MIL only capable of inane babble

[anotheranotheramother]

In the universe of PIL problems, this one probably isn’t that bad. But now that we’ve moved closer to PIL, it’s becoming more and more apparent, and infuriating.

MIL is a dream if you’re talking to her to her for 5 minutes. She is friendly, polite, and enthusiastic. The problem is that this seems to be her only gear - I’ve never had a conversation of any substance with her (or overheard her having one with anyone else). Everything is “lovely” and “wonderful” and “great” and “wow isn’t this fantastic” and “aren’t you lucky” and “you’re doing such a fab job” - none of which sounds bad on the face of it. But when you’ve been trying to make conversation with her over several hours, trust me, it gets old VERY quickly. Say anything mildly negative and she’ll either ignore or try to put a mind-numbingly optimistic spin on it.

It’s some weird mix of toxic positivity, English politeness, and lobotomy patient.

I’m not expecting in-depth discourse on Nietzsche but it’s not even small talk; it’s just constant inane babble. She also feels the need to fill every silence and just keeps going and going and going.

infuriatingly she also interrupts me constantly and tries to finish my sentences, and she is always - always - completely wrong in predicting what I am about to say. You’d think someone so “polite” would at least be a good listener, but no.

It’s also incredibly frustrating when we need to discuss something even moderately important and she feels the need to interrupt and weigh in, but it’s rarely with anything that actually contributes to the conversation.

DH just thinks his mummy is lovely and trying hard and being friendly, which I guess she is, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place. But I’m starting to get visibly annoyed and snappy with her because of the sheer amount of drivel I’ve been exposed to lately.

Before she stopped drinking due to health issues she’d at least come out with an opinion every now and then once she’d had a drink or two, but it seems like this was the only thing that could magic it out of her. In a way I feel quite bad for her as she’s clearly been made to feel that this is the only acceptable way to communicate.

I feel like I’ve tried everything - asking her questions about herself and her life, talking about her interests, talking about myself and my interests to feel out any mutual ground, bringing up current or local events, but nothing seems to have much mileage in it.

Anyone else!?

Honestly I would just visit less often. Let DH go on his own… it’s pretty rude of him and FIL to just constantly talk about work rather than a conversation that includes everyone. (My own DB and DF do this but there are more people around to dilute it and they do get pulled up on it sometimes).

Make plans with friends / have some urgent DIY/ decluttering / deadline whatever you have to do.

Don’t do it every time or it will seem pointed, but maybe every 2 or 3 times get DH to visit on his own.

I know what you mean. Some people are just mind-numbingly shallow. It's like there's nothing there – no personality at all. They have no real opinions and no real individuality. You almost want to prod them to be sure they really are a solid, living, breathing human.

I know someone who is married to a woman like that. He often says how lonely it can be. He even said to me once that he has tried to provoke her into a row, and that he wished she'd yell at him or throw something at him – anything to make a breakthrough.

I absolutely agree. My DM was like this - when my DDad was terminally ill she couldn't even let him talk about dying or his fears. She constantly put a positive spin on everything. It was unbelievably wearing and, in the end, upsetting, for the rest of us.

I have since read about emotionally immature parents and I think you may have the same issue OP.

I used to know someone like this who was very religious. They wouldn't say a bad word against anyone or be at all negative. Polyanna is a good description of her.

My mother is like this OP and is totally obsessed with meal preparation so every day revolves around meals preparing and washing up and then its time for the next one and is constantly offering everyone food.
I can just about tolerate it for a weekend then I'm longing to get home.
I have never once had a meaninful conversation with my mother, ever. I don't think she's ever asked me about my life or work either.

Perhaps she is keeping the relationship polite and superficial because she realises you are hostile and judgmental.

Vacuous seems to be the most appropriate. I have it with my mum. Except when I try and have actual conversations eg health, she immediately deflects and talks about her own. It’s really difficult as I have better conversations with my Dad and he has dementia!

She’s on her own and has a milestone birthday coming up and her expectation will be that I do something “special” for it. Except even taking her out to restaurants is like having an extra child. It’s just all so draining.

Maybe I should do what she did for one of my big birthdays - get her a cake entirely based on my taste that she’d hate.

Seriously though, any tips for “special birthdays”? Anyone?

Not sure if you’ve been torn apart here as haven’t read the full thread, but that does sound deeply annoying and I sympathise. This is a random and very practical potential solution but there is this kit called conversation menus by the School of Life, they are really great at getting opinions and conversation flowing. If you ever have a sit down dinner with PIL you can introduce it as a board game. The idea is you play it throughout dinner, with an entree, main and dessert round. It does feel slightly silly at first that you’re essentially gamifying conversation but I promise that it’s always ended up being well received and lots of fun. You can buy directly from them or in various bookshops too https://shop.theschooloflife.com/products/conversation-menus

Perhaps worth it as an option to crack her shell and find out what she really thinks! I particularly love the “self knowledge” card.

The way you talk about her is absolutely horrible. Do her a favour and excuse yourself from as many visits as you can. She comes from a generation who didn't routinely go to university and would be less likely to have the kind of career that would furnish her with the confidence to articulate her views. She also has the wherewithal to understand that you don't like her very much.

It's understandable that you feel a bit frustrated by the banality of it, but to come on her running her down like that is far worse than anything she's doing.

Your post sounds really quite rude and hurtful about someone who as far as I can see has done nothing wrong.

Branding everything someone else says 'inane babble' only reflects poorly on your ability to interact socially. If you're so fascinating in comparison you should have the ability to guide the conversation in a way that lets her express herself. While you also feel entertained. And can share your endless wit and wisdom.

Anyone who has so little interest in others that they consider all the things they say 'inane babble', I can only imagine isn't as intelligent or interesting as they think they are.

I know someone like this too. I just don’t expect any more from them now, and life’s that little bit easier.

Except that her MIL doesn't know she's on here,does she? All these holier than thou posts are really silly. That said, I agree that OP shouldn't try to change her MIL. She should just visit less often and leave her husband to it. I would be really annoyed by the way the husband ignores his mother and just talks to his father, but then says his mother is 'lovely' and doesn't understand why the OP finds her uphill work.

What I said about university sounds a bit off but I'm relating it to my DM, MIL and relations. I have worked with plenty of women who have had access to further / higher education.

You see I think most MILs get shot down for being too opinionated, especially when it comes to child rearing. If she said ‘well you could have given breast feeding a better shot’ or ‘those kids don’t have enough vegetables’ you would be up in arms.

Similarly many posts on here slag of in-laws for having different political opinions purely because they are of a different generation. Do you really want to get in to immigration? Chances are she’ll have a different opinion to you and she knows this, so is steering clear of anything remotely controversial because she’s frightened to death of a fall out with a feisty daughter in law.

I’m nowhere near MIL age yet, but all the threads on here have taught me when the time comes to keep my beak well and truly out.

I’ve learnt not to go and visit a new born too early,
Don’t say what it was like in your day and
Don’t Tread on the toes of the maternal MIL

It’s a bloody minefield. I think your MIL is deliberately trying not to rock the boat. I bet she closes the door and says to her DH ‘Sarah was talking about Trump again, Christ almighty i don’t want to get in to all that, and when she sings the praises of that Megan Markle I just stay silent.’

Or….she might just be thick and not have much depth.

Either way as MILs go - she doesn’t seem that bad.

What cake did she get you? I’m agog!

I think part of conversing regularly with in laws - if one has truly good manners, as opposed to superficial 'politeness' - is to work out what somebody is interested in and to engage in that.

I have an 'in law' who is a passionate football supporter of a particular team. I've made a point of following how the team is doing, changes of manager and players, position in the league table. Usually at some point when we meet we discuss the team's progress. Though basically the sort of person who usually only watches football when there's a major championship on, I've actually become quite interested.

It's a lot harder, at least for me, with people who don't seem to have any real interests. I really struggled with my own mother, who is no longer alive. Towards the end of her life she talked a lot more about her childhood and that went quite well.

But I did find it hard to chat about neighbours I'd never met, empty flats in the retirement complex, the lack of parking spaces. (As she didn't drive this didn't affect her in any way.) I could do it in small amounts but it was exhausting, and after say 10 or 15 minutes I'd feel as if I was gasping for air.

I think what I'm saying is that if someone is deeply interested in something eccentric and indvidual, I can engage with it. Perhaps I feel I am learning something.

If something never gets beyond surface chitchat, it does get boring. One might do it in small amounts, out of a feeling of duty to somebody who was really old and isolated - especially if they were a relative who had been very good to you in past or an in law who had really welcomed you into the family, helped with children etc. But I'm really not sure how much one is obligated beyond that.

I also though it was a very long post for someone who hates babble 😂

Mumsnet. Where the #KindnessPolice gather to issue a good kicking.

You need to work on your own patience and expectations. Being snappy with someone who doesn't have good social skills isn't going to make anything better, if anything it will make her more uncomfortable around you and less able to open up.

Fair enough, she sounds like hard work when you want to spend your precious weekend enjoying yourself, but it's up to you to make the best of it and she is your husband's mum.

Get her to have her ears checked, in case she needs hearing aids and like PP have said, in engaging in superficial conversation and constant affirmation of what she thinks you said. Do an activity with her, like cooking a fiddly meal, gardening, or a walk. if you have a time-heavy, but brain light activity that you've always wanted to try, like crochet, now would be a good time. Maybe a book club type thing with her. Drive to a garden centre. There's loads of stuff.

She may well be intimidated by you. Older people have a precarious existence in that their body is closing down, they're getting further on life's journey and they become horribly dependent on others. This can make them keen to please and less strident than they were in their younger years.

...I felt similar about my own mum (but not so strongly) and a thread on mumsnet made me realise that I was being impatient and not seeing things from her side. We now get on better (thanks to mumsnet!)

Well for a chocoholic you’d get chocolate right? Except she’s allergic to it - “stomach issues”. Instead she bought a tall cake with what my husband described as akin to Dream topping over and in it. She’d told them no jam in it though as she doesn’t like cream and jam. It was horrible.

I’d prefer no presents than thoughtless gifts, which is what she buys. Yet she expects me to pander to her on occasion days and bend over backwards for little to no appreciation. I just don’t have the energy to spare for it.

Are you able to bring along a third person, OP?

Like many others on this thread, I’ve experienced this many many times and it can feel mentally exhausting. I think it was the repetition and money making plans (from a highly educated, intelligent person) so I invited someone else along who was quite ‘out there’ in their views. They got on famously and it worked. I reckoned that Mrs Boring Conversation was me!
I now look forward to their visits as a part time conversationalist and like the animated conversations.

Also, if you can find a moment to go outside for a few minutes to get some space. That really does help.

Armchair diagnoses on neurodiversity, solely on the MiL interrupting?

It could be worse. She could have one of the kindness police as a MiL! Imagine that :-)

OP if you're still around, most of us get it. You've had some good advice about doing stuff.

It really sounds as if she only thinks Polyanna positivity is the only acceptable attitude. She must be terribly lonely inside, but there's not much you can do.