In a sexless marriage but can’t leave for cultural reasons

[Unhappymarriage]

I am a 40 year old female, married for 16 years and I’m really unhappy. Last time my husband even touched me was in 2018, I know the exact day as we did a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my son and that was the last time. He has no desire to touch me or be affectionate apart from when we were trying for a baby. I have 2 children with him. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do. I met up with a group of mum friends today and conversation went to the coil and contraception as one mum was debating to change to the coil. I feel so sad when I realise women my age and much older have an active sex life whereas my life in that area ended in my early 30’s without me wanting it to! I feel really angry and upset but I have not one person to talk to.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons. I feel so sad all the time. It’s not just the sex it’s the holding someone abd cuddling I miss. I don’t want to reach to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do? It’s been 8 years since I have been intimate with him. To be quite honest I feel so hurt by him and rejected that if he was to change right now I wouldn’t want him.

For context there is nothing wrong physically with me I am slim and attractive I know being intimate with someone is not all down to how you look but I feel like the most ugliest person in the world and my self esteem has been rocked but outwardly I am not as hideous as I feel inside.

You can leave him. It may be difficult and provoke disapproval, but you can leave him. You deserve better.

I really can’t. It will be impossibly and I will spend the rest of my life regretting it. I know it’s very easy for you to say but you are not in the culture.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons.

Yes you can.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do?

I'd leave and stop trying to convince myself I can't, for cultural reasons.

Well - you can, you just dont want to.

So you've got a few options

1. put up with it, possibly with counselling?
2. have an affair
3. leave him

If leaving him is culturally impossible, then affair or put up with it. How would the culture accept a lover?

Of course you can leave. You say you are very unhappy, do it for your children.

If 'you're not in the culture' is going to be your answer to everyone here who tells you to leave, wouldn't you be better off finding a forum used by people of the culture?

Otherwise, I don't know what you want from this thread.

It's not like we're going to tell you, you need to force him to have sex 🤷‍♂️

Are you willing to explore "cultural reasons"?

Do you live in a country where you legally cannot leave him? Or if you left him, you'd loose your children? Is it your own morality preventing you from leaving him? Your religion's rules? Would you be ostracised from wider family/aquantances/community? Would your entire immediate family never speak to you again? Would your mum or sister maintain a relationship with you? How many strong relationships do you have with people outside of this culture? Do you have friends from outside the community who could support you practically and emotionally?

Maybe DH is banking on your being scared to leave him for precisely this reason, and therefore makes no effort with you.
If your culture keeps women shackled to their husbands, whether through religious dogma or social dictates (and assuming you are in the UK) it’s still your choice if you stay in it in order to avoid difficulties regrets, isn’t it?
Easy to say, indeed. But are there (figurative) concrete blocks that make life outside literally impossible for you, and all your sisters?

Do you think he might be gay and it's culturally not acceptable for him to be this way? Just wondering really why he refuses all physical contact with u...?!

Do you think your husband might be gay?

Another one to question his sexuality in the context of cultural taboos.

Tell us about the cultural reasons
There could easily be people of the same culture who can advise you

Not sure what you want from the thread. You’ve asked what people would do and obviously they’re going to say leave but you say that’s not possible. Only other option is stay and put up with it which you also said you wouldn’t be happy with so I’m unclear what you want from this.

Also unsure how the OP knew the PP wasn't of the same culture?

You can leave, you could set a better example for your children so they don’t have to grow up with these cultural restrictions.

If you don’t want to them find a way to accept it.

Surely it would be more fun to guess ?

Leave him. It's not a nice culture if women are expected to remain unhappy all their lives.

If he decided to beat you every day would you still say you cant leave?

Are we allowed to guess which culture?

I have a few in mind. But I'm saying nowt.

You're going to spend the rest of your life regretting staying. Which is worse?

Sounds like you might have to be creative here. Is the culture one that casts spells on people?

This could be one of those really annoying threads where the OP is either sitting there refreshing the page and watching everyone guess the culture, or they're just not going to return at all.

Another question of whether he’s gay.

If so perhaps there is another option. If he cannot be openly gay in your culture, and you cannot divorce… then a lavender marriage might be your option. Both free to have discreet affairs.

Why dont you talk to womens aid for help with leaving if you feel culturally it will be difficult and disapproved in your wider circle.

you can leave op if you choose to. Please know that. Womens aid will be able to advise what support will be available to you given your situation. Im imagining a muslim household?