Uncomfortable about husband and friend spending the weekend together

[Aliceintheattic]

Name change for obvious reasons.

So, I've been married for nearly 20 years. Two young teens.
Husband and I have very long term friends who are a couple. Really, I made a friend, and we dragged our husbands along. We've done a lot together.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Out kids are both into the same activity, and there's a event on this weekend. I have to visit a relative, so I'm not going. My husband and my friend are each taking the kids. They aren't travelling, but will be spending a big part of the weekend together. I'm not super comfortable with this, but really not sure how to approach it.

I think there's some very naive posters on this thread. Sometimes a spark is between two people. If their circumstances are such that this is inappropriate, then those two people should avoid being alone together or too much in each others company even in a group. People are fallible and human no matter how trustworthy they are perceived and this is basic common sense. The OP is not wrong to be concerned.

But that’s the whole point. You can’t lock people up in order for them not to cheat. If OPs husband and her friend wants to sleep together they will find a time and place to do so. Taking their kids to do their hobby is hardly going to be the time. Your marriage is already over if you have to put in such restrictions on your spouse in order for them not to stray.

I think sometimes people don't realise how close to the edge they are getting. The OP says she has had to call this out before and neither the husband or the friend should be meeting without her present, even in a fairly restrained capacity.

Yes, once people are having an affair they will find a way to do so, but the lead up to that situation can be a series of small steps that seem innocent on their own until they reach a critical point and the affair couple find it difficult to control themselves. Even people who think they have strong morals can get to this point via unwise decisions.

Exactly. It’s all very well to be the cool wife, but the vibe can tell you there’s more to it

Spidey senses are very helpful

This is what I'm worried about.

No one has done anything wrong, but I know them both really well, and I can tell when there's an attraction.

I don't want to create room for temptation.

This is it. It's really hard to explain. Just TOO happy about being with each other. Different to normal friendships.

Thank you for clarifying. So, as it turns out it is just you not trusting them, your insecurity, they have done nothing, as you've put it.

All of you jumping the shark - this is why it is worth finding out all the details before being super judgemental immediately.

Hmm. Not quite.

We've been married for a long time, so I can tell when he's turned on.

They did both shut it down when I told him how I felt, but I'm uncomfortable that it got so far that I had to do that.

Shutting it down doesn't mean that they aren't still attracted, hence the feeling of insecurity.

Just talk to him. Tell him you feel vulnerable and say that you know nothing actually happened but that the ‘vibe’ you witnessed is playing on your mind.

If he’s determined to cheat it might give him a pause, and if he had no plans to cheat it will put you front and centre of his mind if the opportunity arises as he can’t claim it came out of nowhere if you’ve warned him about it before he left. Hopefully he will be reassuring and keep in contact over the weekend to show you that he’s thinking of you.

Why not join them?

"I've been married to him long enough to know what is going on in his mind" is not the strongest of arguments, I hope you feel that. I believe you do, there is a reason you haven't lead with the details, and held them back until page 3. If someone is certain, or something unquestionable happened, that's the main punchline. But nothing happened, and you surely realise that. It goes hand-in-hand with 'trust your woman instincts love', and 'you just sense these things'.

You know, it doesn't mean you are not allowed to feel how you feel. You are entitled to your emotions, it's just not really fair to treat headcanons as facts when all we have is our guesses. As long as you communicate it, and don't shut off, it's ok.

Unless we are talking inappropriate topics and flirty things being said between them, it all falls a bit flat, and will remain mostly about you and what is in your own head. When you talked to your husband about it, did he acknowledge that he did something inappropriate, overstep, or was he confused about what you mean? (Same for your friend, she is also a participant in this scenario, what did she say?)

She did say in the original post that she has to travel, and cannot be there.

Ultimately you either trust him or you don’t and I feel you don’t from what you’ve said and men are animals as in….
if he wants to have an affair he absolutely will and whether he attends this weekend or not - where there’s a will there’s a way (his name isn’t will I meant that as a phrase 😂) but it’s your kids activity you can’t punish them for something that maybe has or hasn’t already happend - that would be ridiculous.

There must be more to this for you to feel so strongly about it. I’d leave the relatives place early and go and pay a surprise visit and check the reactions out myself!

I know. But, this sounds like a significant worry to me. Why put yourself through that when you could be there?

Would that solve the issue? It being a lack of trust. You can't follow a person everywhere they go. What if he's not going to work, but her place next week? What if he uses his lunch break to meet up with her? Why did he come home 45 minutes late yesterday? Did he actually go to the gym or to her house?

See the problem? There needs to be a trust between a couple. If there isn't, that's not great for the relationship and will eat away at it.

Yes, ofc I see the problem. But the OP is asking about the current situation. Ideally, they'd have sorted this all out already, but they haven't. Personally, if I was worrying and it was at all possible to be there, I would go. Hopefully, that will put her mind at rest. Or, she will at least know what she's dealing with. Either way, she can then take it from there.

I have been doing a lot more "being there" as a kind of re set. But I can't do that indefinitely, unless I cut the friendship and stop that particular activity, which is a big call when no one has actually done anything wrong.

How long are you going to wait for them to either choose that decision themselves which we all know won’t happen so you have to decide if you want to save your marriage and throw your friendship away? Because that’s the ultimate choice. Once he has an affair - even an emotional affair - your marriage is destroyed no matter how much you try to save it it never recovers and ultimately destroys you too. Believe me I’ve been there and got the t shirt and now going through the divorce

make it known now that your husband either chooses you or your friendship with this couple

You probably need to have an honest conversation with your DH

What were the actual behaviours that made you uncomfortable? I understand what you mean about vibes and intuition, but what was actually going on - touching each other? Making a beeline for the other one? Mentionitis? And when you spoke to them about it, what was the response - denial? Defensive? Surprised? How has it been with the woman since you spoke up - have you just continued the friendship like nothing happened? I just think if my friend flagged concerns about my behaviour around her husband, I'd be so mortified and hurt (or mortified and ashamed if she had a point) that I wouldn't be able to face her again! I certainly wouldn't be going away for the weekend with him.

It's hard to really give advice without knowing what's actually gone on, but if it got to the stage that you needed to speak to them (whether down to inappropriate behaviour from them, or because of your insecurities), I don't know how you can continue as couple friends going forwards.

Sometimes it's the innuendo, the glances laughing too much at someone's jokes

The fact that they both knew how to shut it down means they both know they were doing something inappropriate

Most people don't think their spouse will cheat on them but most guys will if they have the opportunity

Okay they find each other attractive - so what? I'm sure you find men other than your husband attractive, it doesn't mean you are going to sleep with them.

What bullshit.

I clocked what I felt was an uncomfortably close vibe between my friend’s ex husband and another friend… nothing you could specifically point to but just as the OP said, rather too pleased to be in each other’s company. Sure enough, they were having an affair.

My own ex, often got a bad feeling that he wasn’t being straight with me, odd little things like being out for longer than you’d expect for a shopping trip, evasive or would get oddly worked up when talking about money, again, nothing you could call a cold hard fact. Sure enough, he had a massive hidden spending addiction.

Didn’t feel comfortable about an old boss, not many interactions but never felt he was trustworthy - sure enough, ended up being convicted for fraud.

I’ve learned that “off vibes” should be paid very close attention to as I’ve previously dismissed them to my detriment. It’s actually far more automatic for women to talk themselves out of gut feelings rather than blow nothing up into a big deal.

Before you scoff “Well what about all the times you got bad vibes that went nowhere?” the answer is “Never.” If the OP previously trusted her husband and didn’t get bad vibes around other women, then the fact she gets them here is not something to be automatically dismissed.

I think u can absolutely vibe with someone and have animated conversations where u get so much out of it u feel alive, seen, heard, but that does not mean u will cheat. Definitely remind your husband u are nervous of them being together and then u have to trust him! Make sure u have lots of connection with him before the weekend. Good luck!