Charged as a plus one?

[plusoneguest]

I’ve been invited as a plus one to support a friend at an event. The whole plan was sharing their room, in the same bed. I don’t think they are being charged for the room as it’s a whole venue hire. She’s just asked me to pay, I thought I was a guest but actually I’m paying to be there. The travel, gift and new outfit are other costs I’m incurring. The amount is equivalent to staying in a hotel for two nights but Im pretty sure she’s pocketing the money which feels like shes making money from me. Is she a cf? Should I try to pay the host directly? Should I write it off as I’ll be fed and have a shared bed. It’s not the cost really it’s the feeling I’m being taken from.

I had this exact same scenario with a family wedding. Big multiple room cottage/house hired by bride and groom - who incidentally are quite wealthy - and no mention of the £300 we owed them until about a month before the event (!)

I mean we paid it obviously, but I did think WTAF at the time. It would have been nice to know from the start we would be paying, as there was much cheaper accommodation available nearby which we would have been happy with.

This is what we did for our wedding. Reserved a load of rooms, guests had first come first serve dibs on them and responsibility for paying them (to the venue) at the reserved, discounted rate.

I think if you don't trust someone enough not to take your money - you don't know them well enough to share a bed with them.

If you're attending the event as a plus one to support her (so she doesn't feel like Billy no mates at the event) then the costs should be on her anyway surely? I can't imagine inviting someone along in these circumstances and saying, 'Oh by the way you'll have to pay half and share a bed.' Err no thanks!

That in itself is bad enough, but if you think she's actually trying to pull a fast one and make money out of you, that's a deal breaker. I'd pull out if the event and break off the friendship for that. Don't let this CF get away with it if she's taking the piss.

OP, friendships like this are poison for your soul and mental health.

Listen to your gut.
She is a user and you deserve better.

Decent people do not behave like this.

Send a message that unfortunately this has become a huge unexpected expense so it is better she invites someone else.

And then back away.
She may say ok no need to pay, but best to say no thanks, bring someone else, I'm no longer interested in going.

Screwing over someone doing you a favour is just the worst.

My friend had a friend that she was generous to, had given her weekends in her holiday home in a lovely spot etc. a couple of times a year, would have her for dinner as she's a great cook.

Her friend suggested they go to a concert together and she paid her for her for the ticket as you would expect to.
After the concert as they were leaving they ran into a colleague who stopped and raved about the concert and said how fabulous to get the tickets for free from their employer.

She turned a deep red and my friend was stunned and she turned and stared at her.
They left the venue and my friend said goodnight, they had planned to go for drinks and a bite.
She tried to say it was a misunderstanding but my friend never said a word, grabbed a taxi and went home.

She was so hurt, shocked and repulsed.
The full cost popped up on her phone refunded with an apology.
She never acknowledged it.
The friendship was over as far as she was concerned.
She did reach out and apologise profusely again, (but with no explanation really as to why she would do such a thing, she has a good job,)which my friend accepted but said that she just couldn't look at her the same way, so best they leave it.

Some people are just takers.
My friend is so lovely, but when she saw that behaviour in her friend she simply couldn't overlook it or want to be around it.

All she saw was someone who would screw a friend for £80.

Don't go, cool off the friendship? She's not nice.

There often seem to be such ‘friends’ mentioned on MN. ‘Friend’ as in someone I happen to know and don’t particularly like…

Often it would seem that ‘acquaintance’ would be more accurate.

Just say that this is not the terms on which you agreed to help her. You can’t afford it so are no longer able to support.

I wouldn't have been taking a gift either. CF!

Even if she is having to pay for the room YANBU. If you're sharing a room to support her at an event and she would've had to pay the same price for the room regardless of whether you joined, then she ought to pay 100% of the cost of the room.

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. There’s been a few things like this but unproven, now too many to ignore. She’s not short of a bob or two.

then don't go

We are going to a wedding in castle in a couple of weeks time, total venue hire, guest rooms are charged but we are paying bride and groom the cost, not direct to venue, might be the case. I would go and try to enjoy it.

I've been 'scammed 'by a mate
.leaves a bitter taste op.

Pull out and back away. No drama necessary unless she instigates some!

Bet when friend finds out she has a gift friend wont bother to get one herself, or suggest they share gift cost but never get around to reimbursement.
OP, if I was in your friends position I would not be charging you anything and would be checking you were ok for transport etc. You are doing her a favour.

At my wedding we had whole venue hire but still charged family/friwnds for the rooms (they could stay elsewhere if they wanted) we decided not to ask our parents to pay as they’d contributed to the wedding.

The family may well be sharing the accommodation costs between them, per room.

But not sure why she needs your ‘support’.

Anyway, you aren’t comfortable with the whole thing and don’t want to go, so don’t.

If you can’t have an honest conversation with her about this then why are you even going? If you actually wanted to go then fine but just going to “support” her seems a bit mad.

Whilst I do agree that hotel venues sell the exclusive use of their hotel and then offset the rooms off the entire venue hire cost with the occupants paying their own rooms, I can imagine why the OP suspects her “friend” of not paying for the room.

When our DS and DD got married, we reserved and paid for hotel rooms for our parents and our siblings and two cousins due to the distance they had travelled and their outlay attending. So it may well be that the OP suspects the “friend” got her room paid for with good reason.

It's honest though. Being kind is what got OP into this mess in the first place.

OP, just tell your friend you can't afford it, and if you had known how expensive it was going to be then you wouldn't have agreed to go. Btw plus ones don't buy a separate gift as supposedly you are close enough to the invited one to have a joint gift (paid by the invited one). Your "friend" is being a CF and it's time to ditch them.

If she could be transparent about the costs then it might be fair enough. But she needs to explain how and what she's paying.

So if it's a proportion of the venue hire is it that you'll pay half her share, or the total cost is now divided by one extra person? Are you getting equal benefit of the venue and do you wish to be there other than as her chaperone? And if it's a room then how much is that? You're only getting half a room so she can't make you pay for all of it.

I'd feel weird about this as she didn't explain it properly and it doesn't sound like it'll be good value for you! And you thought it was a free favour.

"I'm really sorry, something urgent has come up and I will be unable to attend now"

I've had a cf invite me to something, offer me the extra room in the Airbnb at no cost as i was not going due to being unable to afford it
"give me a little towards petrol"
That little towards petrol turned out to be more than the entire cost of petrol, plus some extra. (Not a little, like double, close to £100)
I pulled out.

I no longer accept their invites

Well, it was never a ‘free favour’ if the OP needed to pay for an outfit and travel — and she also mentions a present, though it never even occurred to me to give a present if I were someone’s +1 at a wedding! I mean, usually I’d never even met the people getting married…?

You've made the right decision to pull out.

Attending someone else’s family event as a plus one is not something I would want to do but would if a friend really wanted my “support”. But I wouldn’t be paying for anything other than my food and drinks, things I would normally pay for on a night out. Just cancel. You don’t trust her and it seems the friendship is pretty much over anyway