Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

I pretty much don't know any SAHM! They are an endangered species where I live.

i wouldn't like to be a stay at home mum - but you do you!

I prefer being at work most of the week - i don't want to be in charge of all the house stuff / laundry / cleaning / organising / shopping! i find that stuff boring.

theres less of that to do anyway when you are all out of the house all day as nobody is making anymore mess.

it's easiliy managed by washing machine timer having the wash ready when you wake up or get in - folding and putting away in front of the tv at night - doesnt take long

whoever isn't putting kids to bed tidies after dinner - only take a few mins

dropping at breakfast club on the way to work isn't hard - my husband cycles her there in 5 mins and on to his job and at his desk by 8.45

I take the baby to nursery at 8 and on to work for 8.30 no stress

And then we each pick a child up on the way home no biggy

I was a SAHM for a period of 6 months or so - I found myself acting differently to my DP. More of a dutiful wife than a fair up partner. I enjoyed being at home with the kids and doing art projects and stuff - but I did feel I need to be more 'wifey' not sure if that makes sense.

I think its mainly on MN. I dont meet lots of SAHP in real life unless kids are under 5 years of age.

I think its a bit delusional though to say that if you are married you would have to sell the house anyway.... yes but at least you would have a job! There's also lots of people complaining about abuse.

I will never forget a mum posting saying she was looking round the house for things to sell as she was desperate for money. So you can understand OP.

?

Feel like what?

That we trust and value each other and aren't just together for financial reasons? He knows that!

That I have as much value in the workplace as he has? He knows that!

That we're a team who have equally shared the earning, as well as the family responsibilities? He knows that!

That we both have value outside of the home and the right to an intetesting and fulfilling career alongside building our family? He knows that!

Seriously, 30 years together, happily married, successfully brought up two amazing young adult children together, we're all good.

But it isn't about believing that your marriage will last forever. It's about believing that your current husband would leave you and any kids destitute if you were to separate. Those are different things.

Anyone who thinks that of their current partner and makes decisions on that basis should let them know how they think.

Two sides to this-
— people expressing concerns about the financial insecurity and limited career prospects that can result from someone being a SAHP- fine
-people sneering about SAHPs being thick and lazy- not fine

My experience of briefly being a SAHM and of my friends who still are is that it’s great fun- lovely to be able to spend more time with your children and entirely meaningful and fulfilling for those who actively choose it from a place of security. Completely different story when it’s not your choice or when other aspects of life become difficult.

No that you think he would potentially leave you and the kids in poverty if he left so you have had to work hard alongside parenting to make sure that can't happen.

I was a housewife before I was a SAHM. I couldn't give a crap what random people on Mumsnet think of me. I can guarantee I wouldn't swap my life for theirs.

I don't look on not having to work as a considerable self-sacrifice.

DH and I have talked about this. I fully disagree with your position. Neither of us know what will happen in the future. He understands my financial vulnerability AND the fact that I trust him.

It's not an either / or.

Did he say that he doesn't know if he would properly support you and the kids if you broke up?

Unless the DH is seriously rich, there will be major drops in quality of life if one income needs to fund 2 homes. Its not about being a bastard, its just maths.
Edit to add my DM is now a pensioner in poverty, her min wage work couldn't match the 30+ years of pension contribution my DF could make without her. So its a long term risk.

@Seagulldancing completely agree. My mum was a SAHM for 20* years - she gave up a high flying career even before having 3 children as my dad didn’t want her ‘earning more’ and wanted her to be there when he got home from work. 25 years later, he divorced her. She was royally shafted in the divorce and had nothing, she didn’t even know how to set up a direct debit. It was devastating to watch.

I will never be that dependent on anyone. My husband and I share the load equally.

I genuinely do not understand what I would be modelling to my children if I did not go out to work. It’s important to me that they see both parents contributing in many ways and not just by daddy going out to work whilst mummy stays home and cooks and does pick up. So outdated and old fashioned.

Also I would be bored as fuck

I was a SAHM when my DC were young. I had almost a decade out of the workplace before restarting my career, so no hate here, but as my DDs embark on adulthood I would never recommend it to them.

Over the years I’ve seen many divorces. Worse I’ve seen many women who want to divorce and have no choice but to stay.

And outside of that I know very few women who decades into staying at home truly have equal footing. There’s a subtle deference to the bill payer regarding where to holiday, whether a weekend away with friends is appropriate etc etc.

Benefits would help. A drop in QoL can happen for a range of reasons

Why do you think I think that? What a weird life view you have.

DH and I are simply equals. We didn't prioritise his earnings, career and long term financial security over my earnings, career and long term financial security, because I'm valued and respected just as much as he is. My career and financial security weren't seen as disposable.
And we could both absolutely be fine apart financially if necessary. We are together because we actively love and respect each other and because we want to be. We don't have to stay together because we rely on each other finacially or would feel guilty about withdrawing financial support. We choose each other, we're not beholden to each other.
It's a very emotionally healthy and successful marriage of two equals

I think there is a big difference between a desperate situation where someone has no access to money, and a healthy partnership where everything is shared. Of course those awful situations happen, but that is financial abuse, not the standard SAHM experience.
As for the house, my point was about security. A working couple with a massive mortgage they can only afford on two incomes will still lose their home if they separate. Having a job doesn't magically pay a mortgage that requires two salaries.
In the same way, someone could suddenly become disabled and lose their career or earning power tomorrow. You simply cannot plan for every single tragedy.
It isn't delusional to choose a low stress lifestyle that works for your family today just because of a what if scenario decades away. We are financially protected, we have savings, and life isn’t an endurance test. Just because you don't see it in your circle doesn't mean happily married, long term SAHMs don't exist in the real world.

Oh he absolutely would. He's a very active hands on dad who wouldn't let his son go short.

However we are old enough and ugly enough to have seen enough couples split up and how messy it can get.

Plus he understands that it's still something that makes me vulnerable.

It doesn't cost him anything to ensure that I'm both financially secure even though I trust him. Plus it still would leave me in a position where any job I got would be minimum wage even if he was good about splitting assets.

It's about potential earnings as much as splitting assets though.

Would you have preferred to be at home and raising your children full-time?

@Anonfortoday2 I really couldn't care whether you want to SAH or WOH or do whatever works for your family but, Sweet Jesus! Why does it matter to you if other people are negative about your choices? Why do you need validation?

It must be difficult to be so narrow minded. I hope you dont "model " that for your children.

Well you're contradicting yourself.

I can categorically say that if me and my husband split up, I would not use what power I have to try and get one over on him in any way and I can say the same for him.

Yes we know other people get messy. Even people we love have got messy. But we wouldn't. I wouldn't have this life with someone I suspected would get messy so I haven't made any choices "just in case he bails".

she gave up a high flying career even before having 3 children as my dad didn’t want her ‘earning more’ and wanted her to be there when he got home from work.

I mean the signs for what sort of man he was were all there.

Nope not for me
My main focus was on being a partnership who raised our children together
I would never risk my financial security to facilitate a man being less stressed, its part of being an adult
I also wanted my children to gave a hands on loving father
3 DC, 3 mat leaves, BF
2 careers/ pensions
No childcare