DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

I have to agree with other posters. DP has normal standards, you are lazy. It's normal to clean the tops of cupboards and it's sensible to fill in air gaps before carpet is laid. I pity your DP tbh.

I also can see why he’s irritated, do you think he’s loving it, he’s getting it done as it needs doing, and you’re leaving the majority to him, and being miserable

he doesn’t have impossible standards he’s jus6 doing it right, you want to cut corners,

but turning uo at 11, doing two and a half hours, then taking an hour and a half lunch then crying and being miserable as you don’t want to clean the kitchen cupboards as you can’t see them is not good behaviour.

you agreed to do this, so pull your finger out and do it,

at least they bothered to ask AI - unlike you just criticising.....

i am with you on that. Sounds like a teenager’s attitude here. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if someone else was working like a horse on a joint project. Like what’s going on? If it’s miserable, stick some music, podcast or an audiobook on, call someone whilst doing the physical work. This way you’re tickling your brain and burning the calories and transforming your home. Why should it be easy? Anything that’s worth anything in life is not easy.

I never used to eat breakfast because I wasn't hungry, but I've been eating breakfast because it regulates your blood sugars and your energy levels. A good breakfast should have some protein, carbs and fibre. It will give you energy and keep you full.

You sound like you're not planning your day properly and that would annoy me if you were my partner. A partnership is sharing responsibilities and if you weren't doing things that you could do to make the load more fair then I wouldn't be giving 3 strikes and then you're out. You're a grown up, you should be able to plan your day and take on responsibilities.

I'm 20 years into this journey and I'm tired of it. DH uses it to wriggle out of normal human behaviour yet expects high praise for his achievements, like a cat bringing you a half stunned mouse.
Last winter he tried to cure the cold with diy plastic and screwed half the windows closed for over a year. This spring he made two new casements, half fitted them and we've slept with an open window till yesterday.
You have an end in sight, you can put more effort in yourself and never ever buy a project again or leave.
As my DH s skills have improved there's nothing he won't now tackle except child care, regular cleaning or cooking a meal.

Sorry you sound lazy. Me and my dh did something very similar 3 years ago and that was with kids and never would I have let him do it all. If you make an agreement to do it together that's exactly what you do put your back into it and get it done wether you like it or not. Nobody likes being told what to do rightly or wrongly but part of being in a good relationship means keep your mouth shut and do it sometimes. But no way would I be doing as little as you seem to.

DH has a much better work ethic than me, we are in different universes on this buuuut your attitude would annoy even me. We would just get on with at the same time and just get it over and done with. if one of us slacks off it means the other one has to pick up for them and thats not fair.

I don’t think cleaning on top of the kitchen cabinets is that much of an ask, yeah it’s grubby but he’s clearly given you an easy job. I hate doing any kind of physical labour but I don’t think cleaning the cabinets has ever reduced me to tears. Just pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself and crack on.

No-one needs a 1 and a half hour lunch break, the last renovation took 5year and here you have an energetic partner to get your home how you want it quickly and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just get on with it.

This has to be a reverse.

Do you work full time in the week and trying to renovate at weekends?

If so, that’s tough. However, what’s the renovation? Painting, cleaning and prepping (e.g. for carpets). If so, it’s only a few weekends of hard work and then you’ll be settled.

A 10 o’clock start isn’t that early. Have breakfast before you start or have some food with you to snack on. Then break for lunch and a sit down 1-2pm. Then another 3 hours until 5pm. Two people can get a lot done in 6 hours. Put music on. Have a laugh. Break it up into manageable chunks and don’t get overwhelmed.

I’m with your DP on doing a thorough job. If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. Cleaning and painting are easy if you get into it. But if you see it as a ‘chore’ it makes it feel like hard work.

Do you have kids? If not, do you hope to? Be aware, they have you awake at 6am when they’re little. No 11am starts then!

I think it's important to have a good work ethic and get things done. I'd rather get there early, work through lunch etc and finish early knowing I've accomplished something. Work hard, play hard. I appreciate you're not me but I couldn't be doing with your CBA nature OP. You want to cut corners and do the bear minimum - this usually comes back to bite you if things aren't done properly, whether you see the point or not. Do it properly or not at all. Surely the sooner you crack on with this the sooner it will be finished and you can enjoy your lovely renovated property. That should be incentive enough.

You're insufferable. I'd be "passive aggressive" if I took a project on with someone and they started late, took extended lunches, did half the work, bust into tears when I asked them to clean some kitchen cabinets and then expected me to be "kind and supportive" of their "effort".

Can you organise yourself better? Go there having had food, arrive earlier and put in the effort? Also if youre more organised, you could take him food etc.

It honestly sounds like youre slacking off to me too. You arrive latest, take 1.5 hours lunch break.

If I was your DP Id be rethinking the relationship unless you gave a condition like CFS.

This

We have always done our own painting/decorating. I am rubbish at wallpaper so DH does that, but otherwise can do any painting. Always have Planet Rock on the radio to keep us going.

What are you usually like with things like every day chores, organisation, persevering with tasks etc OP?

You should sell this property and buy one that is ready to move into. You clearly get no pleasure out of the work of renovation and it is driving a huge wedge between you. Was it his idea?

I used wonder why people would put houses that were semi-renovated on the market, but now I understand.

Cleaning the top of kitchen cupboards is not the dirtiest job around though? What did you actually want to do? Apart from nothing?

I can see why he's cross if you planned to do these renovations together.
Did you get him some lunch when you got yours?

I have sleep disorders and various health conditions. We are renovating and DH is supportive that I can only do what I can do. He even went out and bought folding stools so I can take frequent breaks in whichever room we are working on. Your DH does not sound very supportive. I have had various health professionals recommend that I should not work but I do. DH is understanding that I work hard to earn us money and that coupled with health conditions means that I don't have the energy to keep going as much as him. I agree with previous posters that you need to talk to DH but your post has got me wondering how supportive he would be if anything happened to your health or you gave birth etc.

Yeah, it's a few sprays and wipes to get rid of dust, not the dirtiest job.

is this just a weekend thing? How hard are y working Monday- Friday?
u do sound depressed? That can zap your energy. What age are u?

Can I check op- are you working during the week then doing the Reno on the weekends? Do you live with dp? If you live together who does the work at home (vacuuming, cooking , grocery shopping, changing beds)

Or how understanding and extra work the op would give if something happened to him it can work both ways

It's not nice to feel like your partner is disappointed in you, but you also need to accept some responsibility for yourself. Have breakfast. Bring a sandwich with you. Bring a sandwich for your partner! Get a cheap kettle, some mugs and instant coffee there to make yourself a drink when there. Play music or an audio book while you're working to distract you. Take some satisfaction from a job well done. Kindly, you do sound like you are wallowing rather than trying to see it from his perspective. You say he gave you the worst job (cleaning tops cupboards) but to me that sounds like he gave you something simple because he knows you are struggling. Give your head a wobble.

I think I’d be annoyed if I was your partner. Both agreed to a Reno project, you get there an our after him. Fine, but then you haven’t eaten breakfast so sit in bed for an hour and a half, so by this time your partners done 2+hrs more work than you…. On something you BOTH agreed to do.

have breakfast? Don’t sit in bed for an hour and a half in the middle of the day???????

Yeah why not also be an adult unless you have childcare or a disability. Or you were forced to do this. Why not help and work alongside him. I've done construction/reno with a lazy partner who watches whilst I worked and put in less than half the effort. And this was the person who was so keen on getting projects started. It's disheartening and annoying to be the one putting in all the effort.