AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

Do something fun with your niece instead

Re the hen do, I had NO ONE from DH's side at my hen do. It was for ME and my friends. Never occured to me to invite random future relatives, it would have taken all the fun out of it.

But I would be offended at the lack of a proper invite and the evening only invite at that. Make excuses and don't go. So rude.

id have to say something.
along the lines of "I feel awkward turning up to the evening only when all our other siblings have been invited to the day. I hope you and X have an amazing day, and I'll send your card and gift over when we see you at Y / in the post etc. and hopefully we'll see you at Z event in Whatever month

Sack the whole thing off. It will be expensive and a pain and you'll arrive at a point when everyone else is in full swing. You'll have to seem delighted for them even though you didn't get to see them get married. It would fill me with hurt feelings. Send them a gift (if you want), but politely decline. Sorry they are twats!

she's not random tho is she, she's in ESSENCE a future SIL, the kids on both sides are related so at least the relationship is cousin level, they all socialise together. ok, you still don't have to invite anyone you don't want to, but you have to at least own "I don't like you enough" rather than "I don't know you"

I have noticed a trend of some of the groom’s female relations at hen do’s but traditionally it was bride’s friends and family only showing I wouldn’t be bothered about not being invited to that.

I wouldn’t take young children to an evening only invite, unless it was an evening only event. There will be people there that’ll have been drinking all day. I’d either go with my niece only or decline because it isn’t suitable for children.

That’s very shitty of him, I wouldn’t go personally

It annoys me when people feel entitled to go to someone’s wedding because they perceive themselves as being close. It’s like they have no idea of how much a wedding costs per head, and there is also the tables to consider, maybe inviting you and niece would make table numbers off so a new table is needed and there is yet more cost, then do they fill the extra table with more people or do they then spread others.

Go to the night event, it would be rude not to, and you said you see him like a brother so why wouldn’t you go? It’s their choice on who attends for the day vs the night, not yours…you only get to choose whether to go, but I think it would be mean spirited not to go.

No, you are absolutely wrong. I didn't KNOW my future sister in law like I knew my friends. I genuinely did like them and I loved my MIL too. But I wanted a lighthearted evening, not being worried about what future in laws thought about me!!

I wouldn’t be bothered by the lack of hen do invite, but yes the whole wedding evening invite through FB is strange and distasteful from someone who was so close to you growing up.
I wouldn’t go and let the chips fall as they may. I asked copilot for some polite responses “ Thanks so much for the invite. With it being an evening thing, it’s a bit too much hassle for us to get organised and travel over, so we’ll leave it. Have a wonderful wedding.”

I wouldn’t go.

He clearly doesn’t see your relationship in the same way you do.

Gosh, it’s funny how differently people perceive things.

I would consider it rude and hurtful to leave people out who have loved me all my life. I would never have anyone feel that way, so if I can’t afford (or just don’t want to spend) the money on that kind of wedding I’d have a big party style wedding in one place and make sure everyone had the same warm welcome and felt my appreciation for having them in my life.

I am completely confused by who is related to who.

He didn’t want to get married

Isn't this key to why you didn't get an invitation? He still doesn't want to get married. He might be embarrassed about it all. He's saving you money and effort by giving you the option not to go. They'll likely split up eventually. Have an honest in person chat with him.

I would feel a bit put out too. It’s not like you’re a long distant relative is it?! I personally wouldn’t go. It’s not worth it just for the evening. Plan something fun with your niece and send them a card with a cheque in it.

I wouldn’t go. I would call to tell him so tone isn’t misconstrued as can so easily be done via message, then follow up with a formal “no” rsvp and a small gift.

Op’s mum had 2 sons by her first husband. They split up and eventually both remarried. Op’s mum had op, and the exh (dad to op’s 2 much older half-brothers) had ‘little brother’, who is neither a step-brother nor a half-brother to op. He is the son of op’s mum’s exh and his 2nd wife. But….op’s mum and her exh still got on well, and his 3rd son was childminded long-term from a baby by op’s mum, so it felt like having a baby brother for op. Niece is the daughter of one of op’s half-brothers, and presumably saw a lot of grandma (op’s mum) and was a similar age, so that’s how they grew up together.

I wouldn't go . Just send a nice card .

Tbh @Sausagefeatures from what you've said, your bro could be plastered anyway by the time you get there, & not notice if you're there or not..
I also agree that your future sis in law might not have realised that you ARE an important relative?
Having said the above, I wouldn't be going. All that expense & maybe people in little cliques, absolutely not, although I will say I'm somewhat introverted & hate weddings!
I didn't get an invite to my cousin's son's posh wedding, & there's only me, my sibling, uncle & another cousin left.. didn't bother sending a Christmas card, but they probably didn't notice!

Thank goodness my now DIL didn't think that when she invited me to her hen do!

I get the family dynamics completely. I have a half sibling of a half sibling and an closer t them than some blood relatives. Obviously as adults, life gets busy but growing up so close means a lot. Unless the wedding is very small, immediate family only then you're right to be hurt. Even then I'd consider a sister (which is what you are) as immediate family.

Rather than let it fester, I'd have a conversation with your brother. Ask who is going to the wedding and tell him straight that you feel hurt by his actions. I'd then take a big step back from the relationship as he clearly no longer values it as much as you. Sad but protect your self.

Well no - if I understand the post, he is the son of her half siblings’ father so she knew him growing up but there’s no blood or legal connection.

Nor me.

It's a kick in the teeth.
Make your point by not going and do something nice of your choice instead.

X

I would be upset by this.
I wouldn’t go.
I would also be reassessing my relationship with them moving forwards.
Sorry you are being treated this way. It’s unkind and unnecessary.

Definitely wouldn't go.