In a sexless marriage but can’t leave for cultural reasons

[Unhappymarriage]

I am a 40 year old female, married for 16 years and I’m really unhappy. Last time my husband even touched me was in 2018, I know the exact day as we did a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my son and that was the last time. He has no desire to touch me or be affectionate apart from when we were trying for a baby. I have 2 children with him. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do. I met up with a group of mum friends today and conversation went to the coil and contraception as one mum was debating to change to the coil. I feel so sad when I realise women my age and much older have an active sex life whereas my life in that area ended in my early 30’s without me wanting it to! I feel really angry and upset but I have not one person to talk to.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons. I feel so sad all the time. It’s not just the sex it’s the holding someone abd cuddling I miss. I don’t want to reach to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do? It’s been 8 years since I have been intimate with him. To be quite honest I feel so hurt by him and rejected that if he was to change right now I wouldn’t want him.

For context there is nothing wrong physically with me I am slim and attractive I know being intimate with someone is not all down to how you look but I feel like the most ugliest person in the world and my self esteem has been rocked but outwardly I am not as hideous as I feel inside.

My family weren't sympathetic when I left either but it helped me realise that they care more about 'what people say' than about me, so that gave me the motivation to re-think my relationship with them too. I think the important thing for OP is to be sure she is on a strong legal and financial footing. And, therapy to deal with the cultural aspects.

All ‘cultures’ would exploit women if we let them. In some cultural contexts women have managed to get more rights. We need to use our rights, keep our rights, and fight for more for all women.

You don’t need to feel like some maintaining some special culture is more important than your happiness.

Your husband is not fulfilling his role...yes, that includes sex! Im pretty sure that is stated in Islamic law (if that applies to you). So you can leave him

This sounds very difficult. I would normally say fins a lover until you can leave bit that could be quite risky in your situation.

Would he understand if you went and got your needs met elsewhere?

Well if you won't end the marriage for whatever reason you're just going to have to put up with things as they are!

Vent away but there's no other solution is there?

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do?

I'd have long ago asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me, asked him if he was gay, and I'd have told him that if he wasn't willing to meet my needs, I'd need to end the marriage (and I'm fairly sure that, in most cultures, for better or worse sexual intimacy is 'expected' in a marriage, so he'd be the one at fault). Really though, cultural reasons wouldn't be a concern to me unless I was afraid he would physically injure me, or take the children.

OP i sympathise! But it's hard for us to advise when we don't know your culture and background really. If you could say what your faith is or where you live or some ideas of cultural expectations we can give answers tailored to you but without this vital info we can't say much.

If you feel that you cannot leave your husband because of what may happen to you or your dc then you need to approach women’s aid (in England, other organisations exist) for help to safely leave. You deserve to be happy, any culture that demands women stay in loveless marriages is not one to be respected. I know several people who claimed to be stuck for cultural reasons but then did leave, they wish they had earlier! There’s help for you

I sympathise. If you're not in touch with any already, I think you need to search online for groups for women who have left their faith (even if you have no intention of doing this). You need friends and the experience & support of women who have decided to disobey their culture or religion.

I don't think you can change him, so you have to find a way to live within your marriage in a happier way, or take the steps to leave.

Is this an arranged marriage? Is it possible your DH is gay?

My heart goes out to you. Once you have children you are really trapped but it’s not forever, they will grow up and you will find space to breathe again. I get it.

Some people will just never understand and there is no point even trying to get through to them. If I told my mother I was in a ‘sexless marriage, she would laugh and think I had won the lottery, people are just so different. Even family, it’s amazing how one persons needs are so different from another’s.

You just have to do what you can do to be as true to yourself as you can. Well done for posting here and airing it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have read every single one and I really appreciate your advice. I’m feeling better now I think I just got triggered by meeting up with the ladies this afternoon and feeling upset as they all seem to be in normal fulfilling relationships whereas I feel there’s something wrong with me.

No I’m not Muslim. I rather not write the religion or culture as I’m worried I might give away too many details and someone will recognise me!

I know at some point I need to leave but right now I feel broken and can’t handle such a big change to my life and the kids lives. My children like him and he is a reasonably good father, not great but he is good enough. My children do adore him and he plays with them.

I have sometimes felt he might be gay. It feels he’s not interested in women at all as when we’re out he doesn’t look. I always thought he was a good guy but overtime I’m thinking it might be his sexuality.

I do feel life is passing me by but I feel so unable to take the step. I love our home and it’s taken me years to get it how I want and the kids love their rooms and our neighbourhood. I don’t feel I can’t just uproot their whole lives. My eldest has 2 friends in her friendship group that have divorced parents and Ive known the mums since the children were in reception class. The mums do not seem any happier if I’m being honest. They seem more stressed and I know things will be difficult at the start but will be better later as time goes by but I can’t take that step until I have at least some savings. I do work but all my money goes into the house and kids and I’ve not saved much. I think after Christmas is over I will start being really frugal and start putting money aside.

I don’t think I want an affair, of course I want to feel desired but I feel very vulnerable right now so don’t think this is the right time.

Yep, that was this country not that long ago 😔 just despicable. How quickly we forget.

You'll get there. If an affair or an escape route is meant to find you it will. You will work this out. In the meantime if you are otherwise safe and happy, take care of yourself if you know what I mean, buy some smut or something. You have a beautiful house and kids and an ok husband apart from sex. Start a hobby and make some friends. Work on your self esteem. Just slowly.. We can't get everything in life and there are plenty of men and women who are married and single and not having any sex. Focus on the good things until you can see a way clear.

It’s good to hear you feel better from getting it off your chest. You never know how many others feel the same or have done until you voice it!

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Unhappymarriage · Yesterday 22:28
Thank you everyone for your replies. I have read every single one and I really appreciate your advice. I’m feeling better now I think I just got triggered by meeting up with the ladies this afternoon and feeling upset as they all seem to be in normal fulfilling relationships whereas I feel there’s something wrong with me.
No I’m not Muslim. I rather not write the religion or culture as I’m worried I might give away too many details and someone will recognise me!
..............................

I get that - and Muslims divorce anyway, plenty do.

It is far more complicated in the strict Ultra-Orthodox Jewish community - even more so when the couple has children. Yet it does happen.

It's good that you feel better for expressing it here but you really cannot go on as you are. There must be a way.

In the meantime, speak seriously to your husband, find out if he has a problem and assure him you are not going to judge him. He has to see that you are unhappy; I know you say you have spoken before but it seems he does not realise quite how unhappy your marital situation is making you. That needs to be stressed.

Good luck and please keep posting.

No, we're not unaware. It's simply that the OP, sensibly, is being circumspect as regards what details to give us. We know she isn't Muslim but we can't say anything of much note when we don't know what the consequences of leaving might be. Therefore when we say don't let cultural mores keep her there we're simply being supportive and trying to encourage her to consider finding a way to leave, if indeed she'd be happier out than in. We can't even say that when we don't know what her life with her husband is like in other ways. While I'm quoting you I'm not addressing you personally, but as usual on MN there are self righteous posters who enjoy slashing others as much as engaging with the OP in a 'Look at me. I'm switched on. I'd never be so unthinking as to say these things to the OP' sort of way.

The trouble is, it isn't intimacy if it's done to 'meet needs'.

Why do so many assume gay? The OP hasn't said he looks at men. We're given the impression by society and the world in general that men think about sex all the time and that as women we're unattractive if they're not turned on by us. Yet this is not the case. There are people of both sexes who are just not terribly bothered about sex and problems only arise when there's a mismatch between partners. Also, the OP has said sexless, but posters are taking that to mean loveless. Sometimes the two go together but not always. It seems to me that there's a lack of communication between OP and husband and rectifying this would be the place to start.

OP, since you're staying for now, would you consider finding a therapist to talk to, who you could share all of this with. Protect your self esteem and your sense of sanity while you live in a situation that is only just good enough for you not to want to upend your life.

I get what you're saying – duty sex isn't intimate, for example. But I don't think that's necessarily true. Something can be prioritised because you want to satisfy each other's sexual needs within the relationship, and also be intimate.

We can't help you with this limited info, OP. We can feel sorry for you but there is just no way we can advise because we aren't sure what the "culture" is and the parameters of (un)acceptable behaviour within that culture.

I get you but you're replying directly to the wrong person and preaching to the choir(!) - my first reply to the OP suggested she leave and a subsequent reply of mine to another poster said I do empathise with culture but I'd still find a way to leave.

But some posters are entirely ignoring the risks in their advice - maybe not you.