DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

This doesn’t sound like a renovation project at all- just the usual cleaning and decorating before you move in somewhere. I was picturing him having you knocking down walls and crawling under floorboards.

Have breakfast before you start work
Try staying focused on the end result. It will be worth it once you move into a lovely newly renovated home

I feel frustrated on your DH’s behalf just reading this, if I was dealing with it in person it would drive me up the wall.

So you show up late, no breakfast for whatever reason even though you’re an adult, stop for lunch and then don’t come back for a while because you’re sulking about it.

Nah. It wouldn’t fly with me, I’d be annoyed too.

Why are you starting so late?

Agreed, I was twitching just reading it. I couldn't be doing with such delicacy, and I am not as hardy as my DH even.

So you’d rather him be lazier so you don’t feel the guilt? Like previous posters said- there are things within your power to improve the situation. Get up early, eat beforehand- you’ll have more energy, the job will be done sooner and you’ll have more time to relax.

Agree with lots of comments, you need to be more prepared with food and be bringing the food with you.

You also need to agree a work schedule and it sounds like you are doing short days and wanting time off as well.

We have done several proper renovations and cleaning of cupboards and mopping would not count as renovation work to me, knocking walls down, thermal boarding walls, a new kitchen or bathroom is a renovation. We would be starting around 8am (no neighbours) and on houses where had neighbours we would be doing quiet jobs.

I would suggest increasing your work time but have days off as well, preparing plenty of food and listening to uplifting music to help spur you on

To be fair you do sound incredibly lazy and it would really put me off a partner .. my dh's work ethic is one of the things that attracted me to him. Nipping back to bed after a few hours because you were so miserable is fairly bonkers.

Maybe she doesn’t want to renovate? I don’t like the mess of renovation and I don’t want to do any of the heavy messy stuff but that’s ok because dh knows that and enjoys that. He destroys the walls and rebuilds, I paint and clean up. Works for us.
Seems a lack of respect on both sides perhaps and a lack of communication.

Honestly I'd get frustrated with you as well.

Not really. Your DP is carrying you on this project. If i were him I would be looking long and hard at my relationship.

Sorry but if I was doing a renovation project with someone who turned up at 11 ( !!!) had no energy due to lack of food and left at 2.30 to sit in bed( !!!!) and eat lunch Id be massively pissed off. Get organised ( Old clothes,packed lunch, flask ready to be filled) the night before. Get up, hot shower,dressed,EAT BREAKFAST, go with him and work the same hours he does.

You behaviour and general attitude to this shared project are lazy and slovenly. You'd drive me mad too! Your relationship is unlikely to last.

Sorry OP but you would drive me nuts!! I’m team DH here. Getting there an hour late, stopping for an hour and a half, essentially behaving like a child. I would find you very difficult to work with

Why are you going to such great lengths to move in with someone who makes you feel like crap?

Such great lengths to make her feel like crap? … by him doing hugely disproportionate more work than the op?
She’s treating him like crap, letting him get there to start work in his own, then sitting in bed for hour on an extended lunch break miserable because he’s not fawning over her minimum effort.

OP comes across that you’re lazy and petulant. DP likely wishing he had a partner who steps up, gets stuck in and completes projects as a Team instead of whining, thinking woe is me and skiving. Don’t blame him being frustrated. He’s carrying OP and yet she’s the one mumping.

It does sound like you're taking the piss a bit, so I'm not surprised he's fed up.

Just go at 10, have breakfast beforehand and take a packed lunch with you? Pull your weight with the project and things might start to feel more equal between you, and then you'll be on a better footing for negotiating which jobs are priorities and when you can both take some time off to relax.

Get a decent audiobook to listen to while you work, to make it less boring.

I have a little more empathy for your situation than some.

I’ve been involved in a long term renovation, where circumstances changed and everything got delayed.

I’d never do it again. We had years of having no money as every penny had to go towards the house. Living in a building site with only access to items which weren’t stored away ( to protect them from the building work), and never feeling able to fully relax, have the odd afternoon or evening away, etc as there was always so much to do was draining.

My DH had more ‘skills’ than me so I was frequently cleaning up after him so he could move on to the next ‘important’ task. I hated always clearing up a mess I didn’t make.

BUT you are currently in the situation where the work needs to be done, and there really is no way out except to carry on.

It’s probably best to grit your teeth and get on with it. It’s going to take forever if you’re only doing a few hours at a time, and it’s understandable that will irritate your DP if he’s working flat out.

Is there any sort of compromise you can make? Maybe you pick up more of the normal household jobs, cooking, cleaning, etc to free his time up for the renovation?

Grow up.

I presume you manage to turn up for work on time and having eaten something?

Are you actually a 15 year old?

Step up and contribute.

Fuck knows why you aren't eating before arriving - bit weird...

I'd be disappointed in you as well. It's not fair to rock up and hour later and then go off for lunch. And your DP is right about the jobs that need doing. It sounds like you are not compatible at all long term, if I was him I'd go and find someone who was prepared to share the burden