In a sexless marriage but can’t leave for cultural reasons

[Unhappymarriage]

I am a 40 year old female, married for 16 years and I’m really unhappy. Last time my husband even touched me was in 2018, I know the exact day as we did a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my son and that was the last time. He has no desire to touch me or be affectionate apart from when we were trying for a baby. I have 2 children with him. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about it and he says things will change but they never do. I met up with a group of mum friends today and conversation went to the coil and contraception as one mum was debating to change to the coil. I feel so sad when I realise women my age and much older have an active sex life whereas my life in that area ended in my early 30’s without me wanting it to! I feel really angry and upset but I have not one person to talk to.

I can’t leave my husband due to cultural reasons. I feel so sad all the time. It’s not just the sex it’s the holding someone abd cuddling I miss. I don’t want to reach to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

So my question to you is if you were me what would you do? It’s been 8 years since I have been intimate with him. To be quite honest I feel so hurt by him and rejected that if he was to change right now I wouldn’t want him.

For context there is nothing wrong physically with me I am slim and attractive I know being intimate with someone is not all down to how you look but I feel like the most ugliest person in the world and my self esteem has been rocked but outwardly I am not as hideous as I feel inside.

He might be gay. Seriously. Until (relatively) recently in this country, gay men were pressured by society to prove they were 'normal' by marrying women. You mentioned culture. I would have a very honest conversation with your partner and explain that you refuse to spend the rest of your life without sex or affection.

Ask him directly what he thinks the issue is and whether he is open to you both exploring an open marriage. If not, you need to consider if you're willing to put other people's preferences for how to live (culture) ahead of your own preferences.

Yeah it's hard, isn't it? I would choose to run away rather than stay chained to an uncaring man for the rest of my life.

What would happen if you left him op? I know your culture clearly means a lot to you and I respect that I really do but we only get one life and you deserve to live yours to the fullest, don’t let centuries old expectations rule your life.

You've been made to believe you cannot leave due to cultural reasons.

Reality is, yes you can, you might not feel like you can, but people will support you, maybe not your current people, but real people will help you.

So a culture that oppresses women.

This is not so much about intimacy it’s about not being able to get divorced.

I knew a girl who ran away from home because she was going to be forced to have an arranged marriage. She gave up her entire family, sometimes it’s worth it I think. There were arranged marriages in my culture till the Communists sorted it out, one of the few good things they did. My Chinese Grandfather had a wife and a concubine, it wasn’t outlawed till 1950. Just because something is cultural doesn’t mean it’s good. I suggest you contact Southall black sisters who have the knowledge and cultural sensitivity to give you advice.

It’s not the Middle Ages anymore.

Do you want to have an affair with someone? Is that what you’re getting to?

What culture is that ? Is he gay then ? Is that why he only did it to have children ?

You feel ugly but say you are thin and attractive?

It sounds like you are wanting people in here to tell you to have an affair.

If you can’t leave him because of your culture, I doubt having an affair is a safe idea.

@Unhappymarriage
A lot of the replies are from well-meaning people who have no understanding of any culture other than their own.
It might help if you said what country you are in, what particular culture , & you might be directed to an organisation that might help.

I do think that medication is used in some cultures where the status of women is tied up to their marital status.

So you could ask your doctor to drug you into a state where your sex drive dies.

Or you could consider what aspects of your culture you consider acceptable and whether parts of it are long overdue change. Women who have the bravery to give up social status in a brutally misogynist culture to live authentically.

What is this culture?

Do you believe you can't leave because you have no way of supporting yourself? Think you'll be booted out of your community? Think God will never forgive you?

If you are frightened to leave, which "cultural reasons" alludes to you need to get support from women's aid. So you can leave (assuming you are in the uk or similar western country) it's whether you want to?

I wouldn't stay in a dead marriage wasting my life, it'd be better to leave and find happiness.

I don't know any culture where there isn't divorce - even with Ultra Orthodox Jews a woman can have a 'get'. It can be complicated but it happens.

Please look into it, speak to someone who is an expert in these matters within your culture.

I feel for you, you cannot go on like this. I think your husband is hiding a problem and I'm sorry for him to but he must be honest with you.

From some of comments on this thread, it's clear that some people are totally unaware of the constraints in some cultures.
An example is the nightmare experiences of women who were forced to give up their babies at birth because they weren't married.
Horrendous to hear.

Yes, they are. People are also allowed to leave sexless marriages.
I must have missed the threatening bit….

I wondered that.

It is time for some honesty from him.

Yawn

Your man is gay and is using you as a beard. He likely plans to leave you when the kids get older, thats what some gay men enjoy doing to the women kind enough to love them.

That should make you angry. He wont thank you for staying. Your family wont thank you.

Be brave. Accept the consequences. Leave.

There are many women who have been in this situation and have taken that step. Unless youre literally going to be beaten or die, just do it.

Sorry to be harsh. X

Think yourself lucky! No sex thank goodness.

Presumably they wouldn't know. The op would have to be discreet and careful to avoid pregnancy.

However she has to meet someone she desires.

Don't let cultural reasons keep you there but consider other aspects of your marriage. Are you close friends? Do you have fun? Remember you might spend the rest of your life alone if you leave. Consider your financial situation too.

I'm thinking you are part of a culture where men arent allowed to be openly gay

I mean the OP was free to mention it if murder was her reason for not leaving 🤷‍♀️

I left in similar circumstances. It was incredibly hard. I never revealed the reason to anyone including my husband - I just said it wasn't working and that I had fallen out of love. There was financial pressure too, caused by his failing business and refusal to work for anyone else, so that's 2 biggies. I hadn't fallen out of love at all - I still loved him and have never been with anyone since. But the lack of interest absolutely destroyed my self worth and in my case yes I think he may have been gay. I'll never know for sure.

It is possible. Culture makes it much much much harder but then it is always hard.

Write down your concrete fears and address them one by one.
Will your parents disown you?
Will he try to kidnap the children?
Are you able to support yourself?

Sending strength.
I'm much happier alone than when with someone who didn't actually want a wife.

I’d assume he’s gay. Address the elephant in the room with him in a calm way and you may be able to agree to an open/lavender marriage without anyone having to leave anyone. I think having a companion you get on well with who’s a decent father and being allowed to have your lovers on the side would be great!