AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

[Sausagefeatures]

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

Thanks. I can see why it's hurtful if they were once very close.

OP, just out of nosiness, how far away is the wedding being held? Is it somewhere local or is it miles away/long journey?

Maybe he has invited the closest of both their families. Weddings are expensive and can't keep everyone happy. Id just go, if you were that close you would have been invited. Its a night out.

Yeah I’m sorry it sounds like he doesn’t consider you a sibling. That’s hurtful.

You don't leave one sibling out, that's really strange. I wouldn't go at all.

I don’t agree with most of the posters on here OP.

It sounds as if you are still quite close and I think this would permanently affect your relationship, so I wonder if it isn’t fairest to give him a chance to fix this? You know him best- is he likely to say at some point in future ‘then why didn’t you tell me you felt like that Sausage? I’d have done something different’ Or will he always just a shrug and ‘it wasn’t important to me, it shouldn’t be to you’?

I think you should message him an ‘oi, little brother, thanks for the eve invite, but I’d much prefer the wedding day to see you get married and hear the speeches if I can. . Any way I can be part of the day instead? Maybe the ceremony, if not the wedding meal?’ And offer for it to be just you not your kids, if possible. If he says regretfully no, then you’ve tried and can send card and best wishes. But I wouldn’t join an evening do only for family, nope.

I wouldn't go, op. Especially if you didn't get a specific invite in post or anything. You don't need to send them a gift either.

That's strange. All hen parties I've been to the mother of the groom/his sisters etc. were there. I thought that was the norm.

Either welcome somebody and their family or don't bloody bother.

I hate this " two teir " thing

No bride or groom should be offended if someone does or doesn't accept an evening invitation. If they really wanted you there they'd have invited you. Do something else instead if you prefer.

I had none of my husbands family at my hen so wouldn’t read too much into that.

Could you and your niece go without any kids and have a fun night out?

If he is the one who has done something wrong, why are you the one who had to keep the peace?

Just don’t go. It’s not up to you to keep a tricky family dynamic if you had no part in creating it.

I wouldn’t be offended by the hen do, I didn’t invite DH’s family to mine, but I’d speak to little brother and say that you were a bit confused not to receive an invite to the actual wedding after being sent to save the date message and ask if it’s down to numbers, not being a blood relative or if it’s something else. I’d then make a decision based on his response.

We didn’t have an ‘evening do’ when we got married back in the 90s. We had the ceremony, then a reception, and that was it! Everyone came to all of it, so no ‘2 tier’ difficulties, but on reflection, they may well have been seething when we buggered off on our honeymoon at about 6pm and left them to their own devices! Especially as some had travelled from Scotland (this was in southern England)! Never entered my head to prolong the festivities, I’m afraid. Now feeling quite guilty, in retrospect.

that's called bad advice OP, don't take it.

i had this exact scenario play out - half / step sibling who I had spent a fair amount of time with growing up didn’t invite me to the day part of his wedding. I was 4 weeks post c section and breastfeeding and the evening venue didn’t allow babes in arms.

I never spoke to him again. No regrets. He also never got in touch to say sorry.

I would be honest with DB and tell him why you aren't going. You can then flush out if it has been a deliberate choice or thoughtlessness. Based on that information I would decide on the level of contact after that. Don't be tempted to lie op. Nothing can be gained from creating an elephant in the room type of situation, he is an adult and can feel the full consequences of his decisions.

This seems a good idea! Polite with a very good reason for missing the evening do.

Out of interest was it a step or half sibling?

While every family is of course different - in my experience when families grow up half sibling links are much stronger than step siblings.