Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

Sorry, OP, but that's just you. I am a pretty hands off grandparent and I wouldn't enjoy a cafe that also involved small DC in soft play or something, where you have to keep an eye on them all the time. I want to go somewhere I am interested in. I did play parks, water parks, farm parks etc when I had small children. I enjoyed it because they did but I don't want to do it again - possibly your parents are the same and very likely have other interests that they spend their time on.
Pop round once a week would be my idea. My DiL has the DGC every week (my DGGC) but she likes small DC.

@Surf1234 how often do you see them?

Did you have a conversation with your family before you moved, because your expectations of them seem like it would be warranted.

It is tough for you, but really babies are very boring and a day out isn't a proper day out with a baby.
You need to make friends with other mums with young kids which will happen when your lo starts nursery or school.

If you're as rude to your family as you're being to posters on here, I'm not surprised they don't pop in much...

Completely wrong on your guesses. But then, good judgement of a situation doesn’t seem to be your super power. 😁

I think the rudeness is warranted. I came here looking for advice from other mums in similar situations, thinking maybe whilst the baby naps I'll try and share my feelings online, see if it helps... Boy was I wrong.

I do not think I am entitled for thinking my parents would enjoy time with their grandchild, regardless of where that might be or what it is doing. I also do not think it is crazy to say that I thought people would offer to visit me, instead of me traipsing about everywhere.

Well you must be bored with nothing better to do then. Why don't you comment on things where you can bring a more positive attitude rather than wasting your afternoon talking to me :)

Why not see if you can pick a day of the week with your parents and keep that day as your day together to do something each week?

Your coming off a bit much, maybe it’s the hormones. Find your own mum friends, expand your horizons. Count yourself lucky your parents are alive and well, not all of us get that and have that

Cheers for the advice guys! Feeling super positive and baby has woken from his nap so I'm ready to face the day again.

I shall delete this thread as has given me all the support I need. Hope some of you manage to find another thread to express your disdain and general hate for life on.

I cannot understand the hostility on here, so many of you are behaving horribly by making the worst possible interpretation of the poster’s words and accusing her of lying and changing her story when she tries to explain further. She posted a perfectly reasonable sadness and made herself emotionally vulnerable to us - and she has a baby.

Some of you people are really grim and I hope you behave better in real life.

I’m not sure how you think other people should know about the scenarios you’ve made up in your head. You either need to have an honest conversation with them or just get on with it. To be honest the idea of taking someone else’s child to soft play sounds like hell on earth! Do they still work? Did they say move closer so we can help out/do lots together or are you presuming they want to do this?

Are the grandparents in your family now complaining that their grandchildren aren't bothered about seeing them or do they accept that they aren't close because they didn't bother to form those close relationships when their grandchildren were young?

I feel like this is the modern way of grandparents if i'm honest. You will be hounded on here for the audacity of hoping your parents wanted a close relationship with their grandchildren (or to think they would want to support their child). My parents are the same :(

Oh come on, that is a bit mean! She is a new Mum who, not totally unexpectedly, had hoped her parents would be more interested in her child than they are.

Rightly or wrongly that is sort of a traditional societal expectation and so the OP isn't grasping at straws, she is disappointed and is doubting her parents perception of the value of their relationship and that has to hurt.

She doesn't need annihilating, constructive help is what she is after.

OP - Communication is the key here, there doesn't seem to have been any, so take it easy OP and start speaking to your parents on your hopes and wishes but understand they don't have to be picture perfect and traditional grand parents, they have their own minds so don't come off as entitled.

I think you have expressed quite nicely that you are disappointed that perhaps you thought the relationship was deeper than it now seems but maybe you just need to talk and see if that is the truth or whether they are just scared about the change - you don't say why they don't work?

Did I see that your family don’t even invite you round for a meal once in a while? Is it always you doing the inviting?

I think people have become focused on the ‘expecting family to join in with baby activities when they might not want to’ aspect, when the big picture is that you’ve moved closer to family with the reasonable expectation that you’ll see them a bit more, and a bit more informally, than when you lived further away, and now you’re there they don’t seem as interested in doing that as you are. I’d find that confusing and disappointing too. Sorry OP.

Lol! Some posters have been really rude to OP so I'm not surprised that OP has bitten back.

You've set your self up for disappointment with unrealistic expectations, including the expectation that everyone reads your mind and knows what you expect.
I'm not even excited to take my own child to the park or soft play, never mind anyone else's.

I've just noticed that this post is on the Parenting board. I'd assumed it was on AIBU as the responses are so 'robust', aka patronising, unkind and rude. No wonder OP has left her own thread.

There have been some really harsh posts on here - MN is becoming more of a cesspit with every year that passes.

I always find it very telling how OPs respond to posters who don’t agree with them, if you take a similar approach with your family it may go some way to explaining what is happening.

But as I said, rather than basing relationships upon what you can gain from them, focus on the person in front of you as they are, and try and develop a genuine, natural bond with them instead. And then the other stuff might fall into place.

And I don’t actually have children, and my family members and friends that do have children have never expected me to provide childcare or spend our time together doing child-focused activities. I imagine because they want to see me because they enjoy my company, and not because I can provide childcare.

Blimey, have you actually read that back to yourself? Family can be “terrible and selfish” because the times they are available don’t benefit you…..?

It’s a bit of a delicate balance as a grandparent. Of course most grandparents want to see their grandchildren, but they don’t want to insist or impose. I didn’t anyway. I would wait to be asked and always loved to see them. Maybe that’s how your family is feeling OP.

What do you mean you don't trust anyone? Could this be a factor in the way your parents' react with you?

Agreed. A lot of people, even grandparents, find baby and childcare boring and stressful