can understand that she feels hurt.

It just sounds like you don't want to go. Your excuses are pretty rubbish. I'm not entirely surprised that she's upset, but if she wanted you at her wedding and you can't really be bothered to go then it was always going to cause hurt feelings.

Hey
Wow. Some got he comments on hete are quiet frankly horrible
It's over an hour by car drive to the venue so like 25 to 30 quid and then back will be the same when I say an hour I mean and hour plus each way.
I have nothing to wear nothing.
So dress eith a bra to match I incase its low cut or somthing I own no heels or anything so the whole clothing situation for me woukd be about 80 and no im not aboit to rock up at an expenaive wedding in a dress I picked out from a chairty shop mogjt as well come in sweats. A suit in marks and Spencer min is between 80 to 150 I round up as again knowing my luck you never know
The deposit not the full cost but the deposit on the hotel for one night is 70
I haven't been told how much the rest is
Drinks at the bar for 2 all day also. It it's hot like it has been I expect to spend more.
I never recieve a formal invitation.nothing just a shitty text about if im.coming and if i am i need to pay the hotel. And my boyfriend doesn't tell me what to do but I happen to agree with him it is alot of money for one evening on someone else's day. I wasn't rude I was poiler when she text and explained that I couslnt afford it but I wished her a happy day. She had sent out a save the date card like a month after being engaged eith there names saying save the date. That's it... that is not an invitation. I was waiting for a proper you are invited with times and dates and prices etc. Nothing
She then went and changed the date of her wedding a few months later anyway and also didn't inform of that. I feel like there's been alot of hidden costs to this wedding they also expecting gifts but didn't do a list so I was confused to what to get. Or do a money donation.
In not being over the top. But my partner and I both work and we have bills and a child and we been trying for another and I dont think spending 300 plus on one evening is the best way to go.
I've never received such hateful spiteful comments before.... when I was a ranting because I felt her reaction was unfair
B feeling sad as i didnt think it would end a friendship
Sorry shall I go into debt so im able to attend a party for one day.... no of course not. I tried to save but cars need mot and on no gona have to pay ou5 extra on this bill. Kids need shoes. School trips. This and that. Life is unexpected.
Just wow..... I never formally RSPVed. I feel like you will get to the tablet they will hand you a menu and ask how you will be paying for your meal. Therefore the guests are paying for themselves to attend her wedding and that's not fair.
Like I said I was happy and I hope she has a marvoulus day but I can't condone spending that money when my fsmily comes first.
Thanks for your time

It's a shame she reacted like that but she's probably horribly offended that you aren't prepared to make any sacrifices for the sake of your friendship.

A wedding being an hour away is local by wedding standards - it's ridiculous to say this will cost £50-60 in petrol, what are you driving, a tank? My car would cost £10 max.
There's plenty of cost efficient clothes available and summer sales have started, you don't need an £80 dress. You're making this about you, I'm sure she would prefer you to turn up in an old dress than not at all. it's about your presence not how you look.

Like you say, friendships drift as we get older, so it's important to make the effort, especially on big occasions! I can't see the friendship continuing if you don't go to the wedding... but maybe that's what you want?

You clearly came across as if you didn't want to go, which might be why she was upset.

So when she asked if we were coming I explained how expensive it all was

It sounds to me that the sequence of events was:
OP was told of the wedding and "excitedly" said she was going.
Bride sent out invitation
Bride confirmed numbers to caterers
Bride chased up OP because there was no RSVP
OP says that she has changed her mind, tries to blame finances but blows it by quoting ridiculous, made-up figures for costs.
Bride loses it. Unsurprisingly.

This is bonkers, you clearly just don't want to go. She knows that, accept it and move on.

Seriously 30 quid to drive an hour and he needs an m&s suit. And you need a new bra just in case,

Right,

Fair enough if you don’t have the little money it would cost to go. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it. But you have just posted a complete repeat of your initial post with the same costs when everyone has explained that most of the costs are moot.

Petrol is not that dear. If that’s what your car costs to run and you are as skint as you claim you need to trade for a car with normal running costs.

You don’t need to stay the night. The last few weddings we have been to have been around 2hrs away. We drive there and back. Quicker coming back as no traffic at that time of night .

You dont need your DH to go if that’s an extra cost. Just go yourself. You don’t need to whoop it up at the bar, just drink water, will cost virtually nothing.

I’m sure you could get a new dress that’s acceptable for a lot less than you think. Borrow shoes if they are truely a one off.

Get a modest photo frame as the gift and write a note that it’s to put a chosen wedding photo in.

Your update makes it pretty clear that you don't want to go. You could have gone on your own and driven there and back to keep costs down.

Now that people have pointed that out you're saying that there will possibly be other costs. First it was £70 for hotel and breakfast now that's just a deposit. It is also highly unlikely you are going to be asked to pay for food (and you know it).

If you don't want to go that's fine, but be honest about it. It is a lot of money for one night but as has been pointed out there's many ways to do it cheaper. You could buy a perfectly nice dress in a supermarket or TK Maxx for £20.

f that’s what your car costs to run and you are as skint as you claim you need to trade for a car with normal running costs

I drive a large 4x4. Doesn't cost me anywhere near 30 quid to drive an hour or so, probably more like a fiver.

She's clearly got a Ferrari.

Cor blimey OP, why are you so angry? Maybe your friend is a bit rubbish at sending invites.. as that seems to be a catalyst for the rest of your beef. I don't get why you feel sad if you're so resentful of her.

Personally I love weddings and find them a great way to hang out and get drunk with old friends I don't see much anymore. I like being a part of a couples happiness, (and getting drunk and dancing lol).
For that, they're worth the cost, which as everyone has said, you've overestimated.

Maybe it was her pressuring you to book a room that was bothering you?

You are pulling figures out of thin air to justify why you don't want to go.

Driving 60 miles in a car which does 35 mpg costs about a tenner. not £30.

You do not have to stay over at the venue. You can come home and cut the cost for accommodation completely.

You do not have to spend £80 on a dress, and heels and so on. All of the big stores have sales on at the moment, we were in debenhams yesterday and they had 70% off a lot of dresses which would be ideal for a wedding. Heels are not compulsory. Smart trousers and a shirt perfect for a man who hasn't got a suit. Or a Southgate-style waistcoat.

OP knows she has been unreasonable by saying she's going, then saying she's not going, and has come up with all sorts of ridiculous "costs" to justify herself.

I actually don't think anyone has been spiteful at all. I am in fact really happy that all of the comments seemed quite fair as sometime the B word gets thrown around with weddings!
I don't think you sound like a nice friend and you definitely don't sound like you want to go. Only an hour away is a dream!!! I've driven hours for friends weddings. Shock horror I've even got on a plane!

Surely you had said before this that you could go? If so, you would have known how much it would cost then and said you would attend.

I think YABU but she is also overreacting.

All this though over going to a wedding an hour away. It's mind boggling.

Op what was the purpose of posting, were you trying to see if your numbers/excused were remotely believable to any one else?

No one on here believes the excuses you're posting, so you can probably see why your friend doesn't either.

And you're saying some horrid things about her too, you know she's not going to charge you for the meal for example. It's all a bit off.