AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

I wouldn’t go either but I would talk to him and explain you’re hurt.

That's good that the arrangement worked for everyone, shows what a pleasant and understanding family you have and that family can stay friends no matter what.

As this arrangement of only going to the evening really means it will be a lot of effort, for want of a better word, on your behalf stay home and make beleive that all these years later your family will be just as understanding.

Sod that. I wouldn’t go.

So you think he should not have the wedding of his choice if he can’t afford to have everyone who has ever loved him at the wedding?

I find this so odd to be completely honest. Someone who has loved him all of his life surely should understand that he may be limited my venue numbers, money, a whole host of things. When I got married it was more than £50 a head for food, 30 for drinks, and then all of the extra stuff like seat covers, centre pieces etc for all of the additional tables (this was back in 2010 and not even at a really fancy place) - I imagine now that it would be 200 or more per person…a line has to be drawn somewhere, and an unrelated person may be that line.

you really should go and support him, is this the hill you want to die on? It could be the end of your relationship if you decide to pie it off.

I’d be really hurt OP. I’d think ok they’ve let me know were my position in the family is ( to them) and I would take that on board in the future. I’d phone the brother and make an obvious excuse not to come. Or just text with sorry can’t make it, have a lovely time. I’m like you.I hate occasions where people get left out or hurt.

Agree.

I wouldn’t go either. I’ve been invited to 2 evening dos only, one for a colleague so I went with a bunch of colleagues and our partners. The other time was when our friends got married. 2 hours away, middle of nowhere, children not welcome. I’m not going to go to all that effort for a tier 2 invitation so we declined. I’m the end someone else turned down their daytime invitation so we were upgraded.

I wouldn't go

I wouldn’t I’m too proud. I’d just tell him I wasn’t going or actually maybe I’d just decline the Facebook invitation and that would be that.If jor anyone else wants to lnow why they could ask me.

Did you go? I absolutely wouldn’t have gone as an afterthought!

I wouldn't go. If I'm not important enough for an invite to the ceremony I'd think my presence wouldn't be missed so I wouldn't put myself out.

When I read the title I thought "you nasty cow"

Read the actual post and absolutely you would not be wrong for not going

To be treated like a spare part and not even getting an invite just a note on a Facebook like some kind of after thought is rude and I'd not bother with them

Personally, I wouldn’t go. Not if your invite is more conditional than others. They wouldn’t get a present either.

Hi op don’t make the effort for the evening just message your brother say I’m sorry I got the invite wrong I totally misunderstood I was only planning on coming for ceremony and meal then I planned to get the kids home so please accept my apologies I won’t be coming in the evening I hope you understand. Then leave it to him. I’m not sure why he’s letting bridezilla dictate to him tbh that’s a divorce in the making. Go with your niece do a family thing don’t feel any guilt they have shown you how important you are to them. Actions speak louder than words.

Same here. Save the dates have only ever been for the all day affair. Evening affair has been without preceding save the date card.

I'd absolutely not go but plan a nice day out. They have told you what they think of you. Don't be arsey or make drama. It's very easy to blame children's bedtimes.

I think evening invites are a ploy to get more gifts without much hospitality.

like you say, people see things differently and it’s perfectly possible that he didn’t think inviting you to the fun party bit would be in any way hurtful. He probably thought he was going you a favour from the sounds of what you’ve written.

I have been on a lot of hen dos and not one has invited the groom’s side of the family.

If you really don’t want to go, then don’t. I think I would be sad if I didn’t make the effort to go, even if I wasn’t up for a party. I’m not a fan of the tit-for-tat attitude. But, as you say, we are all different.

We have an extended family member who believes he is closer to us than he actually is.

its tough - he is constantly disappointed that he isn’t included in close family stuff and frequently oversteps, making g people feel uncomfortable.

it recently came to a head when an aunt was taken into hospital and he tried to take over as next of kin. I had to explain her wasn’t her next of kin, he was her second cousin. He argued with the doctor he was like a son to both her and my mum. It all got very awkward.

You can’t force people to think of you in a certain way. I know it’s hard, but clearly while you think of this man as your little brother he doesn’t think of you the same way

I would never have trouble turning down a "second tier" wedding invitation. After all, the justification for it is that you aren't really close enough to go to the actual wedding, so it's no big deal if you don't go, surely.

I do realise that in your circumstance that reasoning is quite unexpected, and I'm sorry: you must feel hurt by it.

So for reasons unknown your DM took care of her ex-husband's child and her grand-daughter, your niece. I can see this looks like no relationship to some people and to others a close one. You share a niece and brothers. I think your 'not' brother is being odd - or maybe his fiancee thinks you are not a relative.
Do something else nice with your niece, who has been severely snubbed by her uncle and I am surprised her father has not said something about it.
NB Evening do probably means no small children, it will be dancing and alcohol.

I think you might need to reframe how you look at weddings. It is about the couple not the family, especially modern weddings. I think it's nice to see someone you love get married but your "not brother" obviously doesn't get that sentiment and things hes done his family duty inviting you to the knees up. You're not wrong to be hurt but it's also best to see that there are different perspectives.

I think (understandably) this feels very personal, but i really dont think it is a snub. Usually organising the wedding is the brides domain and they are trying yo not let costs getbout of hand. she is restricting numbers on his side to close relatives where strictly speaking you are a friend not a relative.

I wouldn’t go either. It might feel petty but I agree with you about not wanting to bother with the new clothes and arrangements for the sake of a night invitation

I'm also confused by the relationships. Is this man a blood relative or step brother. If you feel badly treated then don't go.

He isn’t a blood relative, a half or step relative.

If I have picked up OP correctly her mother was once married to his father many many years ago. They had two children together. After they divorced they stayed friends and OP’s mum did child minding for her ex husband’s new son. This little boy was a half brother to OP’s older siblings but no relation to her.