Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

Why wouldn’t they have an account with large savings? You’re making a lot of assumptions when you would have no idea of anyone’s financial situation just because they were a sahm.
So to say that sahm’s are stupid and vulnerable is in itself a stupid comment.

I agree I loved being a stay at home mum. Shock horror I still was at home when they went to primary school. I also looked forward to when they were on school holidays which a lot of people on here seem to dislike.

Look at my posts. I have repeatedly said, "if you don't have your own income..., or if you aren't independently wealthy..."

No problem to take time out to raise children if you have your own source of income or are independently wealthy. That small minority of SAHMs is not the problem. It the vast majority who have no income, no significant wealth or assets and think having access to a joint account (that somebody else funds) means they are secure.

Because most people of childbearing/raising age (SAHM or otherwise) don't have enough wealth or assets to support themselves long term. It's hardly the default position...

I very much agree with this.

DH and I both work in sectors that will always exist. But I have been made redundant once, nearly twice, and DH has survived lots of company restructures over the years so has been at risk a lot. The job market is also shit. So i think in our minds, we are more risk-averse and cautious when it comes to ensuring we can provide for our kids and have some security. My salary also meant we have been able to afford private surgery which both our kids needed.

So that’s the answer to the what if questions you raise - which are valid questions you’ve asked and solved for in your marriage.

Are you suggesting because you have it sorted we should stop asking these questions and ignore the millions of women who aren’t this financially secure and are leaving themselves exposed and no way to provide for themselves. I could find multiple posts to link you to within about 3 minutes that show not every household has ensures financial equity.

Also I challenge your statement that it worked fine for years so why is it now a problem. Plenty women were financially, emotionally and domestically abused for years with no choice but to take it, or to stay in a loveless marriage because they relied on their husbands income. Let’s not aspire to that now.

You’re the one who jumped on my response to another quote without even reading it properly so don’t get snarky with me.

The actual comment was that being a sahm is stupid because having no income leaves you vulnerable. That isn’t true, nor is your assertion that you must be drawing an income from assets in order to be secure. It’s perfectly possible to be completely secure, be a sahm, have assets and savings and not withdraw on those monthly as income.

Im not taking out holiday insurance in case my partner shows bad character

Many do have brain cells and skills to offer society - they just choose not to use them.

Good grief. You do understand that having large assets means you have a source of income (even if you don't currently draw it down?)

My point is, that if you do not have the ability to support yourself by your own income (which someone with large financial assets has, even if they are currently reinvesting rather than drawing down) and are reliant on someone else's income (which that person could withdraw at any time for any reason) then you do not have financial security. And this is the siuation that many, many SAHM foolishly put themselves in without fully understanding the risks.

I think there is also an element of lifestyle choice here.

a sahm is doing the housework and child care, and if they find that fullfilling that’s great for them, I guess when the kids go to school they become housewives by definition, really focused on doing the housework and home care most of the time.

personally I need more to fulfil me, I want to earn and work and be with other like minded adults, I want to pull my weight financially and I want my husband to do half off the domestic chores and child care. For me that’s what works, for me, that’s a good role model for my daughter.

im not sure i respect it as a choice if im honest, as i dont want to be home doing the laundry etc, well, other than one woman i know whose husband is incredibly wealthy, i mean fair play to her, she’s financially secure for life if it ended,she’s a cleaner, an ironing lady and a gardener, they have been together since young teens, but the small amount of other women i know who do it , they are in there doing the shopping the cleaning, the laundry, so the husband can go off and work each day, something about it, i find discomforting and money isn’t abundant. They all go without to an extent due to it.

i think it’s now less than 20 percent pf women who do it, and it’s declining faster, and many of those who do, it’s working class and due to child care costs or low income roles they didn’t wish. The other side is the super wealthy.

overall I think it can be positive, ie if for example children have additional needs, or in some instances understandable ie child care costs too high and the woman is the lower earner, but past that, I think if it works for you and your family and you’re fullfilled by it, fair enough, but you don’t need everyone else to think it’s admirable,

@Snokeni agree with everything you say re financially vulnerability coming from many directions. But I can't agree with your first line that the doom mongering is necessary to warn people of the risk. This is precisely the thing that is so patronising and assumes women are too stupid to have thought it through. What kind of idiot doesn't think through their own life decisions? I feel the advice towards SAHMs takes a different tone to advice in other scenarios. There are many risks in life that we take and don't go around preaching about. For example a woman ttc is at risk of having a child with high additional needs that could require her to be a full time carer, but it's a low risk and it would seem mean and bad minded to point that out. Arguably a working mother ttc is at a higher risk than a SAHM ttc her second as she had much more to lose. I think people would be very annoyed if SAHM was helpfully 'pointing out the risk' and telling them stories of families where everything went to shit. People should respect each other's choices and assume they are intelligent and capable unless they have good reason to believe otherwise.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I don't think women are stupid at all but there are an astonishing amount of sahm's on here who have found themselves in panicked situations where their husbands/partners have lost their jobs and the family can't afford to live or where they have fallen out of love with their husband or partner and can't afford to leave. It's quite obvious that the risks still needs to be talked about because so many (mostly) women either don't look into it or don't think about all the what if's. I know OP is saying you shouldn't think about the what if's because it might never happen, and that's primarily where mine and her opinion differs. It's too big of an issue to ignore when you have kids.

@Marroon
Of course its possible but then the issues dont relate to somone who is financially secure so why get involved on every thread if it doesnt relate to you
Its like someone mentioning homelessness and everyone piping up its not an issue as I have a home 🤦‍♀️
Having said that I know of 2 extremely wealthy families ( landowners 20 plus million ) where the DH / family was exceptionally clever and lawyered up, the end result was the assets were protected and the on paper finances counted for little.
They got nothing

I think it is almost always a bad choice minus a few exceptions and that it isn't great at a societal level for women (because it always 'makes sense' for the woman to give up her career, of course).

People will obviously do what they feel is best, I'm not sure why they need my approval or respect. Just do what you want if it makes you happy.

so why get involved on every thread if it doesnt relate to you

I’m honestly not sure what point you are making? The thread isn’t specifically about financially insecure women? Why am I not allowed to get involved with the thread? Why does the thread relate more to you than me?

Its like someone mentioning homelessness and everyone piping up its not an issue as I have a home
Is it though?* *
Which is my comment specifically has been anything like that? I have merely pointed out that being a sahm is not in itself a vulnerable or financially reckless thing to do. Many women are not stupid and can make their own decision. People seem intent on infantilising sahm’s as though that can’t possibly have good financial planning.
It’s bizarre.
Many dual working couples are a one or two pay cheques away from defaulting on their mortgage and are utterly reckless financially, I don’t see anyone assuming the same applies to every single working mother.

Blimey, I hit quite the nerve there! 😂

That’s my view, why need others validation, why this thread, if it works for you and you’re happy and fulfilled, crack on, do what works for you.

but wanting others validation and to feel positive about your own choices, then this isn’t something you can argue or defend your way into, many of us responding are women, it isn’t a choice we’d make, or 0ne we would chose for our daughters, we often don’t see it as a good role model for equality. And that view won’t be changed, so everyone agree to do their own thing.

i don’t seek validation for working, I couldn’t care less what others think, when I see the comments on someone else raising our kids, I raise an eyebrow, grin and move on.

Blimey, I hit quite the nerve there! 😂
Same 😂

Not at all. I actually use the knowledge I have for the good of the sector I work in.

It’s great that we agree these risks can be solved with proper planning. That was exactly my point you can be a SAHM and be financially smart about it.
I’m definitely not suggesting we ignore financial abuse or the women who find themselves trapped. Those situations are awful. But my thread wasn’t about those desperate cases it was about the immediate backlash and doom mongering that happens whenever someone shares a happy, secure SAHM experience. There is a huge difference between a healthy, protected partnership and financial abuse.
As for the past, of course many women were trapped in awful situations due to lack of choices, and nobody is aspiring to go back to that. But plenty of other couples back then also had genuinely happy, successful marriages built on mutual trust.
My issue is the extreme what if brigade on here that assumes every single SAHM is blind to reality or destined for ruin, completely ignoring that it is possible to choose this lifestyle responsibly and safely today

You’re still missing the point, and there are multiple

one it’s happy and positive till it isn’t,
two it’s a tiny percentage of women who are married to men wealthy enough to be able to ensure they are life time secure and who have strong enough careers to fall back on.
three, few women are fulfilled just doing the household stuff and child care
four it is seldom seen an equality in a relationship

we all understand you personally are married to a man in the top few percent of earners who has secured your future, and you personally don’t like to work and are fullfilled doing the house and child stuff

but few women are in your position where they tick all these boxes. Most do not.

there are endless threads on here about women pissed off about doing it all and wanting a break, about not having full access to money, about all the other kids having clothes, tech, holidays, better houses, and theirs don’t as they can’t afford it,about marriages suddenly ending and them being worried desperately about money or finding employment thay would sustain them, of husbands cheating and having to stay becaude they can’t afford to leave.

yes you’re the unicorn, we get that, your husband must be on a high six figures to be able to give you everything you’re saying and logically you must know that’s a tiny minority,

I don't need your approval or respect, but writing off someone else's personal life choice as a bad choice' is just unnecessary.
For a lot of us, it isn't about societal pressure or being forced into a role. It’s simply about what makes our day to day family life the happiest and least stressed. We aren't doing it blindly we've planned our finances responsibly as a team so that everyone is protected.
True choice means supporting women whichever path they choose, rather than writing off an entire lifestyle just because it wouldn't suit you.