MIL only capable of inane babble

[anotheranotheramother]

In the universe of PIL problems, this one probably isn’t that bad. But now that we’ve moved closer to PIL, it’s becoming more and more apparent, and infuriating.

MIL is a dream if you’re talking to her to her for 5 minutes. She is friendly, polite, and enthusiastic. The problem is that this seems to be her only gear - I’ve never had a conversation of any substance with her (or overheard her having one with anyone else). Everything is “lovely” and “wonderful” and “great” and “wow isn’t this fantastic” and “aren’t you lucky” and “you’re doing such a fab job” - none of which sounds bad on the face of it. But when you’ve been trying to make conversation with her over several hours, trust me, it gets old VERY quickly. Say anything mildly negative and she’ll either ignore or try to put a mind-numbingly optimistic spin on it.

It’s some weird mix of toxic positivity, English politeness, and lobotomy patient.

I’m not expecting in-depth discourse on Nietzsche but it’s not even small talk; it’s just constant inane babble. She also feels the need to fill every silence and just keeps going and going and going.

infuriatingly she also interrupts me constantly and tries to finish my sentences, and she is always - always - completely wrong in predicting what I am about to say. You’d think someone so “polite” would at least be a good listener, but no.

It’s also incredibly frustrating when we need to discuss something even moderately important and she feels the need to interrupt and weigh in, but it’s rarely with anything that actually contributes to the conversation.

DH just thinks his mummy is lovely and trying hard and being friendly, which I guess she is, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place. But I’m starting to get visibly annoyed and snappy with her because of the sheer amount of drivel I’ve been exposed to lately.

Before she stopped drinking due to health issues she’d at least come out with an opinion every now and then once she’d had a drink or two, but it seems like this was the only thing that could magic it out of her. In a way I feel quite bad for her as she’s clearly been made to feel that this is the only acceptable way to communicate.

I feel like I’ve tried everything - asking her questions about herself and her life, talking about her interests, talking about myself and my interests to feel out any mutual ground, bringing up current or local events, but nothing seems to have much mileage in it.

Anyone else!?

It's another one where there's a husband problem. And maybe a father in law problem. They get to their Important Manly Conversations about Work - while the Little Ladies gossip and chat.

Does your husband not see how boring this is for you? Does he not care?

I'd argue that while you are probably obliged to drop round for a brief visit every month or so, joining them for 30 minutes - in which everyone talks to everyone - before you head off to the gym, is the way to go.

As you said yourself - this really isn’t up there amongst serious MIL problems. The amount some women on here have to put up with from their MILs - slagging them off to the whole family, constant criticism and digs, never being good enough for their precious boy…yours doesn’t even really register as a problem. And don’t try to get your husband to slag off his own mother. Our course he’s going to think she’s perfect, she’s his mum. If he wants to complain about his mum first and initiates the conversation then fine, you can join in, but you don’t start the complaining about your partner’s mother unless they’re genuinely treating you badly.

Some people are just like this, she’s not your own mother, you don’t need to mourn some kind of relationship you’re missing. A lot of people don’t get on with their MILs, just smile and nod and be grateful she’s not one of the truly awful ones

Wilsonthedog I have a relative who is a bit like this too, will always rather talk about something that hapoened to their same
cast of characters that only they deeply know from events of decades ago. I think it’s ND and an anxiety response to a social situation in that specific case (esp from looking around at the rest of their blood family), but it gets worse when they are not that happy or not having much else that they enjoy going on in the rest of their daily life. None of us are on best form if we’re down.

The right activity get together that other people have mentioned, might be life-changing in that regard for a person who’s quite down and anxious. But in this scenario if they are already driving OP mad, then in that case it should be the DFIL and the DH who are taking the DMIL out to the new activity and soending the time with her. And that way OP gets to chill out of a weekend, instead of feel stressed out forced to be making small talk with DMIL while the men chat in an exclusive way together about their work which is fair enough on OP. I wonder if there’s a learnt situation about how this DMIL is treated by the male relatives though, that can happen too. But it’s not on OP to sort it out.

It’s quite unsettling when you see it. Constant self centred babble never listening to anyone else so they can’t really actually know anyone or form genuine relationships ? So their relationships must all be one dimensional. Wonder if there’s a word for it.

Agree. Don't stay to listen to MIL. Do something else

And that her previous drinking might have been to deal with that.

Well done her on stopping drinking. It might be difficult or painful for her to do anything other than what she is doing. Potentially internally you have no idea just how difficult it might be for her to do what she is doing - you just can't see it.

She's not your person, but just be kind to her. Maybe see if she'd like to help you with anything - some people find 'doing' easier than talking. Or can you do any tasks while you chit chat together?

That would drive me nuts too op. I’m imagining her and getting stressed for you, lol. Life really is too short! She won’t change so I would just limit my time with her. Your DH thinks she’s great so that’s handy. She’s his mum, he can see them, just be busier and don’t go too. Be nice when you see her obvs, it’s just who she is. My MIL was similar and I just couldn’t stand it so I sympathise.

I think I'd have to visit but make up another friend or errand in the area and only stay a short while. There's being kind for a bit and then there's making yourself miserable by doing it for too long.

I’m afraid you come across as thinking you’re intellectually superior to her. Putting it down to suspected ND is just pathetic - it’s her personality, which is different to your personality. And that’s OK, it would be boring if we were all the same! If your DH and FIL have a tendency to ignore you when you all get together it could be that they think of you in the same way as you think of her - boring!

Your post sounds horrible. We are not all great conversationalists … we may have other skills.. Of course you clearly are! I only have very superficial conversations with my grandson’s step mum because she tries to play games and it is very tiresome. But I do have deep conversations with my friends, who I can trust.

I totally sympathise with you OP. I have two people in my life like this, one is a relative and one is a friend’s partner. It’s really hard to cope with and takes so much effort to keep myself listening, polite, and hiding being bored to death and irritated. I don’t think I’m horrible to feel that way it’s a natural response to being consistently dreadfully bored.

I think your issue though is the forced visits, far too regularly, and you’re going along with being parked with the MIL for long stretches while your DH goes off for his quality time with his dad. Well, the visits aren’t forced. YOU are consenting to them and to an extent setting yourself up for this. Do what some other posters have said and either make your own plans while DH goes for his regular visit to his folks, or drop him off, pop in for a coffee then go off and do your own thing and pick him up later if you really need to be part of the visits. Take back your own time!

Yes, neurodivergence.
Those traits seen in a kid at school have us leaping to support them through life.
Those traits seen in older generations see the same people treating them with utter disdain, or labelling them in damaging terms, in this case, like a "lobotomy patient".

Makes me so sad.

If he thinks his mother is so wonderful, then he can do the heavy lifting of conversing with her and stop expecting his wife to do tedious emotional labour.

Arguably any annoying personality trait could be dubbed neurodivergence. If this is the case in there is the insinuation that allowances must be made in all cases and people like op just have to suck it up and have their spare time ruined to “be kind”?

I think you can try and to be kind and understand that some people can't help having these difficult traits. I don't think that having more understanding necessarily makes these traits easier to deal with, you have to be realistic.

I don’t understand why you spend every Saturday with someone you don’t like. Are you physically attached to your husband? Just let him go and see his parents on his own and you find something more intellectually acceptable to do.

It sounds maddening, l struggle with inane chatter and twittering. Just makes me want to put my earphones on. I would stop going for while days and your husband needs to stop leaving you stuck with her

She sounds a lot nicer than you.

No I know someone like this. The toxic positivity is wearing.
The woman I know who is similar to OPs MIL, never wants to talk about anything negative. She told me her adult kids said she lives in a Pollyanna bubble where everything is rainbows. And told me that's how she is.

Can you imagine how wearing it is if someone refuses to talk about any problems or anything at all negative because they want to keep life happy?

Better than having someone who has no conversation and is negative and moans a lot. Or sits scrolling on her phone with the volume full blast.
Could you either find an activity to do with her or put the TV on?

Yea sounds a bit clingy if they can’t do anything separate.

I agree with this.

Is she one of those women who thinks the only option that matters is that of males? Does she agree with everything her dh says regardless of whether it’s actually right or wrong. Plenty of women are like this.
I would find her boring tbh.
Just stop going so much and let your dh spend time with her.

I have nothing in common with my MIL. She's a kind lady but her conversation is very childish really and I struggle to keep any conversation flowing for more than a few minutes.

However, I'm very rarely alone with her. She's my husband's mother not mine. Generally if there's nothing to talk about we put the tv on and watch something. It's probably not particularly to her taste because we don't share any TV shows that we like but it fills a gap.

You need to stop being put in the position where you are alone with someone you don't have any conversation in common with. That is a husband issue. Or you need to put the tv on.

She sounds very anxious when she is around you.

Conversation is not something you can force. It should be natural. With some it will easily fall into a variety of topics. Because you feel at ease with them to do so.
With others the aim is to keep it personable and pleasant. If we don’t feel comfortable talking about slightly heavier topics with them.

She probably dreads to think what might happen if you did venture onto something slightly heavier.