MIL only capable of inane babble

[anotheranotheramother]

In the universe of PIL problems, this one probably isn’t that bad. But now that we’ve moved closer to PIL, it’s becoming more and more apparent, and infuriating.

MIL is a dream if you’re talking to her to her for 5 minutes. She is friendly, polite, and enthusiastic. The problem is that this seems to be her only gear - I’ve never had a conversation of any substance with her (or overheard her having one with anyone else). Everything is “lovely” and “wonderful” and “great” and “wow isn’t this fantastic” and “aren’t you lucky” and “you’re doing such a fab job” - none of which sounds bad on the face of it. But when you’ve been trying to make conversation with her over several hours, trust me, it gets old VERY quickly. Say anything mildly negative and she’ll either ignore or try to put a mind-numbingly optimistic spin on it.

It’s some weird mix of toxic positivity, English politeness, and lobotomy patient.

I’m not expecting in-depth discourse on Nietzsche but it’s not even small talk; it’s just constant inane babble. She also feels the need to fill every silence and just keeps going and going and going.

infuriatingly she also interrupts me constantly and tries to finish my sentences, and she is always - always - completely wrong in predicting what I am about to say. You’d think someone so “polite” would at least be a good listener, but no.

It’s also incredibly frustrating when we need to discuss something even moderately important and she feels the need to interrupt and weigh in, but it’s rarely with anything that actually contributes to the conversation.

DH just thinks his mummy is lovely and trying hard and being friendly, which I guess she is, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place. But I’m starting to get visibly annoyed and snappy with her because of the sheer amount of drivel I’ve been exposed to lately.

Before she stopped drinking due to health issues she’d at least come out with an opinion every now and then once she’d had a drink or two, but it seems like this was the only thing that could magic it out of her. In a way I feel quite bad for her as she’s clearly been made to feel that this is the only acceptable way to communicate.

I feel like I’ve tried everything - asking her questions about herself and her life, talking about her interests, talking about myself and my interests to feel out any mutual ground, bringing up current or local events, but nothing seems to have much mileage in it.

Anyone else!?

That was clever, @CedarCreek ! Sounds like something good came out of the situation :-)

You say she’s not old, OP? Maybe she’s just not that into you?

As someone else noted above, maybe she’s doesn’t want to spend big chunks of her Saturday hosting you, especially if you have little in common.

Why not ask her to join you on some quick errands or a coffee? Maybe she doesn’t want to have extended conversation with you - she sounds a bit bored with it.

You say she doesn’t struggle socially normally and your own mother is ND, I assume you would have mentioned if you were ND yourself, but is this a possibility?

Lovely friends/girlfriends/boyfriends of my children can be irritating to talk to, for different reasons, but are lovely people. I probably placate them, rather than being confrontational about the nonsense they spout. I spout nonsense too!

Why would OP want this woman to join her for 'errands' when they don't get along and also they are at the PIL's house anyway? I genuinely think that the only thing OP can do is limit the time she spends with her in Laws. It's beyond rude of her husband to just spend time with his Dad and let the 'womenfolk' talk. It sounds as if he knows fine well that his mother is difficult, but because it isn't active malice/toxicity he can hide behind pretending that she's lovely and his wife is the bad guy. If my husband tried pulling shit like that we'd be having strong words.

You sound very impatient. Just don’t spend so much time with her op. You don’t sound like you’re being very nice.

Pot/kettle. I think you are being mean spirited.

I always knew when (late) DMIL was recovering from something because she started moaning etc.

We can't all be Guardian readers.

I agree. I’m pretty sure MIL won’t want to join her, but she’d probably prefer that to forced conversion for several hours on her Saturday!

DH is a twat for leaving his poor mother/ poor wife to ‘interact’ for so long with each other.

it’s interesting that many have questioned whether MIL is ND or lonely etc. A lonely little old lady with nothing better to do than listen to her DIL.

Maybe MIL believes she’s doing OP a favour by hosting her 😬 OP needs to find something else to do whilst her DH visit his parents. I’m pretty sure MIL won’t mind less of the inane conversations they are both enduring.

Is he expecting his wife to “do the tedious emotional labour” though? (Which is a very dramatic way of describing chatting to someone you find annoying). OP doesn’t say anywhere that her DH makes do all the talking while he never chats to her. She doesn’t say he expects her to spend time with her either. He might find her just as annoying but he’s still going to love her and care about her. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do to make other people happy. As long as it’s reasonable and doesn’t compromise your own beliefs/boundaries, then that doesn’t make you a people pleaser/weak/unable to stand up for yourself. It just makes you a decent human

Yeah you don't like her but in the interest of family harmony and out of respect to your DH, can’t you at least pretend to like her and just.. be nice?

What do you want to happen here? For people to tell you to go NC?

OP says that her husband just talks to his dad about their shared interests and leaves the OP with his mum. To me that is sexist, archaic behaviour and I wouldn't tolerate it. You may celebrate being a doormat in the name of 'being a decent human being' but I don't. This sort of thing is at the less extreme end of the behaviour we read about every day on here, where men expect their wives to do all the mental load while they are free to do what they want. I don't think that's a good thing.

I must’ve missed that bit. In that case yeah if I was her I’d find that bloody annoying! In general I hate it when there’s a group of mixed gender people and the blokes only talk to the blokes and the women only talk to the women. It’s very backward. If I was the OP I’d be having words with my DH and telling him to contribute more to the conversation. I still think it’s a bit dramatic to make a MN post about it though. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect and a bit of your time if they hold an important position in your life. That’s the being a decent human being part of it. The husband should be pulling his weight though

My guess would be that she's desperate not to offend you in any way and is intimidated by you. She recognises that you have nothing in common and that you are probably brighter / more intellectual than her and she's just trying not to say the wrong thing.
I'm not saying I behaved like your mil but I was always intimidated by DHs family who are all academics, professors and super intellectual. They don't do superficial conversation and I always felt extremely stupid in their company. It probably says more about my self confidence than about them as they are perfectly nice.

This- I wonder whether she fears that you're judging her (and she's right, because you are).

I would stop trying to draw out a different person and just accept her. Maybe she'll feel more able to chat normally, maybe not, but I think your response (being visibly annoyed and snappy) is jolly rude, as is the notion she shouldn't be joining in discussions unless her contribution reaches some bar you've made up.

How much time are you all spending together?

Does your MIL work or have any hobbies? Is so, could you ask her questions about that?

You need to tell your DH not to keep leaving you alone with her as you don't have anything in common so conversation is really awkward and stilted.

Completely agree, I would view this as a DH problem not a MIL problem.

I got stuck in a similar dynamic with DH having worked conversation with FIL and me left with MIL, a nice lady but DH is the only thing we have in common.

Eventually I sat DH down and pointed out we saw his parents for his benefit not mine, so could he please appreciate he needed to speak to both of them and have some consideration for how much weekend time we had together, without his relatives.

It got better and also once I wasn't stuck with MIL for hours we liked each other a lot better and found stuff to talk about.

Yeah that would drive me insane wouldn’t be angry with her but I would avoid being around her she is your mother in law yet you are having mums at the school gate level of conversation it would annoy me so much there must be an underlying reason why she has to put a positive spin on everything I think you might come to find out there is a big unknown problem she is dealing with that’s why she avoids anything negative or confrontational or anything that requires dealing with .

My granny was like that. She'd say, "Nice gate!" Or, "Lovely Curtains!" or "This is such a lovely shaped potato." Or, "Oh, you look lovely today!" when I looked completely normal. I think she was lonely and when she was around people, she'd spring into her social mode and would fill the silence with any old drivel. I just used to ask her deep questions about herself to try to get her off that track and get into something more interesting to talk about. To be fair, she was a very interesting person when not making random positive comments. Looking back, I do love the positivity. So many older people are so negative and depressing to talk to. I think OP, you should maybe try to be less judgmental and more curious about why she is the way she is. Maybe she feels uneasy sometimes.

Sounds like she has low self esteem and that you’re a confident and intelligent woman so she might be intimidated by you (not saying you’re being deliberately intimidating of course, but it’s possible this is part of it which might help you not feel so infuriated). Also cultural - the idea that it’s rude to talk about politics/religion/feelings/anything real at all - and so you’re left with mind numbing small talk - taken to extremes in your case. Either stop going round there so often and leave your husband to go by himself sometimes, or suggest an activity to do together even if it’s just going for a walk.

@anotheranotheramother I feel your pain. My Mil is kind and caring but her conversation is just so boring. She always talks about when she worked (2 years in her whole life but you wouldn't know by listening to her), about her parents or other friends or family you haven't met. And she knows how things are in all countries now because she visited once 50 years ago. DH goes to see her on his own with dc most of the time.

This. You're allowed to express your frustration at having to spend time with someone like this; it would drive me mad, too! I would find an excuse, even a transparently bad one, as to why you can't see her as often and/or for so long. The positive spin on this is she will be far too polite to call you out on it!

I actually thought maybe she had had a stroke or something.

When it comes to PIL, not your circus, not your monkeys. Just try your best to keep the peace for your husbands sake. You don't have to be best friends.

I think the word insipid was invented for just such a person.

'This is such a lovely shaped potato' is just deliciously unhinged. Mid century female politeness is fascinating.

@anotheranotheramother I’ll happily swap with you! Mine goes into every minute detail of the lives of people I’ve never met, am unlikely to meet and have absolutely no connection to. She also expects us to know about things happening within the family that nobody has told us about, as though we should know these things telepathically or through osmosis.

Sounds like some kind of learning disability or neurodiversity. She is masking, ie, she has learnt a script of positive utterances that mean that she doesn’t upset anyone and people like her.

My own grandmother was similar, even when she was very old and her dementia was quite far advanced she had impeccable manners and said positive polite things. It was so ingrained in her. This worked to her advantage in her final years as most other dementia patients in the care home vile. The staff loved look after her as she was a dream in comparison.