Uncomfortable about husband and friend spending the weekend together

[Aliceintheattic]

Name change for obvious reasons.

So, I've been married for nearly 20 years. Two young teens.
Husband and I have very long term friends who are a couple. Really, I made a friend, and we dragged our husbands along. We've done a lot together.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Out kids are both into the same activity, and there's a event on this weekend. I have to visit a relative, so I'm not going. My husband and my friend are each taking the kids. They aren't travelling, but will be spending a big part of the weekend together. I'm not super comfortable with this, but really not sure how to approach it.

Good idea.
I really wish I’d had advice from posters in here why my exh’s infatuation with shared hobby mum began. ( They are together now, btw)

Dh and friend addressed their closeness as soon as you mentioned. They have both proved your feelings are higher priority than their friendship.

If dh was asking you not to attend the weekend activity I would see your point but you are unavailable and presumably child wants to go? While i understand your discomfort I think child's hobby and having a parent this is the priority. You have to trust dh and friend.

Jumping shark = Go, run, love, catch them in the act / go and monitor them
My suggestion was to communicate with the husband, talk openly - and I am the aggressive, blunt one.

😂😂
Who p!ssed on your chips?
😂😂

Haha :D

Make the call
cut the freindship
cut the activity
tell your husband why
do this asap before it goes the step too far
either cancel their weekend or go with them
you are fighting for your marriage here so pull out all the stops you can
act now don’t let it continue

If you have to actively fight to stop someone from cheating then it's already a lost cause. People have to decide not wanting to cheat. Spouses are not animals you can stop from seeing other animals with fences. You either trust your husband or you don't.

@exhaustDAD with kindness, you are really making a nuisance of yourself on this thread. You are not being respectful or kind and it’s really derailing this thread.

The thing is you can’t continue controlling this to the extent that you are & hope to keep your marriage intact.

If they are going to cheat you aren’t going to stop it.

currently there is no trust between you and your husband, whether thats just your insecurity or has foundations is not for us to judge. There aren’t enough details to know.

you can’t micromanage/control the situation to resolve your insecurity.

Everyone is entitled to not like what the other person has to say. You might not like my view dealing with reality and facts instead of basing my actions on simple gut feelings, but there are plenty who agree that the right course of action is to sit down and talk with the husband about what causes the uncomfortable feelings for OP. I stayed with the topic all the way. And if we are calling out unkindness, please do so for others, because I tend to respond in kind. There are instances above where people say "it's bullshit", etc. But it's fine, I guess, depending on where you stand in the argument.

I can see it being annoying, I agree about that. But at the end of the day, all I am saying is to not treat simple feelings as facts, or urge OP to go down that road, because it is not helpful at all. Rationale and reason are the keys, not joining hands and feeding something that might not even be there. That is just being destructive for nothing

I remember your post! I’m so sorry that happened 🩷 I hope you’re doing okay - you deserve so much better and never forget how fabulous you are xx

I’d suggest her husband take the kids and centre it as a male bonding type/mates event for the dads. I’d also start fading her and her husband out if you’re prioritising your marriage. The limerance/ infatuation will decrease the less they see of each other, but if you don’t want to fade her out - see her alone and limit the opportunities they have of being in the same place - so yeah maybe cut the couples things.

I have experience of this. I had to be very direct with DH that I’m uncomfortable with it. To be fair she instigated most of it (put sun cream on my back please etc etc) but he responded. I said we wouldn’t be seeing the couple anymore if he didn’t make it clear he’s not interested.

Well that is not related at all to what "jumped the shark" means, so there is that. And "Thank you for clarifying. So, as it turns out it is just you not trusting them, your insecurity, they have done nothing, as you've put it" is aggressive.

Good for you, I also had experience of this with SIL! Was he defensive or could he see your point? Did he make excuses? How did he make it clear he wasn’t interested and what was her response? What’s she like now?

Sorry for all the questions, but I can’t believe I tolerated what I did and wood take a very different approach now.

Well that is not related at all to what "jumped the shark" means, so there is that.

I’m glad someone else thought this 👀 sorry

It's possible it's only one sided/they are actually not even aware of it. So you might not have anything at all to worry about, even if you did previously.

I had this with a friend's DH - we started doing a hobby together and got on brilliantly well, I felt almost like I had met another brother.

I was completely oblivious to how it was coming across (because from my side I felt 100% platonic - no attraction whatsoever, literally never in a million years, so I didn't bother to temper my enthusiasm and excitement at our conversations as it never even crossed my mind that anyone would think it was not platonic). We basically happened to have this very unusual thing in common paired with an unusual sense of humour, which neither of us had encountered in many other people before.

Anyway when it was brought up, that his DW was upset and worried, I felt mortified and really awful that I'd caused that upset to her, and stepped away completely.

If me and her DH are ever together just us now (very very unusual, I avoid in general) I am VERY conscious of how weird it is that she thought there was attraction there. And I'm very careful not to become too jokey or too into the conversation.

So it might be that even if you had something to worry about before, you don't anymore.