MIL only capable of inane babble

[anotheranotheramother]

In the universe of PIL problems, this one probably isn’t that bad. But now that we’ve moved closer to PIL, it’s becoming more and more apparent, and infuriating.

MIL is a dream if you’re talking to her to her for 5 minutes. She is friendly, polite, and enthusiastic. The problem is that this seems to be her only gear - I’ve never had a conversation of any substance with her (or overheard her having one with anyone else). Everything is “lovely” and “wonderful” and “great” and “wow isn’t this fantastic” and “aren’t you lucky” and “you’re doing such a fab job” - none of which sounds bad on the face of it. But when you’ve been trying to make conversation with her over several hours, trust me, it gets old VERY quickly. Say anything mildly negative and she’ll either ignore or try to put a mind-numbingly optimistic spin on it.

It’s some weird mix of toxic positivity, English politeness, and lobotomy patient.

I’m not expecting in-depth discourse on Nietzsche but it’s not even small talk; it’s just constant inane babble. She also feels the need to fill every silence and just keeps going and going and going.

infuriatingly she also interrupts me constantly and tries to finish my sentences, and she is always - always - completely wrong in predicting what I am about to say. You’d think someone so “polite” would at least be a good listener, but no.

It’s also incredibly frustrating when we need to discuss something even moderately important and she feels the need to interrupt and weigh in, but it’s rarely with anything that actually contributes to the conversation.

DH just thinks his mummy is lovely and trying hard and being friendly, which I guess she is, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place. But I’m starting to get visibly annoyed and snappy with her because of the sheer amount of drivel I’ve been exposed to lately.

Before she stopped drinking due to health issues she’d at least come out with an opinion every now and then once she’d had a drink or two, but it seems like this was the only thing that could magic it out of her. In a way I feel quite bad for her as she’s clearly been made to feel that this is the only acceptable way to communicate.

I feel like I’ve tried everything - asking her questions about herself and her life, talking about her interests, talking about myself and my interests to feel out any mutual ground, bringing up current or local events, but nothing seems to have much mileage in it.

Anyone else!?

It makes me so sad that so many women feel the the only way to be accepted is to be an inauthentic nonentity.

@TheBlueKoala are you my SIL? You've described my MIL perfectly.

Knows all about the world of work based on a couple of years circa 1965.

No, I don’t think so. People can dislike certain things socially, or find them challenging, without being judgy or superior. I didn’t feel that the OP’s post had a judgy tone at all - judgy is being unnecessarily negative, I think, whereas the OP’s feelings sound quite proportionate to the situation in which she finds herself. Unless nobody is ever allowed to comment negatively on another’s behaviours, especially in a context like this where the OP is genuinely struggling with them yet also says nice things about her MiL, then inevitability such things will sometimes be shared in forums like this.

It makes me so happy to see people support the OP. It's absurd to moan endlessly about sexism and then expect women to 'be kind'.

I agree this disproportionately affects women. I notice that a number women in my mother’s family and particularly of her generation communicate in this way. Not in such an extreme way as the MiL here, but a number of the women I have in mind have neurodivergence at play as well, and I think they were either taught to minimise themselves and their own ideas and opinions, or internalised this from wider social expectations so just mask to the extent of sublimating their own personalities. I was also raised like this to a degree, though when I was growing up it wasn’t quite so strongly reinforced by social expectations of girls’ behaviour, though definitely was to some degree.

Different strokes for different folks, but personally I find “lobotomy patient” has judgy undertones.

Maybe it was, but very understandably so. I know exactly the kind of person the OP describes and I think that the people who are trying to shame her are being disingenuous.

She may have a neurodivergence or something which makes it harder for her to converse. And don’t forget that their times may have been simpler than ours and she may not be very worldly at all.

I have absolutely nothing in common with H’s family but I recognise they are good people who deserve my respect.
I put on an Oscar winning performance when I’m with them and I’m sure they think we get on great.
Over the years I’ve grown to love them but Jeez I have to make a huge effort not to bang my head against the nearest wall.
I also have to decompress after I’ve seen them and amazingly I’m the one who has to push H to see them - he loves them dearly but I think he may be on some sort of spectrum in terms of visiting/chatting/phoning etc
Just try a bit harder OP.

I thought that too. A bit mean spirited to get ‘visibly annoyed’ because she doesn’t meet your standards. Not everyone in the world is as charming and interesting as you Op

This. Honestly, what a load of nonsense. She may very well find you a bit too intense, feels she can't actually live up to your expectations, any number of reasons why she doesn't engage in the sort of conversation YOU think she should have with you. You come across as thinking you are better than her when in actual fact you sound unkind. Being snappy with her is downright rude, and you really don't have anything to complain about. She's your MIL, not your best friend. Just be pleasant to her and accept her as she is.

Sounds like she’s trying. Could be worse.

Oh do grow up. All this rubbish about "mental load", I despair. Spending a bit of time with someone you have little in common with, and being pleasant to them, does not make anyone a doormat. I won't tolerate people with your attitude to life, it's pure self-centered, no way of dressing it up.

I only like chit chat with people that I’m not especially close with. I don’t like answering questions about myself. I tend not to share much with people who ask a lot of questions. Sometimes it is just easier to keep things simple.

Bloody hell. She sounds exactly like my ex MIL. She just babbled on endlessly, and you weren't allowed to be negative about ANYTHING. Always interrupting and (incorrectly) finishing my sentences. I don't think you're being mean,I know how infuriating it can be.

As they say, you can’t pick family. They are who they are.

Enjoy your life of being boring and ignored by your daughter in law, if you have one; or anyone else interesting, if you don't.

I never once had a substantive conversation with my mother. Early 20s I realised she couldn’t actually converse : it’s hard to describe but once you’ve tuned in to it it’s infuriating.

She would just relay a series of talking points (who she’d been on a walk with, her achievements that week at work, brief run down on family members) but would not brook any follow up questions about her news. So it was like listening to a news broadcast.

Then she would ask me “what’s news” and gather more talking points to relay to other family members (eg work trip to Poland) but never ask follow up questions (eg what was Warsaw like, did you like the food).

I’ve never met anyone else like it but your MIL sounds similar in the way that she talks in sound bites and superficiality. Negativity or complaining was not tolerated. She sounds nicer than my mother was though… I thought we might have more real conversations while she was dying (fully with it mentally and only in her 60s) but sadly not.

get your dh to step up and find some activities to do with or alongside your mil.

My MIL is like this. Exactly like this. I would call this toxic positivity, a Pollyanna, etc. There is likely a past trauma that has triggered some of this--there was in my MIL's case. My husband also thought for a long time that she was quite literally perfect. I reached a point where my entire body would tense up when I heard the word "lovely." I couldn't have any level of normal conversation with her and she more than once told my husband I was "negative" when I mentioned quite normal things that had happened in my week, etc. I felt constantly judged and I just couldn't sit there and talk about rainbows and sunshine for even five more minutes. She lived far away so I eventually had my husband handle the visits on his own. I drew the line when she told my husband I was "negative."

However.... as my husband aged his tolerance for this grew very thin. He stopped visiting or calling her, and eventually voiced his own frustration with her inability to be real. She also babbles on about random things, and my husband started cutting her off and ending the conversation, or even hanging up the phone abruptly. My husband really couldn't take it when it reached the point where he felt that some struggles he shared were minimized by her need to put a positive spin on everything.

In your case, it is not fair for you to have to be stuck alone with her for long periods of time on the weekends, even if it is doing a puzzle or activity. She isn't 90, and she isn't your mother. If your husband wants to visit with his parents, then it's best for all four of you to do something together.

Poor woman's probably terrified of being called a mean, bad, bitchy, controlling MIL.
If she says something nasty about your sister/clothes/says you should be working more or less hours, and you really shouldn't breastfeed, and you're stupid to vote for that political party, she probably worried you'll be on here telling everyone you're going NC.
Try to ask her about books/films she likes, or say gently and honestly that you want to get to know her as a woman, and want to have deeper talks. If she can't, at least you've tried.

@MyLittleNest out of sheer interest, would you be willing to say what happened to your MiL to cause to cut off from being 'real' and adopt this toxic positivity? It must have been a considerable event. She must also have felt very alone with it and as if she couldn't ever have taken comfort from another human. Had she tried, and been terribly rejected?

There used to be an old saying, "laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone". Sounds like she grew up with that, and whatever happened was so terrible that all sadness had to be shut away forever.

Agree.

I doubt op will be back. The thread has been changed to 30 days only so she likely requested to had it deleted and mn agreed to 30 days only.

Did she / does she work? Could you try talking about that? What about playing a board game - something like Scrabble or Rummikub? If she is having to think it might stop the babble for a bit. To me, it sounds as if she is lacking in confidence, and is trying too hard. Is PIL a trifle overbearing? May be undiagnosed ADHD...a million thoughts going everywhere, a bit like Tigger on Speed.
Ignore people saying you are mean, they aren't having to deal with your MIL. I get how infuriating it is, especially when there ae things going on in your own life. Perhaps when your issues become a bit more positive, you won't find her quite so irritating.

MIL is a bit annoying it’s not the end of the world. Surely OP doesn’t have to tag along every Saturday?