Uncomfortable about husband and friend spending the weekend together

[Aliceintheattic]

Name change for obvious reasons.

So, I've been married for nearly 20 years. Two young teens.
Husband and I have very long term friends who are a couple. Really, I made a friend, and we dragged our husbands along. We've done a lot together.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.

I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Out kids are both into the same activity, and there's a event on this weekend. I have to visit a relative, so I'm not going. My husband and my friend are each taking the kids. They aren't travelling, but will be spending a big part of the weekend together. I'm not super comfortable with this, but really not sure how to approach it.

I do think a lot of it is about my insecurity. They are both very honest people, to the point of obliviousness. I think they didn't really realise how over the top they were being until I pulled them up.

Over the top in what way?

Maybe gushing about something a bit too much? Or agreeing with everything the other said? Or a case of the mentionitus?

It's shit like this that puts me off close-couple-relationships. I hate it. It's OK to just say hi, and have a bit of a chat with people in the pub and chat for 5-10 minutes when you see people, but close couple relationships leave me cold. Socialising together all the time, in and out of each others houses, going away together, knowing each others business.... No. Had several such couple-relationships in the past and none of them ended well.

Both DH, and I avoid them like the plague now.

@Aliceintheattic are you going to explain what the actual issue is?

This is a lot of waffle in response to a a pretty innocuous post.

Most people don't get the feeling there's something going on with their spouse and close friend.

Fair enough. But none of us understand what you mean, really. You didn't say what made you feel uncomfortable, so everyone is just guessing and jumping into conclusions. Over the top how? laughing too much? Touching hands? talking too much about a shared hobby/interest? complimenting each others' looks?

I'm guessing they were enjoying being in each other's company rather too much.

As a bystander, you can see it a mile off.

I take it from your user name that you're male.
And giving us all a fantastic example of another man trying to belittle and play down a woman's intuition.

I would not like that @Aliceintheattic

Could one of them take all the dc? Or could the dad not go instead?

Im a believer in trusting your instincts on these things.

And out of the two of us, I am the one not making this about the gender. Because it has nothing to do with this. I am not belittling a women's intuition. I am just calling out when someone - man or woman - is jumping into conclusions without knowing the facts. Not you, or me know the full story, or what exactly happened that made OP uncomfortable. So it could be something warranted, or absolutely unreasonable, it could be either. I am just not delusional enough to think that my own intuitions are facts. I am really looking forward to OP actually saying what exactly happened...

You like your friend, you like your husband, it's not completely bonkers to think that they would like each other too. Doesn't mean they want to shag each other though. Sometimes you just really get along, and share sense of humour, with someone who is of the opposite sex. It would be completely unreasonable to ban your husband and child from going to your child's hobby just because you feel insecure. You can't micro manage the people around you to that level.

I rarely agree with men on here but in this case I do. Nothing tangible has happened. OP just has a feeling that borne out of her insecurity. In my experience, suspisions that stem from insecurity are rarely correct. Had my husband told me I am not allowed to take my child to their hobby because there is a man there, who he knows, that I get along with too I would have told him to get a grip.

They both know what they're doing

What happened to basic common sense? You know full well the intent of the message.

This, I'd have ended things there and then.

He gets on with you`re friend they click, she gets on with your husband, it dont mean they want to fuck.
Sorry op i just dont see the big issue.
Are you jealous that they get on more than you thought they would.

I agree with some of pps above that just because they like each other, does not mean they would stab you in the back and sleep together. I get on real well with my wife's friends, both childhood friends she grew up with, and the close friends from her work we often meet up with. We joke, we laugh, I like them as people. It would never cross my mind to sleep with any of them. Very simple.

Absolutely nobody said anything about flirting. OP needs to actually spell out what she means, because these are just guesses.

This.
It was the shared hobby taking kids away to participate that was the catalyst in the (later) ending of my marriage.
I too had been stern earlier about over familiarty that made me uncomfortable.
Now c we are divorced and she and her kids are living with him in our former marital home.

The OP felt invisible, if a so called friendship made me feel invisible,I would've ended things.

Not saying it is 100% on her, as just like everyone else - I also don't know the details. But maybe being invisible can also be on the person? Rather than the whole world around them? For example if OP would not have anything to add to the conversation, sitting still in silence, or just being boring and scrolling on he phone (not saying that is the case, just coining it as an option for us to consider - then she could still feel invisible, but we couldn't say it is on the other two people around her. Knowing the facts is the only key to forming opinion. Otherwise it's just guesswork.

About a year ago, the vibe between my husband and my friend got a bit too enthusiastic. Nothing concrete, but I really felt invisible.
I had to get pretty direct, and it stopped.

Sorry if I have missed something, but I assume you had a blunt conversation with DH/both of them about boundaries? As you said “it stopped” that does suggest that something, however minor, had started

So then it didn’t matter that you laid down the law. They still got together. If they want to be together they will, it’s irrelevant if they take their kids to their hobbies or not. If it’s got to the point that all they need is the opportunity, then the marriage is already over.

You've created a whole thing in your head. What advice are you hoping to get here? Tell DH he can't go is it, what kind of a controlling person would do that? If my dh told me what I could and couldn't do that would be the catalyst for ending our relationship. I can't imagine him telling me I cannot hang out with my friend. Sorry OP but there is nothing you can do. Maybe your instincts are right maybe they are not but either way there isn't a thing you can do without making a fool or yourself and damaging your relationships and friendships.