Charged as a plus one?

[plusoneguest]

I’ve been invited as a plus one to support a friend at an event. The whole plan was sharing their room, in the same bed. I don’t think they are being charged for the room as it’s a whole venue hire. She’s just asked me to pay, I thought I was a guest but actually I’m paying to be there. The travel, gift and new outfit are other costs I’m incurring. The amount is equivalent to staying in a hotel for two nights but Im pretty sure she’s pocketing the money which feels like shes making money from me. Is she a cf? Should I try to pay the host directly? Should I write it off as I’ll be fed and have a shared bed. It’s not the cost really it’s the feeling I’m being taken from.

Thank you all, it was helpful writing this down. I’m thinking of all the reasons she’s given me to think like this and realise I no longer trust her and that the friendship has gone. I’m going to pull out and distance myself.

That’s really unkind.

But so true

What is “unkind” is a friend thieving from the OP

Hi friend I'm not prepared to pay that amount for half a bed so won't be coming any more. Have a good time.

She has a history of ripping you off which is why you don't trust her. You are only attending this wedding to support her and, even if she did have to pay for the room, she shouldn't be passing half the bill onto you.

But there's no evidence that she is. The norm in this situation is that guests are charged for their accommodation. I find it odd that OP wouldn't expect to pay for her share of her accommodation and thinks that her friend or her friends family were going to sub her. Who expects to go and stay in a hotel for free?

If she would have to pay for the room regardless or whether or not you come, and you are sharing her room, then she shouldn’t be charging you in my opinion. Presumably having you there makes her feel better otherwise she wouldn’t bring a plus one? She should be treating you to the room surely.

Not just the room - but the bed.

Oh yes!! This is crazy!!

I'll add "often with a superiority complex" to that definition.

We hosted a wedding and the venue included in the hire charge, 20 bedrooms to use on the night of the wedding reception which we could freely allocate for guests. There was no additional charge and it was up to us whether we used them or not.
Had we wanted, I guess, we could have charged our guests something towards staying over, but we didn’t.
On the other hand, during our search for venues, there were some, where there was the optional hire of bedrooms at an extra charge, so it really depends on the venue hired and whether rooms are included or not and if so whether the host might be charging guests to recoup some of the hire costs.

So maybe just ask your friend outright if she is having to pay for the room and if so how much.
Otherwise, if you’re happy not to go, just say you didn’t realise you’d have to pay and can’t afford it so won’t be joining her after all. You might be able to return the dress if you bought it recently or keep it for another event.

Exactly the same here. Ive never been to.any 'do' where rooms were paid for by the hosts. Maybe I just dont know rich enough people!

But attending as a plus one generally doesn’t mean you are there to enjoy the hotel facilities? You are attending the event as a favour to your friend. I’d expect to pay my travel and maybe breakfast if extra but not the room that my friend would have to book and pay for anyway.

But the OP is going as a plus one as a favour to her friend who is a family member and is presumably obliged to go and was thus going anyway - hence is even asking her to share the bed! A bit different, surely?

You do get cases where a couple hire one of these venues and the venue act like it's very normal for the couple to charge the guests or even to charge more money from the guests for the rooms. That could well be the case here.

Just pull out. Say that the costs were higher than anticipated. Maybe she will then get the hint over her asking you to pay being the issue.

I wouldn't expect to pay if invited to support the friend, especially when you'd be sharing a bed. In a room that she'd be paying for anyway. I would be wondering if I was invited to support for financial reasons.

What a shame she's dishonest and leaves you feeling a bit used. Good for you saying no.

So why do you think that is? People pleasing, low self worth , fear of being abandoned? There’s a reason you can’t find your anger. Good to find out why.

It's totally normal to have to pay for the rooms even when the party has exclusive use. She has probably budgeted on the basis of you paying your half.

But you clearly can't stand her so pull out and end the friendship.

"Sorry Jane, something's come up and I won't be able to come now" not a great long essay.

It's weird bringing a plus one who you aren't in a relationship with and who doesn't know the bride and groom anyway. Most people would just go on their own in that situation.

Just to be very clear, I don’t mind paying for a room. I do mind if the room is free and my friend is keeping my money for herself. Either way, my conclusion is that because of her past behaviour I suspect this and the trust and therefore friendship has gone.

This is a perfect response.

‘Sorry, but I can’t afford that. I think it’s best you ask someone else to go with you. Hope you enjoy the day.’

The fact that a friendship has reached a point where one person is starting a thread about even the possibility of their friend thieving from them…. Well it’s dead in the water

Why are you assuming theres nothing to pay?

Every wedding Ive ever been to with full venue hire the rooms have to be paid for. That is literally how it works couple get a discount by guaranteeing full paid room hire and thus offsetting a portion of the wedding cost onto friends and family.

Its why I have never stayed at the venue, I can't afford it as its usually much more expensive than surrounding hotels.