DP always disappointed in me

[basw]

He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not.

We are rennovating a property to move into and he gets to work on it at 10am. I get there at 11am. At 2.30pm i'm starving because i haven't had any breakfast.

I know DP expects me to be there sooner and leave later. So at 2.30 I say i'm going to go get lunch and he says 'already?' Its so passive aggressive to me as i know he means 'but theres so much work to do you should do more work.'

SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away. I dont want to go back because is so miserable when someone constantly judging how much you do and comparing it to them. It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean.

Then i go at 4pm and start again but im in a bad mood even if it's not totally obvious to me. I want to do a job thats not too strenuous but DP immediatly asks me to do the dirtiest and most miersable job up a ladder. So i start doing it, and DP gives me advice on how i can do it better and I just burst into tears and tell him how I feel and lose my rag on him.

I just feel the whole job is miserable just because of the way he thinks. If he were just kind and supportive of what i did i would come back with a better energy and enthusiasm after lunch but i feel I have to get to work sooner than i am ready to or i will feel the judgement. Whatever i do feels like is not enough, could be done better and for longer.

How do i fix this from over and over again?

Ah op definitely talk to him, it’s not ok x

He’s not very pleasant in his tone but if this is a project you took on together he’s probably annoyed he’s doing the lion’s share of the work while you turn up late and then have to stop because you’ve not bothered having breakfast (why haven’t you if you’re there later anyway?)

I hate DIY too but I wouldn’t take on a renovation project. On the face of it seems a bit childish to agree to take it on then throw a strop when you’re asked to get up a ladder or some painting.

thank you for being kind, i just left and am feeling rubbish. I am grateful for how hard he works and what he can achieve but the expectation of me actually kills my work ethic rather than spurring me on to do more. It makes me feel like i am an employee at a job i hate with a disapproving boss

Better planning will help you. Just focus on your needs.. get up earlier have your breakfast and take sandwiches / flask/ soup with you.. I get HANGRY and my husband too is a Duracell bunny with regards to work and Excercise.. he doesn’t eat at work at all during a 10 hour day.. so let him do him and you do you. Tell him youre unhappy up the ladder, and refuel when you need to..

Post in twice

I am sure it is more complicated than this but you could:

start at 10am like him
eat breakfast before you go
don't have an hour and half lunch break.

But mostly have a proper discussion about how you are going to to the renovations, what you are both able to contribute workwise etc. Then he knows what you are able to contribute and can discuss this once rather than you feel his judgement each day. Sounds awful.

How many days a week are you both working on it? Are you working in a job all week and renovating all weekend?
And how many weeks/ months in and how many to go?
11am is quite late and a hour and half lunch is quite long and maybe he thinks it is worth throwing everything at it to get it done. But it depends how long the project is as to whether it's sustainable.
I guess it may be costing you money the longer it takes though so I can see why he'd want it done quickly. How late do you work after coming back at 4.
Im not sure if he's being mean to you or not. Obviously if he's having a go at you it's not OK but you seem to have different ideas on how to progress it

This seems solvable to me:

Turning up an hour after him is fine. You’re not clocking in at work. But have breakfast first, and take some lunch or snacks with you.

Have rest breaks when you need them but do not go back to bed in the middle of the day.

Pick your own tasks and refuse to do the horrible ones that he’s deliberately assigning you.

If he criticises you, tell him to STFU.

You both need to manage expectations before you progress with the project.

Go though the list of jobs for the day and agree who will do what so there are no surprises or feelings of anyone pulling rank in the moment.

I'd be inclined to agree a start time before which you've both had breakfast.

Make a packed lunch so you can eliminate the "Already?" vibe, as you won't actually need to leave to eat.

Clearly state that you may want to leave earlier than him and that he's not to have a pop at you about it. But equally, if this is a joint project that you both agreed to undertake, it's good form to acknowledge that he's staying later. If you leave early, make sure you've tidied up 'your bit' and don't leave the person staying late to wrap everything up at the end of the day.

How long are you planning to renovate?

Why haven’t you had breakfast when you don’t start until 11am?

Why are you taking an hour and a half off for lunch?

Is this why people hire contractors to help though?

literally doing everything yourself sound cheap, unnecessarily tight and stressful. That’s why people pay for such services.

if you’re going to cheap out and do all the work yourselves, getting irritated with each other is bound to happen

I think that you need to talk like sensible adults away from the project. At the moment you are probably both resenting each other. He resents that he is doing so much more. You resent his attitude.

Neither of you are wrong but both of you need to agree a schedule, what tasks each is taking on, what tasks you need other people to take on, reasonable hours that you will spend on it, reasonable breaks that you will both take.

Reading your update, OP, I wonder whether you have done much DIY or refurb / reno before? It's it often very boring, monotonous, dirty and tedious -just like a job one might hate. You tend to get through it with gritted teeth and a few tears as a baseline expectation, however 'peak work-ethic' we felt in the starting blocks. Clearly, it's more pleasant with the odd pep-talk along the way as opposed to PA side-eyes, but you really need to be prepared to treat aspects of it like a job you hate. Until it comes together and is done.

Is this a reverse?

Why do you get there so late and why aren’t you eating before you go if you know you need to have energy to work?

I feel like a lot of these problems could be solved with better planning.

Most people who are doing the work themselves are doing so as that's the only way they can afford it. It's not because they are too tight to pay someone. It's because it's the only way they can get the house type they want.

And why are you sitting in bed to eat it? None of this sounds remotely practical for a renovation project.

Tbf it's a bit of a piss take to not turn up until 11am, then go for a 90 minute lunch break 3 hours later. I'd be irritated too.

You sound like a difficult mix - he sounds incredibly driven with very high expectations and you sound a bit helpless and wet.

Why wouldn't you just have breakfast before you get there? Why not agree what work needs doing between you and divide up the tasks? Have a plan for the day? He's treating you like a child and you're reacting like one. Take some control!

Pull your finger out and get to work. This is for both of you. You sound lazy to me. Getting there late, wanting to clock off early and getting into bed to eat your lunch. Eat breakfast, bring a packed lunch, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in.

It's so exhausting and miserable to paint and clean
He has the energy and work ethic of a machine. I do not
SO i go get lunch and sit in bed and feel like crap while he works away
I want to do a job thats not too strenuous

That is just laziness.

Whose idea was this?

Do you still want to live with him? (Not clear if this will be your main property or not.)

Do you even like each other?

And why are you crying?

It does feel like you are slacking if this is supposed to be a joint venture.

It certainly sounds lazy. If I had to guess I would say the renovation project was absolutely not OPs idea

Is there room for a compromise here? Eg you either have breakfast before you go there or you take a sandwich to eat at lunchtime and in return he maybe knocks off a bit earlier

Why haven’t you had breakfast by 11? Why do you take so long for lunch. I’m with your DP here, 11 is half way through the day and not eating first is childlike, you get through all the work quicker and easier if you saw it as team effort.

What are you doing before 11? If you've been up working at a paid job or looking after kids then fine but you don't say that. If you are just a slow starter and you don't even eat before you arrive I can see why he's pissed off and couldn't you take lunch with you? Food flasks and leftovers microwaved in the morning would save you time and money.