DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

This

Do you have MH issues?

You could talk together about the next jobs that need doing and agree who is doing what and when. Then you can make sure you are balancing rest and work.
Feels like resentment is building up. Renovating is hard and miserable work. You need to plan your time, take, rest and food, and you do have to put in the hours.

What did you think it was going to be like before you took the project on? Are you equally invested financially?

Have you tried having breakfast and turning up at 10 o'clock and seeing how the day goes?

Not sure if you are being unreasonable - it depends on what the expectations were when you took on the project, whether there's a timeline you'd agreed to that you are unlikely to meet if you both worked at your pace, whether you do other work when he doesn't, etc.

He is rude but tbh you don't sound like you are putting in much effort.

i have rennovated before and it was so miserable it took me 5 years. I was alone and poor. This time round I told DP i want to save to have contractors do most. But unexpected costs came up and ate into the budget, so we ended up painting the whole flat except wood work.

ATM we have lots of boxes packed in living/dining room so the bed is the only place to be.

We have hired some contractors but cant afford to hire them for everything.

DP standards are way higher than mine. So the dirty job he got me doing was scrubbing on top of the kitchen cabinets. But to me these are out of site so i would have just left them.

We also ripped carpets up and are getting carpets refitted. So DP wants us to scrape every tiny bit of dirt out of the floorboard cracks and then fill all the larger gaps with wood filler to keep it clean and prevent mice. Where as i would have just hoovered and laid the carpets. So to me this is drawn out due to DP high standards.

We weren't meant to work this weekend. The only plan was to mop. But we pay a painted by the day for the woodwork and he got through only 3/4 of what we hoped and used what we budgeted for. So it was only last night I found we need to paint the last quarter by ourselves.

I was planning on just taking it easy today, have a lie in for a bit, read, write, then do a few hours this afternoon but DP expected me to be there and work all day.

I didn't take so long to eat lunch I was just exhausted and miserable and didn't want to go back up.

That's not high standards.....

Is this a reverse?

You get there an hour late.
Don’t have breakfast - not sure why.
Then have a break between 2:30-4

The whole time he’s working his ass off to get it done.

I would be really annoyed if I was trying hard to get our property ready and my OH was late, having extended breaks and moaning about ‘hard work’.

Why choose a property to renovate?

There is no point in moaning about it. Yes you wanted to use contractors, now you can't. Time to pull your sleeves up and get on. It doesn't sound like that high a standard TBH. We all need to wash above cabinets now and then otherwise it's gross.

How is that high standards? They are NORMAL standards. The bare essentials. Your idea is, if you can't see it, it doesn't matter. I thought he had you stuck up a chimney they way you were talking...

DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder

HOW is cleaning the top of the kitchen cabinets a hard job? How on earth did it make you cry. Seriously you really do sound extremely lazy and childish.

@Rabbitinahabit gosh so mean

This reminds me of me and my now ex dh. To be honest his attitude just drove me crazy. He once went to bed for a whole day when we were supposed to be decorating, I did it myself and to be honest it completely put the nail in the coffin (amongst other things). If you have both agreed to do this the least you can do is get up together, have breakfast and get started together. Your dh clearly feels he’s doing the main load of it and that’s a horrible place to be.

You sound lazy and your DP sound like he has good standards and you are a bit slovenly. I'm not sure you are compatible long term.

Grow up. There is a job to be done and there are 2 able bodied people able to do it. Turning up late, leaving early, going to bed, moaning and crying doesn't help anyone. If my husband was work shy it would drive me mental.

Get up at 6am. Breakfast and dressed by 7am start work by 8am. 1030am break for 15 mins work until 1230pm. Lunch one hour. Work 130pm-5pm

This sounds like a reverse. Do your fair share! Why dont you plan your meals better and pitch in? Lazy lazy.

You do sound lazy.

Can you make more of an effort tomorrow?

You’re not compatible

Those aren't high standards, just normal jobs. Normal miserable jobs for a renovation.

I think you might need to give yourself a pep talk and get stuck in.

The 11am start with no breakfast is taking the p.

Maybe you can sit down and talk about working to your strengths and divvying up the miserable jobs fairly.

You can't see it so you don't need to do it? That's slapdash I'm afraid and it will come back to bite you later. Shortcuts rarely work out well

Yes your DHs way takes longer but you'll get a better finish. Renovating is boring and hard work, I'm with you there.

But you need to get up earlier and have breakfast/ snacks prepped. If you start work at 7am you could legit finish at lunch and still have half a day to yourself.

It sounds like ges tried to give you a really easy straightforward job of cleaning the cupboard tops and you cried. I'd find that pretty frustrating.
You haven't answered many questions really.
But it does sound like you aren't pulling your weight

I've seen enough Grand Designs episodes to know the women are often leaving the men to it/feeding them then choosing the soft furnishings.

If DIY is not for you could you do a day of overtime at the weekend so there is more money in the pot to pay the trades?

His standards sound perfectly normal to me. The sooner you finish the flat, the sooner you can move in. Why aren't you having breakfast and why not make sandwiches in the morning to eat for lunch. And why are you starting at 11am? I don't think you're compatible with each other and this project wasn't a good idea for you personally.

I would be so exasperated if I were your DP.

My EX-H was like you, always trying to get off doing hard work even when we'd agreed it needed doing. Always moaning about being hungry, always late.

He's and EX-H for a reason.

Definitely a reverse!

No one would admit to being this lazy.