In a sexless marriage but can’t leave for cultural reasons

[Unhappymarriage]

I am a 40 year old female, married for 16 years and I’m really unhappy. Last time my husband even touched me was in 2018, I know the exact day as we did a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my son and that was the last time. He has no desire to touch me or be affectionate apart from when we were trying for a baby. I have 2 children with him. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do. I met up with a group of mum friends today and conversation went to the coil and contraception as one mum was debating to change to the coil. I feel so sad when I realise women my age and much older have an active sex life whereas my life in that area ended in my early 30’s without me wanting it to! I feel really angry and upset but I have not one person to talk to.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons. I feel so sad all the time. It’s not just the sex it’s the holding someone abd cuddling I miss. I don’t want to reach to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do? It’s been 8 years since I have been intimate with him. To be quite honest I feel so hurt by him and rejected that if he was to change right now I wouldn’t want him.

For context there is nothing wrong physically with me I am slim and attractive I know being intimate with someone is not all down to how you look but I feel like the most ugliest person in the world and my self esteem has been rocked but outwardly I am not as hideous as I feel inside.

I think we all need to know what the culture is in order to help you, as I simply don’t know anyone of any culture who “couldn’t” leave even if they might face some sort of stigma from judgemental members of their culture. Who cares what judgemental people who don’t really care about you think?

It’s ok to leave him. You can break away, many have before and you can do. He’s also probably gay.

Have tried talking to him. Find out why he won't touch you

@Unhappymarriage is it just that there is no sexual relationship between you and your DH or are there other things going on in the marriage that make you unhappy? I'm not trying to minimise the lack of sexual intimacy or its importance to you, but you said "Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do." and I wonder what exactly was the "it" you've tried to talk to him about and how/when you approached that? And is there a reason that you know/suspect for his lack of sexual desire for you? Is he gay? And what "things" was he promising to change in what way?

Huge admiration for you. I’m glad you’ve found happiness

if you are South Asian many women in 2026 have chosen themselves without creating ww3. My dad is Punjabi Sikh and his sister is a divorcee who remarried a black guy. She is ridiculously happy and not been shunned by the family. Sometimes this idea you will be ostracised is more a tactic of control. And doesn’t actually materialise is my observation. I do think it depends family to family though. You deserve a physically intimate marriage/relationship. Please don’t put up with a husband who has withdrawn from this aspect of marriage.

What would the response be if your family was aware that your husband was nt having sex with you?

Do you live in the UK? If so British culture is that you don't need to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Other communities can't move to the UK and then expect younger generations to reject all British culture, it's hypocritical.

And I say this as the daughter of an immigrant who has just upset half of my family by filing for divorce. Tough luck Dad, you moved to the UK for a reason and I'm going to take advantage of those freedoms. (My Dad has now come around to the idea by the way.)

Could you please share your culture? There might be others from the same culture on this thread that could provide some more useful advice if they understand your beliefs etc

You have a right to aim for a happy fulfilled life. If your picture of happy fulfilledness means you are sexually satisfied as well as housed and employed, then darn right you should aim to get yourself everything you want. And forget any guilt.

None of these things, which of course are known to happen, are cultural imperatives in the UK.
Honour killings in the UK are dwarfed by the number of partner/ spousal murders for identical reasons happening in the dominant culture, after all.

OP stated that leaving her marriage would be a cause for lifelong regrets. Surely she’d not be coy about a ‘real and present’ risk of lethal violence.

It's not impossible. Difficult yes, but not impossible. Is it Islam? Are you afraid for your safety or is it just the ostracism of the community you fear?

Which culture is this?

How old are the children? Maybe study so you can work and leave at a later date when culture not an issue? No family or friends elsewhere? Lots of info provided by OP!

Honour based murder and acid attacks are rare in the UK now. Honour based abuse is not rare which is why women should be supported to leave unhappy marriages.

Honour based violence is more of a risk in other countries but without confirmation of location we can't advise.

I don't know any culture where a sexless marriage is acceptable for someone of your age. I would bite the bullet and leave him, you only have one life- wasting it is not acceptable whatever your ethnicity.

Quite honestly @HenriettaHippopotamus , most of MN will cheer you to the rafters if you kick over the traces to do what you want to find the life that you want. I don't know or care about your ethnic origin or religious background. But if you don't like the life you are living, in the UK you can change it, for your better version.

If you really want to stay get yourself a vibrator. But you will still be in an unhappy marriage. We are in 2026 you really shouldn’t stay for the sake of the children.

Leave the oppressive culture then.

I'm not sure which culture you are referring to, but I also stayed in part for cultural reasons. Also a sexless, cold miserable marriage. I eventually left, the only regret I have is that I didn't leave sooner. Yes, there will be some bridges you might burn, but a culture and people that keep you trapped and unhappy is culture and people you need to re-negotiate your relationship with. Not easy, I've done it, and it can be done. I am happier now than I have ever been. Be brave.

Get 'caught' masturbating or leaving a sex toy out to force or provoke a conversation??

I would make an arrangement with him. Let him have a secret gay life in return for you finding someone who can fulfil you.

Not sure what to say, in 2026 in England our culture is that we can leave and divorce. Women’s needs and rights are respected and we are not secondary to a man or a culture. If that’s the case for you then you need to seek help to get out of it.

I don't know... My family were VERY disappointed that I'm leaving my husband and bringing shame on the family due to him causing repeat financial crises. And told me we need to stay together and get counselling etc. Even though I'm drowning and will never have stability or security while married to him.

I really don't think they'd be any more sympathetic about a sexless marriage...

OP, do you have one trusted friend or family member you can talk to?

Are there cultural specific internet forums for women where you could seek cultural specific support and advice?

Can you anonymously contact forums of women who have been in your situation?

Half my extended family are of a culture where divorce / separation are a scandal. A cousin did leave and break away- and was cut off. Except that a couple of aunties kept in touch and supported secretly. She built a career for herself and got a job here in the UK.

Bit by bit, over 10 years, most of her family have reconciled to a large extent.