In a sexless marriage but can’t leave for cultural reasons

[Unhappymarriage]

I am a 40 year old female, married for 16 years and I’m really unhappy. Last time my husband even touched me was in 2018, I know the exact day as we did a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my son and that was the last time. He has no desire to touch me or be affectionate apart from when we were trying for a baby. I have 2 children with him. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do. I met up with a group of mum friends today and conversation went to the coil and contraception as one mum was debating to change to the coil. I feel so sad when I realise women my age and much older have an active sex life whereas my life in that area ended in my early 30’s without me wanting it to! I feel really angry and upset but I have not one person to talk to.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons. I feel so sad all the time. It’s not just the sex it’s the holding someone abd cuddling I miss. I don’t want to reach to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do? It’s been 8 years since I have been intimate with him. To be quite honest I feel so hurt by him and rejected that if he was to change right now I wouldn’t want him.

For context there is nothing wrong physically with me I am slim and attractive I know being intimate with someone is not all down to how you look but I feel like the most ugliest person in the world and my self esteem has been rocked but outwardly I am not as hideous as I feel inside.

Is there a possibility that he’s gay? Sounds likely if he was only ever intimate for reproduction.

Leave him, stop using cultural reasons as an excuse.

Why dont you talk to womens aid for help with leaving

Is the OP in the UK ?

Also wondering if he’s gay or there’s another reason for this. Is he completely asexual or is he actually getting gratification elsewhere and using you as a smokescreen? Maybe you could both agree to keep up a veneer of marriage but also seek outside relations. I’m not sure how that would be for your DC though 😞 (miserable and a horrific example I’m guessing) but equally they can’t think things are all rosy now? Maybe having things more in the open with your husband and you could give way to a happier “marriage” as friends? That’s the way I’d go if I truly truly couldn’t leave, try and agree it’s friends only so that at least the truth was agreed between us. I couldn’t bear the pretence.

I'm also questioning his sexuality.
He may be hoping for freedom as well.
How safe is a discreet affair?

I assumed so as majority are on mumsnet?

Can you expand on cultural reasons? There is a stigma about divorce in many cultures but women do still leave unhappy marriages. It sounds as if you don’t want to deal with the stigma. I suggest therapy to explore why he doesn’t want to have sex.

Yeah and if she's not, then it's pretty pointless not mentioning it.

And you know what they say about assume.

I prefer to know myself. Because you can invest a fucktonne of energy into a thread only to have the OP drip feed it.

Wouldn't be the first time ....

Let's see when the OP replies.

He is either having an affair with another woman or man. Does your culture expect you to be alright with this? Do you work or are you dependent on him, or is he dependent on you?

Whatever your answers do you want your DC to be tied like this to an outdated culture/way of life? If you don't want this for your DC then it is you who should show the way.

I'm from the Pakistani culture and divorced my husband as it was a loveless marriage.It was hard to do at first as I felt a lot of shame and thought what would my community think.Now looking back it was the best decision I ever undertook.

Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.

You can reject the cultural stuff if you want to. There's no such thing as a culture where nobody ever gets divorced. Muslims get divorced, orthodox Jews get divorced. If other family members would ostracise you, are they really worth worrying about? Is is worth ruining your life for people who care so little about your happiness?

He won't change. Things will only change if you change them. There's no fairy godmother coming. There's just you, and the choices you make.

Presumably having an affair would be thought of in the same vein as leaving? Culturally, is there no shame on your husband for not providing a loving home for his wife? What do your/his family think of this type of marriage?

Do you think he might be gay?

I was in an Islamic marriage but have a few friends living in the Gulf and it’s as clear as day their husbands are closeted gays. Similar that they refused to be intimate after kids and one found gay porn on her husbands phone.

Don’t let culture define you. Break the cycle and leave. You wouldn’t want your kids to be governed by the same rules would you? Go and live your life.

There's no culture where someone should be compelled to stay in a sexless and loveless marriage forever.

You need to be strong and realize that the only sensible thing to do is to leave him. You can't pressure him into sex he doesn't want.

You need to tell him how you feel. Ask him how he does as well. Maybe there is some medical reasons or something and he could somehow regain his libido? Would you wait and see if he saw a doctor? Would he see one for this? If not ultimately you'll need to say you can't carry on.

My darling, you can leave him. Why can't you?

The more people who divorce in these cultures, its better to show others its possible/nothing to be ashamed of. I dont get why people would want others to be unhappy in a situation “because its not the done thing”

He might be gay. Does your culture frown on gay people?

Whatever the issue, you should discuss going your separate ways with him. What a waste of your life being with a man who doesn't love you just because your culture suggests you can't leave him.

Tbh if it was me, I'd find a job elsewhere, take the kids with me as I move with my job. I'd initially visit him regularly and then pieter it out to a stop.
Noone will notice, go to family events together, but go live your life.

Muslim?

Aren't people allowed to decline sex nowadays? Threatening to leave him, and turning his world upside down, is surely some kind of coercion, no?

That sounds like an awful position to be in, OP.

Realistically he isn’t going to change so you have three options. Put up with it, have an affair or leave. If leaving would be difficult, presumably having an affair would be even more so. Therefore it’s put up with it or leave.

Assuming you live in the UK or similar developed country, a marriage is not a prison sentence. You absolutely can legally leave your marriage & divorce your husband. Nobody is suggesting that this would be straightforward, but life is not a dress rehearsal so you have to decide if you are prepared to accept the consequences of ending your marriage. Good luck.

I don’t want to minimise your feelings, but people in every culture get divorced.

You have 1 life, you're not getting younger, you've already wasted 8 years celebate. It's not going to change. You have to leave

Are people not understanding that in some cultures families will murder wives who try to leave their husbands? Has no one heard of honour killings? They’re not rare. Neither is disfiguring, also the men will keep the children. Would you be so keen to leave if the result would be having your face melted off with acid, and never seeing your children again?