Do I confess my feelings to my boss before moving to the other side of the world?

[scaredaboutwork]

I’ve fallen in love with my boss. We are both 28. He’s not technically my line manager, but he’s one of two team leaders, so there is obviously still a work dynamic there.

I’ve genuinely never felt like this about anyone before. We’ve grown really close over the last few months and hang out outside of work sometimes, just the two of us. Nothing has actually happened and it’s all been platonic, but I feel like there is something between us.

I think he likes me too, but obviously I can’t know for sure.

There have been enough moments/signs that make me think I’m not imagining it, but I also know when you really like someone you can read into things.

My feeling is that if it is mutual, we’ve both probably avoided actually doing anything about it because 1) we work together, 2) he’s in a more senior position, and 3) neither of us wants to risk rejection and then have to see each other at work afterwards.

Which brings me to the problem.

I’ve been offered a job in Australia, starting in the New Year.

If he wasn’t in the picture, this would already be a huge life decision, but now I feel completely torn.

Part of me thinks I should just take the opportunity, go to Australia and accept that the timing with him was wrong. I also know that realistically pursuing something while I’m still working with him could get complicated.

But I keep imagining myself sitting on the flight wondering whether I’ve just walked away from someone I could have had something really special with because neither of us was brave enough to say anything. As I said earlier, I’ve literally never felt this way before.

At the same time, the idea of confessing how I feel terrifies me. If I’ve completely misread him, I’ve potentially made our friendship and working relationship awkward right before I leave.

Would you tell him before deciding?

Hi OP.

This happened to me 20 years ago. I'm from Spain and wanted to move to the UK or Ireland just temporarily as an adventure. I was in my mid 20s at the time. A job opportunity came in the UK and decided I was taking it.
There was a guy from college I used to hang out with in Spain. I could spend hours and hours with him. He was funny, kind, interesting and unique in so many ways.
He asked me to go for coffee, we met for drinks one night and i remember that night he was saying he loved spening time with me. He invited me to his apartment a few times but i never went. I was afraid of doing/ saying the wrong thing, whatever that was. I was wondering if he would be feeling the same as me but I was really fearing rejection.
When that opportunity to travel came I really thought to meet him and tell him how I felt and say goodbye. But I didn't. It was safer. And i never saw him again.

Fast forward twenty years happily married with an Irish man, and had my kids and never came back to Spain (only on holidays). Best thing ever and wasn't in my life plan.

But twenty years later I still remember that moment and feels wrong.

Please I would suggest two things to you:

• Go to Australia. Absolutely for many reasons this is something you should do now. It's the right moment, the right age it would expand your horizon. I will never regret my decision to travel, even though I didn't expect to stay!
• Tell him. Because you will never wonder what if. Just tell him and then regardless of his response, follow your plan.

Best of luck.

Mmmmm a difficult situation but surely you need to decide whether or not Australia is really what you want 1st?
If he knows your going then maybe he's just a bit flirtatious and enjoys your company but that wouldn't be enough for me to risk losing such a great opportunity to start again and risk the fact that if you let him know your feelings, and its not mutual you have totally shut the door on asking for your old job back if you don't like Australia????

Have a conversation with him. Tell him “I agree Australia is an amazing opportunity. But it’s a gigantic step. I’ve also really grown to love this job and the people I work with. I really value our friendship and feel we’ve grown closer recently which has. Been lovely. That’s a lot to give up for a six month contract. If I stay, what do you think my prospects are here, in terms of work and our friendship?”
You are not confessing romantic feelings but you’ve told him how much you value his friendship. You’ve given him an opportunity to respond in kind. If he doesn’t take it, you can both focus on the work prospects rather than the romantic prospects. As an aside, my son moved to Sydney 8 years ago knowing no one. He is having the best time and has a massive social group. It’s a wonderful place to live in your 20s. It could be the making of you. If he loved you, he’ll persuade you or pursue you.

Ask him if he would like to go out for a meal/drink sometime and ask him back for coffee.
See if there are any fireworks 🎇, and whether or not you're sexually compatible.
Take it from there.
I'm male by the way.

I think you should tell him (no idea how I would be shitting myself if it were me). You dont want to still be holding a torch for him if you move to Australia, it could cast a dark cloud over other potential relationships.

In my opinion men that like someone would make moves he must be like a movie type man to have held of that long. My boyfriend and me met years before we got together and were just friends but we had many moments where we would start “talking” and realised it wasn’t the right time. I don’t think there was ever a time when I wondered if he liked me though I knew that and he knew the same from me. I think if your unsure honesty he probably doesn’t and you’d going to miss out on an amazing opportunity for yourself. I say to all my childless friends take every opportunity because there may come a time you can’t

reaf the book the mountain is you and think the new job it might help you more then a stranger could x

Not if he's professional (like the OP) in avoiding romantic relationships at work, particularly given he's more senior

He's not her line manager so presumably not the one to give her a reference

My grandfather was due to sail to Australia with the Navy the day after he met my grandma. They met at a dance and he never left the following day. If I was brave enough I’d tell him, the worst that can happen is a little embarrassment but you’re leaving anyway… or .. and I know it’s a bit fairy-tale-esque but perhaps it’s the start of a love story that will be remembered for generations 🤩❤️

Unless the offer in Australia is a big promotion/salary increase … then you’re 28 and there will be plenty of other opportunities to work abroad if you want to. Even if you need to do sonething different.

On the other hand the other hand if you’re 28 and this guy feels more special than anyone you’ve met before - I’d consider that more special than this job that happens to be in another country (and I’ve spent 20 years working abroad in two different foreign countries).

It’s a very tough decision but I think for me the what ifs would kill me of if I didn’t say something especially as you feel u guys are close, the date request etc. Do it and worst case you have an escape route! Please let us know!!

Go to Australia, if anything is going to happen it will, maybe being at a distant may help him realise what hes lost.

Is he married? I wouldn’t if I were you- have you heard of the saying “never shit on your door step”. Don’t do it because this work and you need to keep your work network open. If he felt the same he would’ve said it already so why would you want to boost his ego

Go!

Ask if he would consider visiting and maybe travelling with you for a bit when you are out there, maybe at the 6 month mark. Then you might have your answer as to how keen he is. Absence makes the heart grow fonder (6 months is nothing). Be very wary if he tries to dissuade you from going - love let's someone go. It will also follow to the ends of the earth if necessary. (my Mills & Boon two pennies worth! ).

How about taking a couple of months after moving then if you still feel the same then do that- what happens if you move to the next role and meet someone you truly like?

Disagree entirely with the (edited) second sentence of this post!

Almost as fickle as security of employment ...

Hmm. Just go to Oz.

he has had opportunities to declare himself like a mature and responsible adult to find a way so you both can work through it. He hasn’t so go! Great opportunity. Make the best of it!

you can ofcourse tell him before you go and if it was meant to be you will both still find a way. I am in the go camp. I met my husband whilst travelling and I remember saying to my mum, I am done, lived on 6 continents now so coming home. We have been together 14 years married for 10 with a baby and a toddler.

What complications does this guy have? (it doesn't work out in Aus, come home and find yourself a nice British chap who doesn't have the complications that this one does). He's not married and they won't be working together

I ought to feel as strongly as that for such a big move.
Not necessarily, we all feel differently according to our personalities and background. You're more anxious or questioning that's all.
Obviously a move to Oz is a big step and of course it is intimidating but what an opportunity! Go, you will rise to the challenge and may never get the chance again. You might meet someone out there.
I wouldn't stake everything on a maybe/maybe not relationship. He could come to visit you in Oz or you could rendezvous midway?

I fell in love with someone who’s just moved to Australia, we knew a year ahead.
Of course he can go too, if things work out eventually, but you need to know if it’s something he would want. I’d speak to him now and get it out in the open. If it’s something you both want you’re young enough to make it work. If he never wants to move there and you do then obviously it’s not going to work out.

Sadly I’ve had to walk away in my situation. Don’t let a bit of logistics and distance change anything, think about the job in its own right. You can long distance for a while whilst you get to know each other properly, I wouldn’t make plans around anyone unless I was serious with them for a year or so first. But it can take months to get the visa underway.

Oh just tell him! Life's too short

Actually I think @OldRocker99 might have the right idea. I would still go to Oz regardless. Life is short. Live it! 6 months is nothing. He can visit.

Precisely!

Please don't give up a huge opportunity for a maybe fling. The what ifs work both ways - you could end up in a crappy situation thinking what if I'd taken that opportunity. Being away from home is tough, but adventure and growth awaits. Do it while you're young, and come home with a great CV if you don't like it. If it's meant to be with this guy, tell him to look you up in Oz. Unless you're already having sunset cocktails with another x