DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

You worked for 3 hours and 30 minutes, took an hour and a half for lunch and can’t understand why dp is annoyed with you?

That said, renovations test the strongest relationships so I’m guessing he was keen and you less so but you’re now in it for the ride as an unwilling participant. I’ll hold my hand up and say I wouldn’t do it but I do work 9-5pm 5 days a week with 30 minutes for lunch. I did a post grad on top for 2 years but now that’s done I do enjoy my lazy time.

No, it wasn't mean.

Are you just renovating a flat?

You made it sound like you're renovating a 20 bedroom castle.

So are you sorting out children in the morning or doing another job or are you just sorting yourself out and not getting there until 11?

It is unreasonable to turn up at 11 not having had breakfast and not taking a packed lunch to eat but buggering off for an hour and a half at 2:30.

How long have you two been together and do you have any children?

Christ you sound like a sulky teenager. Get on with it. You can relax once it’s all done.

OP, I’m not hungry first thing in the morning either. But I know that if I’m going to work all day, I’ll pack a breakfast sandwich, take a flask of coffee, make a simple lunch and throw in some simple snacks and water. All or most of that could be prepared the night before. It would simply your life.

I agree he’s being kind of harsh. Still, you arrive late, leave for quite a long lunch, whine about the work, and skive off early. You both agreed to do this and you’re not doing your share. I agree with other posters that you should take some ownership. Discuss the night before what needs to be done and who will do it. If you hate sanding, but don’t mind painting, tell him. Negotiate. He is NOT your boss, he’s your partner.

Of course, it’s going to be hard and you’re going to get on each other’s nerves. That’s just being in a relationship.

This may sound silly, but could you listen to music or podcasts to improve the atmosphere and make time go faster? It might help.

I have to say op that I hate DIY, I hate it. But bloody hell you do sound like a lazy so and so. You would drive me mad I’m afraid and i Am a long way from being “a machine”. I am also a slovenly cleaner and even I clean the top of my kitchen cupboards occasionally

Going to bed in the middle of the day while he’s working? Frankly that’s just rude.

I think the best way to think about it “the sooner I crack on, the sooner it’ll be over”.

Why did you take on another renovation if the first one made you so miserable? You sound exceptionally lazy and slovenly TBH. What he’s proposing doing is totally normal - filling the gaps to prevent mice is completely sensible.

Whose house is it?

How many kitchen cupboards can there be to take so long to clean?

I’m with your DH on this. We are just coming to an end of a 2 yr renovation, if my DH had turned up an hour after me and too a 2 hr lunch break we would probably be divorced by now. It’s so unfair to let one person carry the load

So you are not actually rennovating a property, just decorating and having carpets fitted

and all you have to do is a bit of cleaning.

I thought you were up on the roof renewing it. and putting in a new central heating system between you, along with doing an attic conversion...

To be honest I think the only way to fix this is to try a bit harder. You are making yourself a bit of a victim but things will get done faster, you will have a better relationship and probably higher self esteem if you pull your socks up instead. If you really hate it you will need to get a second job to pay someone else to do the work. I would be so unimpressed if my partner cried because they had to do some cleaning

I get where you are coming from. Some people genuinely love doing this kind of stuff or don’t but have more energy/focus and can get through renovation much easier than others. For others it can be really hard and feels utterly soul destroying. Your DP sounds like he just wants to get it done. You likely bring with you the feelings from your past experience that sounds like it was tough.
I’d suggest trying to make things a little more fun. For example have a nice breakfast at home or a coffee out before you start. Have an agreed plan on what needs to be done so you can chart progress which can feel positive. Take lunch with you, flasks of tea/cofffee/l beer, doughnuts or whatever you fancy. Listen to music or podcasts while working. Plan a meal or a film or something nice at the end of the day. Not quite the same thing, but I look forward to some jobs in the house because I listen to a series while doing them. Anyway, take care x

10am seems like quite a late start to me, but I enjoy DIY.

"I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable"

So my main takeaway from that, Is your DP just like this on the project or is this how he behaves all the time?

If its just the project. i guess the following is relevant.
How long do you envisage the project to take. A month.. I might suck it up? Six months.. is your DP actually being realistic.. looking at a room thinking that won't take long, but in real terms.. all the work is in the prep especially painting. so it does take a long time.
ARe you financially invested in this project?
Will the finished project be worth it, will you see a finanacial benefit at the end.
I guess I'm asking what's your motivation for this work.

If you decide you've got to keep doing it. I'd suggest the following.

1. Have you got a hit list for each area.. A decent plan for the whole project broken down into managable chunks. could you pick the jobs that suit you. 2) Do you have decent equipment? Rollers for painting, in different sizes. A decent Sander, drilll, electric screwdriver. You can order if from Amazon for next day.
2. I've been You Tubing certain projects to get an idea of the easiest way to do things and equipment is everything. It's really helped me see how to get to the end of it. for example, I'd have used a long handled brush and a mop to help me on the top of kitchen cupboards so you don't have to strain to reach things. or put your arm into the high narrow dirty slot to get to the back of the cupboard. I can see why that was awful.
3. Podcasts. Audio books..Music help take the boredom out of it and are a good distractioin. Might drown out the Nagging too!! 5) Reward yourselves with a takeaway at the end of the day.
4. Work out your own schedule. Take breaks, keep hydrated and bring plenty of pre prepared snacks and sandwiches to keep you going. Why are you not eating. Its hard manual work.
5. are you fit enough? Reaching up high to paint can be repetitive and exhausting, but if you are finding it really bad and a strain, it could be a sign that you are losing fitness and when this is over should focus on a stretching programme.
6. bring a foldable camp chair. A kettle and coffee etc for breaks so you don't have to sit in bed. 9)Overall, OP, you sound exhausted and his nagging is not exactly motivating you. Are you stressed? getting enough sleep? Have you had your 5 year check, including bloods to see if you've got any underlying conditions that need treating. Or are you depressed? Maybe you should see your GP and see if there's anything causing this (thyroid?) and if there's any help available. Best of luck

This is a little harsher perhaps than I’d have worded it but oh my goodness, this. You’d be getting on my last nerve too I think op, sorry!!

Your real problem is you have started on a reno project together. He loves it and you hate it.

Would you rather work on a Saturday and pay someone to do your share? (I know I would!) could you do that?

This is a lovely, well thought out response.

So you want him to do it all and you want to do the girlie bits is the way the op comes across? Maybe of you both did ot the whole thing would take less time?

I’d be fed up of you too. What are you doing that you’re not staring until 11am and haven’t even had breakfast, lying in bed I’d bet? And then you take an hour and a half for lunch and sit in bed as well.

Just get up and get the work done. It isn’t all his to do.

It’s ChatGPT. That poster has just copied and pasted AI slop.

Why are you arriving at 11 without having had breakfast? Do you work unsociable hours or have other responsibilities in the morning?

I think if I felt constantly criticised, my other half might end up under the carpet! Is it more the not being able to get it ‘right’ that’s more demoralising than the work itself? I don’t mind these jobs if I’ve some good podcasts or music to listen to, or a congenial companion. If it were hard work in silence with a grumpy critical partner, I might be off. A conversation about attitudes to the job at hand sounds indicated.

You got up at 11am from the bedroom, in the flat you are renovating? Is that correct?

I find it incredibly frustrating when other people won't just get on with the job at hand and think a few hours work is enough for the day.
If my dp was following the schedule you are and we were supposed to be renovating our house, I'd think he was bone idle. I'd also tell him that.