Uncomfortable about husband and friend spending the weekend together

[Aliceintheattic]

Name change for obvious reasons.

So, I've been married for nearly 20 years. Two young teens.
Husband and I have very long term friends who are a couple. Really, I made a friend, and we dragged our husbands along. We've done a lot together.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Out kids are both into the same activity, and there's a event on this weekend. I have to visit a relative, so I'm not going. My husband and my friend are each taking the kids. They aren't travelling, but will be spending a big part of the weekend together. I'm not super comfortable with this, but really not sure how to approach it.

“Instinct is something you develop based on patterns over time,”

No it isn’t. Maybe that’s why your posts are so confused.

Stop being friends with this couple - unless you're like really best friends from a long long time ago, in which case I'm sure the attraction wouldn't happen as most people have an inbuilt "no go area" boundary about spouse's close friends - if this is simply a couple you're friendly with, why are you maintaining the friendship? What's the value of it, if you feel your husband is attracted to the woman and you have to worry about them? I would remove the couple from my life (and your husband's reaction will tell you exactly whether you were right or wrong, by the way)

It is not emotional intelligence, to get in a circle and encourage each other to blindly trust what is only in our mind, quite the opposite, rather a silly thing to do. Intelligence is about using our head and rationale in situations, not giving into feelings and emotions.
Op has said it herself "nothing happebed" and "nobody has done anything". Emotional intelligence is to recognise them, and treat them accordingly - with healthy communication with her husband - but surely I am wrong, being so emotionally unintelligent.

Ask yourself - Imagine your husband doesn't want you to go to see your friends or a girls night out because there will be a man you find attractive. What would the advice be? or the reasonable thing to do. I wonder how many of the pps would join the circle and think he has something to worry about. Yeah, exactly.

I’m afraid that you’re just continuing to demonstrate your lack of understanding about the difference between feelings and instincts.

What is friend's dh opinion? Does he seem uncomfortable?

Well, as we know, there are varying levels of attraction, from a frisson to a Boulder rolling down à hill about to flatten you. It sounds to me that you think there is a potential for momentum between them. In which case as I see it, all you can do, is confide your fear in your DH and ask him to protect your marriage.

Oh do tell. What is instinct? The unnatural cosmic gift handed to you by some higher power from the universe so you can spot a cheater? I am genuinely curios, what is instinct in your book.

You too, @Starlia , please join and hare what instinct is.

Please stop. Your incomprehension is irrelevant to the thread.

In your first post, you say ‘they aren’t travelling’ - by this I guess you mean it is local to where you live? So is it just a daytime event rather than over the whole weekend? Will they actually have much time just the 2 of them alone together without the kids being by their side?
Sorry for all the questions – no need to answer if it would be too outing.

It’s by-the-by anyway, as like others have said you can’t always oversee what he does.

if it’s any help, I agree with what other said about how it is possible to have a good ‘vibe’ with someone that you would never want to be in a relationship with or sleep with. I have a few male friends that I have really great lively conversations with, sometimes connecting with them in a way that I wouldn’t with my own husband. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with any of them, as my husband has the overall package for me! Plus I find it attractive that my husband is confident enough to never get jealous about how I get on with other guys.

Why are you being so aggressive? There's something triggering you in this whole thread, so maybe you should move on. I mean this kindly - you're contributing nothing but stress and hostility.

@Aliceintheattic What did your DH and grind specifically say in response when you spoke to them about it last year?

Never ignore your gut! the fact you said “We've been married for a long time, so I can tell when he's turned on” is worrying enough. As others have said, you are sensing what is there between them. It is undeniable when there is chemistry between two people and can be almost palpable. That will only get stronger the more they are together.
In this situation it is very easy for things to escalate as they seek the buzz and thrill they feel being in each other’s company.
I would definitely take a step back from the friendship and the activity before it goes past the point of no return. Snuff it out before it get’s going, otherwise you are just fanning the flames of desire.
Someone mentioned before that even the most trustworthy people can do shitty things and it is so true, you just need the right combination of things to fall into place at the right time and it would be easy to go too far. At which point your relationship is ruined.
People will say “oh don’t be ridiculous” but i have seen this played out and everything can be called innocent until it’s not.

Not sure why you’re so hysterical about this.

Because I see unhealthy group mentality where instead of trying to ensure the op that the negative feelings her mind conjured up are a product of her mind and she can work through them with her husband with open communication, I see how some are pushing her towards giving into these negative thoughts, encouraging to try and run there before the husband and friend can give in to their urges, encouraging that yes, those feelings should be treated as facts. What fresh nonsense is this?

I may sound like it. But you didn't manage to correct me or tell me what instinct is then. I am ready to learn if there is anything to learn.

And how do you know there is no truth in what she’s feeling? Why are you so adamant that you are right and everyone else is wrong?

You were there?

What are the arrangements for the weekend? Will they just be going for the day, or are they staying over in a hotel or something?

Whether something we have a feeling about is true or not is 50-50%. But if the people in question did in fact "do nothing wrong", and "nothing happened" (OP's words), then it is just silly to treat this like there is indeed foul play.

Is dh different about preparing for this weekend compared to others? New clothes? On his phone (possibly messaging?). Ie. Any signals?

Not quite. Actually, in humans, instinct is innate, coded into our genetics and automatically triggered by our environment. In the scenario at hand, OP's innate instinct has told her something is off. Her dh's behaviour, expressions, voice, tone, inflections, eyes, eye movement, a myriad of minute cues to more elaborate have given her the sense that her husband has more than a polite interest in her friend, in addition to OP knowing her husband intimately for 20 years. When she called him on it he changed his behaviour.

"My husband and my friend are each taking the kids". Is your friend's husband also going or is your friend going alone with your DH?

Although you didn’t @ me exhaustedDAD I’ll happily explain as it seems to have touched a nerve for you.

Instinct is actually a very old biological response to danger that kept us from being eaten by lions and bears and other scary animals back when we were living in caves. Exciting!

As evolution moved on and society changed those instincts could relax a little (phew)

Nevertheless our ancient and very old alarm system operates in a modern work now - sometimes being able to detect danger by subtle changes, previous experience, face expressions, tone of voice - in fact there is many many triggers that can cause that uneasy feeling you get in your body when you feel something is quite not right. Our brains process information much quicker than our conscious does.

It could be just knowing your DH is lying when you don’t have any proof - this is usually down to tiny micro expressions and tiny changes in his tone that your brain picks up.

Having a creepy feeling about the guy at the M&S check out that makes me want to hurry past him

Not walking down a street at night as it just feels unsafe - even when no one is there.

Knowing there is a problem with your teenager even when they say they are ‘fine’

You’re brain, nervous system and stomach are all connected - that’s where the term ‘Gut Feeling’ comes from.

So it’s not ‘mystical’ or a ‘woman’s super power’ it’s just biology. Our brain processing thousands of pieces of information BEFORE out consciousness has caught up.

Maybe we are just better at it than men.

Exactly! It is passed down in our genes, based on things that are dangerous to us, like certain coloured animals being poisonous, based on patterns our ancestors embedded in them. But there is a fine line - We can't just call it instinct because it fits our narrative, because in this case, OP could easily just have a feeling. And that is just that - a feeling.
People casually calling it instinct when the bad thing they had a feeling about comes to pass, and then retrospectively promote it to knowing it instinctively. And there are myriads of other examples when the feeling come and went and no bad thing happened. Somehow that wasn't instinct.

Realistically, it would also be a bit jarring and nonsensical to imagine that the husband so openly puts it in view that he has plans with the friend, right there in the presence of OP. That makes no sense, either. And of course he changed how he behaved - it was brought to his attention that something makes his wife uncomfortable, of course he needs to address it somehow.

50-50…so why are you dismissing OP’s gut feeling that something is amiss? Every post of yours on here is you telling her she’s insecure and it’s in her head. The reality is that there is a good chance it wasn’t in her head at all. Intuition exists for a reason and it is often correct.