Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

But all this is what you have made up in your head, other people have their own life with their own things going on

And yes in an ideal world everything would be exactly the way we think it should be but life ia not ideal

Do your parents both work? When you say you thought they’d be with you “all the time” what did you mean, as I’m sure you don’t mean that literally.

How does their lack of interest manifest?

Well ultimately if you aren’t emotionally close to them I don’t know why you would expect them to be excited to go to soft play with a baby!
Are you annoyed they don’t take the baby to soft play on their own? Or they aren’t suggesting it?

Why did you think yoir family would be with you all the time and helping put all the time?

When ours were born, DS, my DH was off for the firsr few days to help, my mum came for the next week when I was recoverimg feom the borth and lookomg adyer the baby. She got some groceries, did some laundry, cooked dinner.

When dd was born MIL stayed until she was 8 days old.

All other times, when family visit, they are our guests - perhaps took the DC to the park.

DS and DIL had a baby about two months ago. They are on another continent. We are visitimg for three weeks in October, staying at an hotel. We will look after the baby a bit to give them some time. DIL's mum went out for the first month to help out a bit get under their feet.

There is no expectation, ever, for families to pick up the graft in my world. Mainly because young people are capable and independent. They are family, grandparents, they have some fun with theic GC, from time to time.

How old is your baby?
I think you have unrealistic expectations of your parents.

Most people hate soft play, for good reason.

What they "should be doing" ! Err, there isn't a book of rules as far as I know.

Obviously your baby is the centre of your world but other people have their own lives and you can't expect them to drop everything for you. It sounds like you see them regularly so that's healthy, but this is your baby and it is up to you to drive things. You are the parent in charge.

What they should be doing.... The entitlement is high here.

Instead focus on building your own world.

I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected

But there is no expectation or a way of things being done. You seem to have had an idea in your head of how you thought things would be. Doesn’t sound like anything was discussed and planned in advance.

Even then people have their own lives, and they can’t focus their lives around you and your child. My parents are heavily involved but I’m always cautious to not ask for too much from them so that the support and time they give is enjoyable for them rather than a burden.

How often are you seeing them?

As much as I’m sure your family love your baby, it’s unrealistic to expect that they are involved to this degree, helping out all the time etc. ultimately they’ve done their child rearing and probably don’t want the pressure of having to be constantly involved. I know I wouldn’t!

Did you tell them you wanted to be ‘in a bubble with baby so no visitors’ like is really popular on social media? Maybe you upset them with keeping them at arms length and now you want interaction they don’t have any inclination?

My sister in law did this. No visitors for 10 weeks and now no one wants to see them after a she’s deemed us acceptable now

The fact you thought any adult would be excited about going to soft play is quite telling. You are being very unreasonable.

10 weeks has to be some sort of record, I don't blame you for not bothering now

Sorry reality hasn't lived up to your expectations OP. Regardless of the hows and whys, it's sad when that happens.

My nephew became a dad earlier this year. We're close in age, spent a lot of time together growing up, I've always viewed him more like a brother. Sent them a card and gifts, have checked in on them loads as having your first baby is quite the gear change. Unfortunately I haven't made it to see them as they're 6 hours away and I've been really quite poorly with my own pregnancy so unable to travel far. My baby was born almost 3 weeks ago and I've not even heard from him. He also missed/didn't mention my daughters birthday a few months ago.

So I understand a bit when you have hopes/assumptions of your relationship with people and then they don't seem to feel the same. However you justify it (they're working, busy with their own family, etc etc) it can still feel hurtful and disappointing.

moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help

I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected

Did you ever discuss with your parents that you expected them to help? Did they ever agree with your expectation on them?

I understand op as we moved across the road from my mum 3 years ago after having our 2nd and then when we do move she makes it clear her time is her own and she will only give us X amount of time in a week which are times that do not really benefit us that much. Really surprised me. Family can be terrible and selfish.

Your expectations didn't match reality. It's fine. It's OK to feel sad about it, you can request help if you need it.

Does anyone in the family have similar aged DC? You're more likely to get traction on doing things together from them.

I'm sure your family (at least some of them) are interested, but not wanting the involvement you had hoped. Get out to baby groups and meet other mums.

Your situation sounds fairly typical.

When I had DS I joined every single baby group, toddler group and pre-school group
imaginable. I met loads of people in similar situations with same age children. I ended up creating a wonderful new social network for us all.

We also joined a swimming club from baby stage, and then toddler football groups and this year all stars cricket. Do all that and you’ll meet way more new friends than you’ll ever need.

My parents and PIL live local but aren’t very involved at all and as older parents we don’t have any friends or family with similar age children so it was an absolute godsend to us to find new people in the same position as we were.

You have to put the effort in though, it won’t just fall into your lap. However once you’ve taken the initial leap you’ll find that everything soon falls into place.

DS has just finished Reception so this is our first 6 week summer holiday to navigate. I’m already having to knock back some invites as our diary is full until September and that is entirely due to people we met since DS was born.

It's hard isn't it.
When you live further away you almost see more of family than when you live closer.

Visits are planned and are for longer. A loose itinerary is planned and everyone knows the expectation.

When you live nearer it's easier to think yes we will meet later in the week or next week etc but plans can get in the way.

Build your own network of friends by going to baby groups etc. Your parents should be a nice addition to your life as a mum and not the entirety.

Good luck
X

If you’re not prepared to communicate what you would like to your parents and have a conversation about it, nothing will change. It’s a bit childish TBH.

How do you deal with other situations where something isn’t going how you’d like it to or you’re disappointed?

I think you might have had unrealistic expectations tbh. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone to be excited about going to soft play or the park. It’s not enjoyable for adults.

Are these working age adults?

So you say you see them regularly, but you're the one driving the interactions.

That's normal, surely? This is YOUR baby, not theirs. If you are going to the park or soft play or out for a coffee surely you just drop them a message letting them know what you're up to and if they're free maybe they'd like to join you?

I think your expectations are quite unrealistic here - you say "the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality."

They have their own lives, maybe they're still working? Why would they be with you all the time, helping out? I think as a new mum you should build your own circle, make mum friends to do the park and soft play thing with. Parenting is the job of you and your partner.

it may not be enjoyable for adults but why do these adults not enjoy the seeing grandchild happy part and the, you know... spending time together part. I will never understand it. Family is life! What else is there that is more important? Family should always come first (in normal situations of course, I know some mothers / fathers are horrible people)

Some new mums want family to fuck off do they can bond with their baby.

some new mums want their family around them helping.

the only way your parents can tell what YOU want is if you tell them.

Well yes, her time is her own. And if she’s already seeing dgc a few times a week you’re pretty bloody lucky!

I think your expectations are a bit off, especially if you hadn’t discussed them with your parents before you moved. Has your parents ever expressed that they would help out?