AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

If the bride is the one pushing for the wedding and potentially doing all the legwork, she may not understand the family dynamics and he may just be keeping out of it, if he didn’t even want a wedding.

Could you and your niece just go without partner/kids for a couple of hours in the evening and then go do your own thing?

On hen dos - my brother got married last year, my mum and I were both invited to the hen and men on the bride’s side were invited to the stag.

I would be horribly hurt and I would go and be nice. I was devastated by some choices my sibling made in relation to their wedding but I let it go. They had no idea and were just being daft not intentionally hurtful. Focus on the big picture and ongoing relationships.

I have a similar family set up, OP, and understand second families who aren't actually blood relatives viewing one another as siblings. Even at a very small wedding, all have been included.

I wouldn't go in this situation and I don't even think I'd be inclined to respond to such a casual invitation.

Hen parties - I wasn't invited to my SIL's on DH's side but was invited to both my SIL's on my side. There's no hard and fast rule but it is indicative of the bride's attitude towards you I think.

This. The groom ought to have worked this out and protected a childhood relationship. As ever the man gets excused and the woman is told to overlook it, put herself out and 'be kind'

I wouldn't go myself. The expense and logistics aren't worth it and I wouldn't feel I need to make the effort if just invited to the after party. I'm clearly not that important to have there if that's all they feel they need to invite me to.

I’m not denying it’s sad to discover you’re less important to someone than they are to you. But if the OP values the relationship as she says, surely it’s worth nurturing, whether or not the groom regards her reciprocally as his ‘big sister’? The logic of ‘This man is my brother!’, ‘Oh, he didn’t invite me to all of his wedding!’, ‘I will now not attend any of the wedding, and cause a permanent breach!’ makes no sense to me. If the OP has young children and a challenging baby and would have had to buy new outfits all round, far easier to just go to the evening part herself.

I’d be really hurt by that too. It’s not practical to take the children just to the evening do, so you and the niece should either go together without any children, or just do your own thing together instead.

It takes two people to nurture a relationship though @ScallopShelled
If the party was around the corner and it was no bother to attend, then she could pop by. By if it's difficult to get there and expensive, the fact that she isn't valued enough by the groom for him to invite her to the actual wedding, means that it's not worth making tons of effort for.
I don't think it will cause a massive falling out - she just needs to politely say it's not possible due to kids/logistics and she hopes they have a nice day. What can the groom say? He didn't even properly invite her to the evening do.
It's just making a reciprocal amount of effort, not causing a massive row.

Yes thank you that’s how it feels. Even if it had been in their nearest town I wouldn’t really have thought anything of it but since it was in mine and I didn’t even cross her mind, it does show where I stand.

the dynamic situation is actually on the other side so can’t have impacted this decision 😂 I just wonder if I’m already feeling a bit sensitive so have read too much into it.

No he’s often referred to me or introduced me as his sister or ‘not sister sister’. We always make daft jokes about explaining the relationship to people since they find it so confusing.
Regarding not seeing each other often, we joke about that too and he’ll talk about wanting to see more of his “actual family” definitely referring to us in the context of the conversation.

A close friend of mine did similar, I was invited to the church and the evening do , not the wedding breakfast. I went but afterwards regretted and wished I didn't bother.
This is truly insulting, I wouldn't go if I were you.

Then maybe it's worth having g a conversation directly with him about this, rather than let it fester. You don't really have anything to lose at this point because the damage is done. Take the bride out of the equation and just talk to him.
Try to keep it non accusatory (he'll be on the defensive if you criticise the bride). Tbh it sounds like his marriage has the potential to go pear shaped in the long run if he's only doing it because she's threatened to leave him if he doesn't, and he's shown no interest in it!

That all sounds very hurtful.

Are the older brothers any blood connection? Has he delineated invitations to a small guest list by blood?

No matter - it could be an explanation but it doesn't make it less hurtful.

Hold your dignity - say 'oh, didn't appreciate the timings - the evening doesn't work for me + baby so need to send our apologies, but have a wonderful time, lots of love XXX', send lovely Congrats card and a modest present.

And have a lovely fun day out instead.

I was the only cousin at a wedding yesterday - the others all sent apologies (mainly due to childcare) and no-one was offended. Enjoy a day with niece and your children and raise a glass to the happy couple from your picnic. Money saved on new clothes can make up their small wedding gift.

Nah, money saved on new outfits is money I could spend on stuff for my own family/fun. I wouldn't buy a wedding present in those circumstances.

I’d be hurt by this it’s like you are not quite good enough to be considered close family.
i also wouldn’t want to go to a evening do with young kids. I’d probably get a babysitter and go for a few hours. Evening guests don’t typically get dressed up like day guests so you could potentially get away with something simple to wear. I tend to gift £30 for a evening invite but would give more if invited for the whole day

I don’t think the children factor into the decision because all their friends have small children and I know at least some of them are all going to the whole day. The invitations shared on Facebook have the children and toddler’s names on so it’s definitely very child and baby friendly.

I think, knowing him as I do, firstly how tight he is with money (it’s a running family joke, he won’t buy drinks or gifts or anything), and secondly how much he likes drinking, that he only really wants the party and is trying to keep the costs as low as possible so he’s invited the people he feels obliged by blood to invite (although there do seem to be some he’s left out on his dads side that might be put out). I think in his mind, the party is the proper bit. She’s got friends she wants there so they’ve taken priority. It’s not her fault that he hasn’t made clear who is important to him. She also could have been less thoughtless.

To be honest I wouldn’t have been bothered by any reason, if they’d talked to me. Or sent an evening invitation instead of a silly Facebook group. It’s the lack of any kind of thought that isn’t nice and that in effect, I’ve been downgraded from sibling to acquaintance.

Thank you for all the advice, I’ll mull it all over.
I’m leaning towards a polite explanation and decline, no hard feelings and no rifts caused.

Considering you've been in his life all that time, your mum looked after him when he was little. I would be extremely pissed that I was not invited to the main event and would not be going just for the evening.

The evening event is for co-workers and neighbours.

He’s no relation to you so just step away

OP this is really hurtful - why not speak to your brother? You sound really rational and measured, I know there is wider family stuff but why not give him a call 'Hey, I'm not trying to influence or change your decision but I am trying to understand it. I've always thought and loved you like a full sibling. Receiving an evening invite when the others are part of the whole day makes me realise you see me differently. To be honest I'm hurt & I'd love to hear your perspective...'

Break the silence, share your feelings and hear what he has to say!

He’s not her sibling though, regardless of how she may feel about him. They aren’t related

Sorry I wouldn’t read into hen do too much. Some people do invite groom’s side if they want to but it is not a breach of etiquette if they don’t. Hen do is normally bride’s side only.

I’m leaning towards a polite explanation and decline, no hard feelings and no rifts caused.

Good decision. Hell would freeze over before I would go to this.