AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

I wouldn't go.

That is incredibly hurtful and sad. Is your Mum invited to the whole thing? What do your elder brothers think?

It seems that you have 2 choices. 1. Accept being hurt but keep the peace for fear of upsetting others, or 2. show how hurt you are by not going and risk wider family relationships.

You say you considered him your brother despite there being no blood relationship, but that doesn’t mean he felt the same way — you say you grew up together, but that was only because you shared a childcare setting. Are you close as adults?

Depends on the relationship a bit. What do you mean when you said 'their dad remarried'?

I’m confused by the relationships. Why did your mum look after her ex husband’s baby all week?

Plan something with your niece and have a fabulous day. It's clear he doesn't value the relationship/friendship as you do. The line has been clearly drawn. Evening invitations are always a bone of contention. Often for those people you don't really want but feel obligated to include.

He has shown you where you fit in his circle, withdraw from being too involved and concentrate nurturing those relationships where you are valued. Good luck.

Thank you. It is quite hurtful really to be disregarded.

Ive not spoken to the elder ones yet, but they are very insular together and tend to not rock the boat. They’ll likely dismiss it and just want to keep the peace. Or I’d end up feeling silly for being upset. We have a tricky family dynamic at the moment. Plus the last thing I want is to be invited after being upset (pride, embarrassment, bloody-mindedness 😂)
Mum is invited -I don’t know what ‘level’ her invitation is as I’d assumed we were all the same or even if she is officially invited or on the ‘turn up if you want to list’. She wouldn’t go anyway because she’s largely housebound now due to health problems and agoraphobia.

You’re right, I suppose I’ll have to show my face or risk wider fall outs. I might come down with a nasty bug that morning though 🤢😂

I thought so. We’ve been on holidays together. Our children are cousins. We all do Christmas things together. I would have thought we were closer than either of us are to our half siblings.

Their dad married someone else after splitting from our mum.

They were still very close, best friends despite the split. The arrangement worked for everyone.

How often do you see him now? Is he your half siblings, half sibling?

They won't mind if you don’t go, just plan something fun with your niece and if you are feeling petty, put the pictures on facebook.

No I wouldn’t bother.

We did say this 😂

Don’t go. What an insult.

Like everyone busy with work and with small children we don’t see each other that often but live close and send each other daft stuff a lot.
Yes he is. Which sounds distant but my children consider his mum an extra granny and he calls my mum his other mum. I grew up calling his dad uncle, he sadly died a few years ago.

I’m sorry he’s hurt you like this OP,
Are there strict number limits for church or venue I wonder? How big is the wedding?

Also, just something to consider…are you sure your children are actually invited to the evening part rather than just the adults?

There are often posts on MN where someone has assumed her children are invited to a family wedding only to later find out they’re not…

I wouldn't go. Yes it may cause a bit of a wave in the family dynamic, but he caused the wave by not inviting you! Such a shame, he's damaged such a lovely relationship

I think I'd explain how you said it here. You'd have been able to come to the day part but the night doesn't work with the kids routines so will have give it a miss but maybe offer to do a mini celebration after at a more convenient time.

It is distant but you all obviously had a close relationship, maybe not as close now everyone’s grown up and busy with life but you still have contact so I’d be really upset by not being invited.

Yeah I wouldn't bother going if I were you. Regardless if your blood relations, you grew up really close and it's hurtful. Yes, it's their wedding and their decision who they invite, it's also your decision to decide the fb event invite to reception isn't worth the expense and hassle.

That does sound incredibly hurtful OP, I am not sure I would go either but that would probably be the end of the relationship.

But your niece, the other person who grew up with you, has the same evening invitation.

Id agree with another poster, too — is it possible that the evening invitation is intended to make it easier to attend without your small children/baby?

Having read your further comments, in your shoes I would not attend. No drama, just be as casual as they have been with their 'Facebook invitation ' whatever that is. I have never heard of that for a wedding, presumably it is an open invitation, come if you want but we are not bothered if you don't.
Very rude and disrespectful towards you both. It is not for you to appease them by going to help them save face. If asked just tell truth, you weren't invited just saw the general invitation. Not suitable timing due to.children, their care, bedtimes etc. Plan a nice day with niece. I wouldn't have any more discussion, just say you are not going. If others try to pressure you that will be for their own benefit not yours.

I can’t work out the family dynamics. However , you’re hurt by not being invited to the whole thing and you consider him a brother , I wouldn’t go.