Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

I do understand that people worry about that, but the phrase permanently fucked is just classic Mumsnet doom mongering.
In the UK, the courts specifically look at the sacrifice a SAHP parent made. Marital assets, the family home, and pension sharing are all legally designed to balance things out so the woman isn't just left with nothing.
Plus, a lot of SAHMs actually have plenty of time to study and retrain while the kids are growing up. Plenty of women use that time, or their settlement, to get new qualifications, start businesses, or enter an entirely new field when the kids are older or if needed .

Are you single?

Again, at a general population level - why do "we" as women feel like that ? Is it something biological ? Or is because we have been socialised & convinced by decades of patriachial attitudes that child-rearing is 100% women's responsability ? Can't that responsability be shared ?

Now again, everyone can do what they want, but blindly accepting that women as a group are "wired" a certain way is a dangerous way of thinking in my view

I do think there is a biological aspect. The same thing that can make us feel irrationally furious at someone merely cooing over our newborn.

I do think it becomes a cross to bear if you don't try and balance it and focus on what you want life to look like over the long term in relation to the division of labour

I don’t ever understand why anyone would be passionately invested in someone else’s life choices.

SAHP? Great!
Working parent? Great!

I personally would love to be a SAHM but financially could never afford to, I have friends who would hate it and love their job. Neither option makes one better than the other so it’s a shame that anyone would have anything negative to say about the other. The majority of us are just trying our best aren’t we 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people are judgey because they see it as beneath them, some people think you should never rely on your husband for anything.

My main goal in life is to be happy, healthy, enjoy myself, and provide my DC with the best life I can. For me personally that’s staying home with them for at least a few years despite previously earning well and being degree educated.

I was a SAHM for 9 years and no one ever said a word to me about it, either positive or negative, because guess what - back in reality no one gives a sh!t about other people’s family set-up.

It’s only on MN that the hatred is evident, more often than not from those who are probably not entirely happy with their own lives and can hide behind their anonymity on here.

In general women are more attached to their babies. It’s a natural biological reaction. When breastfeeding was the only option, mums were essential to the baby's survival.

My sister (59)was a stay at home wife before kids, had 2 children and continued to stay at home, she never worked.

When I chat to my sister I actually cringe at what she considers a busy day. She I’ll say things like, I’m crazy busy tomorrow, I’ve the dentist, grocery shop and am meeting a friend for lunch!

I would never say anything to her but OP what you do can be done by 2 adults in far less time than you think. You are doing less than you think, sorry.

Just ignore them. Its become the norm for mums to have to or want to go out and work. I am a sahm too. Joint small mortgage and we cut our cloth accordingly. Its still worth it. My kids need me 24/7 anyways due to me being their carer. so.. there is that but if that was not the case I would still have been sahm. There is huge value.

Shes 59. What do you want her to do?
Shes fully entitled to say thats a busy day, sounds busy to me.
A full day, up and out, living her life.
It doesnt have to be down the mines or drudgery to be busy.

Because its so stupid to put yourself in such a vunerable position.

I don't have any degree of mistrust in my husband. I still understand the need to be able to provide for myself. It's not just about someone leaving you. It could also be them not able or willing to support you for plenty of other reasons. Job loss, health issues, caring responsibilities to name just a few. And in retirement, needing to use their pensions and finances to pay for carers/care homes etc.

It is foolish to rely on another person for your longterm financial security.

She’s been saying this since she was 25!

The majority of stay at home mums are working class, with the next down, by a long way is upper middle. So No it’s not more financially secure not to work and to survive on one salary, and have no financial independence.

is if viewed negatively, for me, I think each should do what works for them, but I didn’t want it, even though I could have easily and I’d not want my daughter to do it either, I’m a huge believer in equality, and feminism, is about equality in all areas, socio, economic and political, not a right to chose as some think,

of course women should chose to do what works for them invididuallly , but there is a reason men don’t wish to do this and women are declining it more and more with the amount of women financially inactive declining rapidly.

many women don’t do this through choice, they do it as they can’t afford the child care, or they are in low income jobs they don’t like so prefer not to do them.

veey different if you’ve a very wealthy husband who pays into a savings account for you, gives you your own account, gives you full access to his money and pays into a pension for you, in any meaningful way, but most don’t have that. There is little spare and they cut their cloth accordingly

And? Still a full day, doing what she wants/needs to do.
Not every life has to be filled with drudgery/work/employment to be of value.

You should tell your husband that you feel like this.

I'm a SAHM. On paper I am financially ok. Genuinely. I'd be able to afford a small house and live for a while with an smallish pension. But honestly if we split I'd still be screwed.

And I'm in a much better position than a lot of SAHMs.

I don't recognise your analysis at all.

YOU might be set up to be in a perfect position but honestly I think it's very much the exception rather than the rule and quite honestly, I think it's both naive and doing women a massive disservice to suggest differently.

Unless women are fully aware of the reality rather than the ideal then they remain at risk.

And THAT is the point.

This is one of those 'Im alright Jack' posts which are utterly clueless about anyone else but themselves. It's like a lawyer who says 'why can't all your children get jobs like lawyers?'.

Meanwhile in the real world.

This site is negative about most things that the real world has no concern with because most of us are looking after our family and/or working and nice.

I think some very disturbed or emotionally oppressed/repressed people come here to bully as a way to vent and then go about their day not caring about what they pretend to be so passionate about online.

That said, I think it's wonderful you're a SAHM if that's what you want to do and I'm sure your children will grow up to appreciate your choice.

It’s so stupid to assume that everyone is in a vulnerable position.

No, happily married nearly 30 years.
Continued with my career (albeit I took full mat leave, and worked part time for a few years).

I'm now in the luxurious position of being independently financially wealthy. I could retire today (early 50s) and I have enough income to support myself from my investments and have chunky pensions that I could take later, plus of course a fully paid up state pension. My DH is in a similar situation.

We love and respect each other, and are together because we want to be, not because we're reliant on each other for financial support.

I know plenty of SAHM in real life. It’s perfect for the children and if the H is a good earner, it’s ideal for him too, as tbh, less pressure is on him to ‘ co’ things. It’s a great luxury these days to be able to SAH and ime SAHM’s often stick together socially.

But you also believe that he would leave you deserted if you broke up and so you've had to make choices you perhaps would have preferred not to make in case he fucks you over. Must feel like shaky ground to live.

Because most of us know some woman who has been fucked over and left in poverty. My DM was left looking for her first ever job aged 55, which was a object lesson to me. Ive seen it happen to many more since. We all like to believe our DH won't be the one of the nasty ones, but you can't count on it.

Out of every couple I know, I genuinely think that DH and I have one of the highest levels of trust between us.

Even then I still think it's naive to assume that everything will always stay the same.

DH happens to be the worst liar I have ever met and he's even worse at keeping secrets.

This doesn't mean that we don't need to work on our marriage or that it's perfect. That's the point for me. If it's all plain sailing I think a level of complacency and niavity in there too. You should have ups and downs and if you don't I'd be concerned about that as a dynamic too.

I became a SAHM out of circumstance rather than active choice. I like it but I also have days where it's really difficult too. If it's an active choice I think thats a very different set of circumstances too.