DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

@basw i am like your husband. I am super practical and I enjoy working - I’ve done big renovations and been exactly where you are. My DH is slow and not very implicated and it drove me mad.
I’ll be honest and say you sound like a passenger which is exhausting for the other person. You agreed to the renovation so have breakfast and turn up. Eat at 8, 12 and 6 and work in between on what you’ve committed to.

There is no point in doing three or four hours a day on a big renovation; you simply won’t finish and it will cost you so much money and time.

Sit down with him and agree a working pattern and a project outline - what time you are both starting, which days, lunch time, break times, dinner time etc. List of jobs for you for the next two weeks; same for him. Treat it like the project it is and you need a project manager. Don’t say yes to things you don’t really want to do in life because the other person will have to carry you through it and it’s not very authentic in terms of relationships. Think of when it’s finished and you can enjoy it!! Renovations are very very hard even for people who love them.

I renovated once with someone who wanted to loll about in bed for half the weekend and sometimes didn’t get going until 2pm, it caused a lot of resentment. He also wanted to do it all himself because he was tight. Unsurprisingly it took the best part of a year.

You’re hating this situation, I get that.

Instead of waiting for him to assign your roles why not choose your own that you enjoy? For example if DH and I are decorating, I prefer to paint with a roller so I’ll do the majority of that. I will paint with a brush if need be.

If you don’t want to scrub the floorboards simply say “No, I’m not doing that. If you want that done do it yourself.”

Change your mindset to one where you’re thinking towards completion rather than focusing on the laborious.

I’d be annoyed at you too - why are you only getting there at 11 if he’s there at 10? Why are you taking a 1.5hr lunch to sit in your bed? Sh*t needs done, just bloody get on with it. I could not be doing with someone who couldn’t be bothered.

With your updates OP you sound bone bloody idle. The jobs your DP wants you to do don't sound unreasonable, especially filling the gaps in the floor, it's a one off job. Pull your finger out and pull your weight.

Try to meet him halfway. At least start at the same time after having breakfast, and pick a job that needs doing and feels manageable rather than letting him assign you one . At the moment you are behaving like a sulky child. Someone needs to break that pattern.

Why have you decided to do something you clearly hate doing?

His standards don’t sound high, yours seem low. You might be happy to cut corners but things should be done right the first time, to stop later problems. It sounds like he gave you an easy job of cleaning the cupboards and you just moaned. What would you like to have done?

So I hate DIY, am not good at it and would be incredibly slap dash if left to my own devices. Thank god I’m married to my DH! I understand the feeling of hating them being disappointed in you. I really struggle being careful (can’t paint edges to save my life) and hate the labour of it all.
However, you can’t be rocking up later etc. It’s not fair on your partner. The jobs you’re doing are all standard things (and I say this as a DIY skiver!). You need to be contributing fairly to the joint project.
What we’ve worked out with major stuff (my husband is fitting our bathroom himself for example) is that I keep the house running, look after our child, cook the meals etc instead. But for the stuff you’re talking about, you can share that if you actually rock up and do it! Plus it seems like you haven’t got children together so both of you are available at the same time. The less you do the longer it takes!

You turn up at 11 but haven’t had breakfast in that time so then take a break between 2:30-4pm?
Sounds exhausting for your partner to realise he’s made a huge financial and social decision with someone not willing to pull thru weight. You not wanting to try harder because you’re upset he’s annoyed with your current effort sounds like weaponised incompetence.

You sound miserable and totally unsuited to a reno.

But dragging it out is going to make it worse.

Get stuck in, get it over with and get on with your life.

Why are you turning up late, having not even eaten, and then taking a long extended lunch, and crying because you're not given easy tasks? No wonder he's completely frustated.

Also, "So the dirty job he got me doing was scrubbing on top of the kitchen cabinets. But to me these are out of site so i would have just left them."
His standards aren't high, they're normal. Yours are low.

be proactive and plan what you are going to do.
He’s probably as frustrated as you at have to be your ‘boss’ so stop making him take that role.
The renovation needs doing- stop sulking and plan how that’s going to happen, with you helping equally. At the moment it sounds very much like weaponised incompetence on your part so that he will do it all.
Have breakfast before you arrive, take sandwiches and crack on.

This has got to be a reverse, surely.

So are you suggesting they use AI to critique the poster’s “effort “ as that would be more valid?

Hi op, I am also not a fan of DIY and would hate what you describe. I would never agree to it. The problem is, you have agreed to it, and it's ended up more work than planned. You hate the situation and I get that. Does your DH understand that and did her persuade you to agree to the project, or did neither of you realise how you would feel about it?

Where you are now though, unfortunately, is that the work needs to be done and the less you get through in a day, the longer it will take. It might help to plan in advance so there are no nasty surprises each day. Say if there are any jobs you won't do - try to play to your strengths. Agree what you will each do and Make sure you have nice drinks and snacks to keep going.

I’m pretty bone idle but you sound worse than me!

I'm not sure it's a renovation. It sounds like it's getting a flat ready to live in. Cleaning the top of cupboards is an actual cleaning task. It's hardly hardcore let's knock a wall down, make good and replaster. My ex was exactly as you describe yourself. One of the reasons I left him was he was lazy. He would moan about any job, never do it, be pissed off for being criticised, still do fuck all and then sit on the sofa and watch TV whilst people literally worked around him. I think you need to seriously have a talk to yourself.

Hmmm. I can hear you are very down, OP, and I do feel sorry about that. I don't want this to make you feel worse, but I can see where your DH is coming from, and I would feel the same. You don't want to do it and feel forced into it, so you're deliberately doing a shit job and making your displeasure known with every step. If you bucked up a bit, the jobs would go quicker.

You don't arrive until 11am, yet you haven't had breakfast. That's easily solvable, if you're going to arrive late, at least eat first. Have lunch earlier, so you have the energy to get through the afternoon. And really, a 2 hour lunch is a joke. Take half an hour and get back to it. Your DH is giving you the easy jobs. Scrubbing cupboards, whilst boring, doesn't require skill and can be done relatively quickly, unlike plastering a room, for example.

Carpet fitters will charge you if they have to scrape and prepare your floor before fitting. If you've run out of budget, it's logical he is saying you both have to do the job yourselves. Really, OP, it's clear you hate DIY, but woman up and get on with it so you can enjoy a nice space.

Wow, you sound lazy.

You get there way later than him, moan about everything he asks you to do, and then slope off to bed for a rest at lunchtime and don't appear again for hours later then when you do you are in a mood?

I would be annoyed at you too.

Cleaning the tops of the kitchen cabinets is not a dirty job and its a job that needs doing. You are not an invalid and are perfectly capable of climbing a step ladder to clean the tops of kitchen units. He is not asking you to do anything that you are not able to do. I am in my 50's and regularly do this myself.

My DH and I have been doing renovations and I have done as much lugging, bending, climbing ladders and dirty jobs as he has done. We have done it together, because we took it on together. We have been lugging stuff about, moving heavy stuff, moving furniture, the lot.

Stop playing the 'but I'm a woman I can't possibly do this' card and get stuck in.

If you are going to continue with this renovation then you need to talk and sit down and plan properly who is doing what, and what the expectations are. You took this on together and you can't expect him to do it all. Discuss the jobs that are left and decide which ones you want to do, but be fair and don't just pick all the easy ones and the ones where you won't get dirty. Compromise, help and get stuck in.

DH and I have found renovating together fun and rewarding. We have had contractors in for some of the stuff we can't do but have done lots of stuff ourselves, including all the difficult clean up jobs. Yes its hard work but the finished project looks amazing and its really rewarding seeing it all come together and the vision you had coming to life.

It sounds like be is being mean, but that is most likely out of frustration.

My view is that the problem is not your DP but communication and expectations of each other.

You need to sit down and talk about this. You can discuss work outstanding, time table, pace. Eg can you both take a breather?

Renovating is tiring and stressful, no getting round that.

You do need to help yourself though - eat breakfast, bring food and a flask of coffee with you, whatever helps.

It sounds more like a bit of decorating than a renovation - I thought you meant re roofing a 3 story Georgian rectory rather than cleaning the tops of a few kitchen cupboards in a flat. C'mon OP, you could have finished the cleaning in the time it took you to write your post.

Honestly, it sounds like you have taken on a project and are now seeing it as a fun little sideline for you, but a job for him.

Why weren't you there until 11? Why hadn't you eaten yet? Why did you only want the least strenuous job?

If you have both committed to this, you should be more adult about it. If I were him, I'd be fucked off with you floating in and out doing the easy bits and then flouncing off in tears if I'm frustrated with doing the grunt work.

You're expecting to live in this place too, and signed up to it together. Why is it not also your responsibility to work on it? Did you not wake up together and get on with the day together?

And that's barely a reno, you're redecorating your own property. Blimey.

I'm not sure you two should be moving in together at all. Renovation is utterly shite but it does often reveal an underlying dynamic.

You sound lazy AF. Scrubbing down kitchen cabinets does need doing if you've had work done and dust generated.

You're lying in bed most of the day and appear to be unable to feed yourself properly.