AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

Is it a small wedding with the closest relatives coming in the day and the rest for the evening?
you don’t appear to be the only relative excluded so maybe it’s just due to that.
it must be upsetting if you thought you’d be all day though.
As I always say, it’s their wedding so they can invite whoever they want but they have to understand that some will be upset, angry and hurt at this sort of decision.
do what makes you happy OP.

I definitly wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t care if it upset people. Your brother should’ve thought of that

It feels almost deliberately hurtful. I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t soften it either. This is on him.

You don’t have to go if it’s too much hassle for little gain - especially with kids an evening do is not great

He shouldn’t have included you and your niece in the “save the date” message unless he was going to invite you.

I would send him a message saying that you would have loved to celebrate his wedding with him but sadly can't come to the evening do, due to childcare issues. And you understand numbers are limited for the daytime celebration so you wish him the best.

This might not necessarily be down to him (in my experience a lot of blokes wash their hands of all the wedding preparation shenanigans), it could all be the bride-to-be, especially if she's managed to invite a load of her friends but not all her fiance's family.

But I don’t think most people assume that a Save the Date implies an all-day invitation. Generally those go out really early, before the people getting married have got into the nitty-gritty of the guest list, far less who might be all day vs evening-only.

as distant as your blood relationship is, you obviously grew up close and have continued to behave as ‘family’ ever since.

its not surprising that you’re incredibly hurt.

if it were me, I’d swallow my pride and go to the evening to wish them well. But I’d equally respect you if you decided not to go.

how sad that he’s potentially spoilt a lovely family dynamic that has been built on love as much as blood.

I think people do assume that 🤔
I would.

Me too

Is it someone you see a lot of? If not I wouldn’t be offended. I like evening only invitations, the evening bit is the fun bit and you get to avoid all the standing waiting around and speeches etc.
Also for an evening only invite you’d only have to give a small gift. It’s a win win IMO.
Only you know how close you are with him. But if you don’t want to go that’s completely valid and you should do whatever you want.

I wouldn't go. But I think I won't go to any more evening only invitations. I just think they are stupid.

I’ve certainly had Save the Dates where it was an evening invitation, or once or twice, an apologetic/panicked phone call to say they’d miscalculated venue/numbers/ presence of Great Auntie So and So, who was expected to have died but hadn’t or whatever. I mean, I’m not terribly bothered, either way. I will generally attend if invited, but I’m not looking for reasons to take offence if I’m not.

ETA And I also remember posts on here where people had been sent a Save the Dates and were invited for the evening only.

I wouldn't go either. You don't have to worry about hurting the feelings of people who didn't worry about hurting yours.

If asked, I'd be honest - it's too much hassle and expense to go to for people who don't consider you important enough to attend the actually wedding.

If the Marriage ceremony is in a church it is public and anyone can go. Other venues I am not certain.

Unfortunately
When someone show you who they are listen.
I think he does considered you famliy anymore.
So you need to stop acting like they are .
And move on.
You and niece still considered your self family so go on with that relationship.

Move on from everything else .

It was incredibly kind of your mum to do this. I can't imagine doing regular child care for an ex-husband's child. It does sound as though all the help and support went one way, from your mum's household to her ex-husband's household.

I think it was thoughtless at best and quite rude and ungrateful at worst to exclude you from the full day. I would decline the evening invitation.

Fuck, that’s cruel. I’d be really upset. A evening invitation only? Ooft. Ouch. Don’t go.

Agree! Was going to say the same thing! It's always the bride in my experience. Although that's partly the groom's fault for not being more involved and putting his foot down!

I would echo the pp who said to check if your DC are actually invited to the evening do because I think that would be quite unusual. I am not offended by an evening invitation but I can see, in your situation, you feel you have a close relationship. I think evening invitations are for work colleagues, sports team friends etc. I don't think anyone (groom, bride or wider family) should be upset if you turn down an evening invitation, you're just matching their casual attitude.

This. There is no way in hell I would go.

And if he asks tell him the truth.

It’s incredibly cruel of him.

Surely “save the dates” are for people you really really want to come, you want them to come so much that you give them a year’s notice. If you don’t invite them to the day, that implies you don’t really really want them to come, you just want them to come.
i appreciate that the couple can only invite the number of people they can afford to invite, but if they have a date booked, they have a venue booked, so surely know how many people they can afford to invite to that venue?

Sometimes weddings get trapped in a ‘fair to both sides’ situation. DBil felt that if Sis’s aunts were invited, his had to be. We had three couples on our side of the family. Both his parents had ten siblings each. So 20 couples on that side.

It’s possible that as you are an honorary relation rather than an actual relation, you were relegated to ‘not family’. Which is crap, but not personal.

It’s really hurtful though, and hard to believe they didn’t realise.