Uncomfortable about husband and friend spending the weekend together

[Aliceintheattic]

Name change for obvious reasons.

So, I've been married for nearly 20 years. Two young teens.
Husband and I have very long term friends who are a couple. Really, I made a friend, and we dragged our husbands along. We've done a lot together.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Out kids are both into the same activity, and there's a event on this weekend. I have to visit a relative, so I'm not going. My husband and my friend are each taking the kids. They aren't travelling, but will be spending a big part of the weekend together. I'm not super comfortable with this, but really not sure how to approach it.

You either trust DH or you don’t.

I can see why you are uncomfortable with it but I don’t think there is anything to approach. Them taking the DC to an event is a reasonable thing to do. Realistically they are not going to be able to get up to anything with the DC there.

Can you say more about what happened a year ago? That's not very long.

And why are you still friends with her if she was flirting with your husband??

I would say time to stop being friends with them and to change your children's activities so that this sort of thing doesn't happen.

Perfectly understandable for you to feel uncomfortable in this situation IMO.

Why are you still friends if she was flirting with your husband?

Honestly if something is going to happen it’s going to happen at some point. Either you trust him or you don’t. Regardless of who flirted with DH I would trust him to behave correctly.

I think you can get a vibe shift without flirting, it’s hard to put your finger on it but it’s there and since no-one has actually done anything it’s difficult to call it out. You could try talking to your husband clearly about your concerns.

If you feel something isn't right then it probably isn't.

What actually happened? Did they admit to anything if anything inappropriate happened it's fair to ask them not to go. Otherwise, you need to get over it, if there's no evidence anything happened.

What do you mean about the vibe got a bit enthusiastic? Can you give some examples of how things felt different? What did you do to stop it?

As for the weekend - your kids do an activity and you aren’t available to take them, so your husband has to. I take it he can’t drop them then collect at the end? If he has to stay, what is his actual plan? Why do you assume he will spend a big part of the weekend with your friend? If you have a conversation a year ago, he may well avoid her and talk to other parents.

It’s not unreasonable for them to be taking their respective kids to this event, and presumably they haven’t organised the event themselves and timed it with when you were away, so not their fault that you can’t go! If they are cheating, or want to cheat, this event is irrelevant - they’ll find a way. So it boils down to whether or not you trust your husband.

Can you talk to your husband about how something is making you insecure and vulnerable about her recently and you want to check in with him.
I think you need to get a sense as to whether he is going to be dismissive or if he will be kind.

I don't think anyone is 100% trustworthy.
I've been with my husband for decades and I'm pretty sure he is faithful and has every intention of staying faithful, but if I felt he was getting an emotional connection with a female friend that was playing with fire, I would not just blindly trust him. I'd tell him not to bullshit me or even think about betraying me because I absolutely would find out and it wouldn't end well, and that you expect him to back off any friendship that feels borderline and remember who he married, and you'll do the same in return.
Monogamy is a choice
I think peoples relationships are mostly context driven and opportunistic and it's OK to be protective.

Where does the OP say the above?!

Do you mean spending the weekend together overnight?

What actually happened?

You can’t punish your kids by not letting them go, if you think he’s going to fuck your friend then deal with it, banning them being together isn’t going to stop them,

If you feel something isn't right then it probably isn't.

Definitely this

If it's just a day time activity over two days and they are not staying over anywhere it sounds OK unless they really have planned something devious, in which case the horse has already bolted. You could remind him of what happened before and to be careful, but that is it really.

I’m guessing op and dh spent time with friend (and husband?) and op felt like a gooseberry.

Maybe has stern conversation with dh about what went on a year ago, and remind him how you felt. Or lots of messages throughout the weekend - what’s the score? Hows dc doing? How’s other team doing etc? Request photos? Etc, ie be a pest (and make yourself part of the event).

Inferred perhaps because the OP says the friend was being too enthusiastic...

It’s up to them to hold the boundary, despite their chemistry. I remember my best friends husband suddenly telling me that he wanted to sleep with me, it seemed so out of the blue. I don’t know why suddenly shifted the rules. If I were you I’d remind my DH of the boundary in advance, and make sure he’s not ‘ hungry’ before he sees her. Uncomfortable situation. I feel for you. On the flip side, people can have chemistry in a group, and it not be there when alone together.

Dismiss feelings of mistrust.

Goodbye sweetheart. Kiss hug.
Have a wonderful weekend with the kids.
Remember to watch out for flirty Jill.
I'll bring back a treat from Xxxxx.

Because it is unimaginable that someone's "feelings" might be wrong. No, we are all attuned to the energies around us, and we just "know". Please, that is nonsense.
People giving into feelings rather than leaning on actual facts say things like that. For all you know, it's all about OP's insecurity, as she never said anything exact about what happened, what it means that her friend and husband were too direct. Maybe they were just friendly towards each other, nothing more, but OP has issues with her self-worth or insecurity. I am not saying that is the case, but we just don't know, do we? If she now says that they were flirting or whatever, I of course agree. But not knowing is just silly woodoo-magic level nonsense to say that.

I would not be happy with this at all. Trust your instincts!!!!

But we don't even know what happened. She might completely be wrong with this being about her insecurity, rather than anything. Why would you urge to keep at it, if you don't even know the whole story?

I would remind him gently before you leave that he's made you feel uncomfortable with this friendship in the past, and you don't expect that line to be crossed again. Plus if your DC are going to be there, it's not like they'll be one to one the whole time.

There’s not much you can do. If someone wants to cheat then they will. In your situation I would raise it with DH. I’d say something like remember what happened last year? I felt really uncomfortable. How do you feel about friend? I’m feeling worried about this upcoming weekend away. I wouldn’t ask
anything of him or make any demands but how he responded would be important to me. I don’t want my DH to cheat on me, of course, but my happiness is not tied up in his fidelity because I can’t control it. Communication is vital here.

It doesn’t say that either though….

It says the vibe between the husband and friend was too enthusiastic.

What happened to basic comprehension?!

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

I'd say that if you pulled him up, and he understood and took notice, and it hasn't been an issue since, then there is no way to approach it other than presume that he can handle himself appropriately in this situation.

You can't bodyguard him all the time, and there are plenty more opportunities that come his way, other than a hobby event with kids present?

I was having trouble putting it into words, but yes, I felt like a gooseberry.

It wasn't concious, deliberate flirting. If that was it, the situation would be different. It was more that I had to butt into the conversation too many times.