Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

Maybe OP’s parents will do more when the baby is older. OP says she hasn’t felt able to leave the baby for more than an hour so maybe they are taking lead from her to suggest things as don’t want to add to her nervousness round the baby

It’s not outlandish at all, in the real world this is the norm for most people (myself included). My parents aren’t doing regular childcare but they’re very much a part of our everyday lives, as are our wider family, which is the same for the majority of my friends. It’s really only on here I see this attitude that your a horrible selfish parent to expect that your family show an interest in your children

Every other thread seems to go like this now, I've only read the OP's posts and I don't understand it either.

Like a lot of people Op you moved away for work/Uni/for your partner, that's fine but it does separate you from your family so they get on with their own lives, if you're living at a distance for years they're not sitting around waiting for you to move back.You admit you came back because of the baby, not because you missed your family, yet you're surprised you don't seem as close as you thought?

It's not that complicated. You can't control other people's behaviour. When you haven't even communicated what you would like them to do, going on the internet to whine about what they 'should' be doing is pointless and self-indulgent. Like a lot of threads on here, this situation could be solved by the OP (1) dropping the idea that people 'should' be doing something for her, and (2) communicating clearly what she would like them to do.

I think you’ve had a hard time here, OP and I think I know what you’re trying to say. I know people that have felt the same as you and have felt sad that the relationship they hoped they would have as a multigenerational extended family hasn’t materialised.
its not about the childcare but it’s about the perceived lack of interest. Now I know that no one has to be interested in your children but it’s sad when relatives are so disinterested. A couple of them did mention it to relatives and in all cases the relatives wouldn’t have it. I would imagine you will need to adjust your expectations accordingly but maintain the invites etc.

My child's polish grandparents moved closer to us. My son stays over regularly at the weekends. Has his own room at their house. Loves being there.

Meanwhile the British grandparents see him 3/4 times a year for two hours.

Coming from the other side of the fence I was very excited to become a gm and thought I'd be more involved with them. I work part time and I can be flexible. I've always had a good relationship with my older 2 dd. Anyway dd2 and her dh both took 6 months maternity/paternity leave and wanted their own little bubble (just after covid), travelled a lot and it was obvious I wasn't going to be called upon to look after dgc. Dd1 had a gorgeous baby a couple of years later and she has definitely kept me involved though she lives much further away. The past year dd2, since she had her second I have looked after them more but it is difficult as each time I have to relearn them. I do let both of them do the contact as they know their dcs' routine and I wouldn't want to call at an awkward time.

I had very involved grandparents and would spend lots of time with them. Thinking I could replicate this I was excited to have gc in the beginning but as the years have passed and divorces and new families and step gc have come along I now need over 3 hands to count them all.
I don't provide any childcare, if thats whats ‘expected’ of me, tough, I cant show favouritism by doing it for one and not another. We both still work fulltime and spending a day off at soft play would be hell on earth for me.
It is what it is, families are all different.

When I was pregnant someone told me “all the help you think you’re gunna get doesn’t happen” and it’s true, in fact you feel bad asking. My parents are great with my daughter and very willing but even they are not to the level I “imagined” you are probably getting more than most- some of my friends parents do very very little. don’t let it get you down it seems to be a generational thing - I feel the next lot of grandparents Won’t be like this and be very willing and less “it’s my time now” as we will realise what we went through.

I assume many people will still be working when the next generation of grandchildren arrive or too old to be too involved depending on what age adult DC have their babies.

I do feel for you, OP.

My husband and I showed much interest in neices and nephews and when our own children came along this interest and enthusiasm was not reciprocated.

It's disappointing.

But also, I think it would be helpful if you challenge the disappointment and reframe it.

You're excited about your baby and that's how it should be. Aside from my own enjoyment of my own children, I have genuinely loved the excitement and love that my parents have for them and love seeing their relationships grow.

It is a relationship which I feel is different from what I had imagined but it's still beautiful and belongs to them- not me.

My advice would be to concentrate on your relationships with baby and your social circle with baby.

Always ask for help from family, but don't expect it. Relationships will grow, you'll find your village and it will be beautiful- even if it's not how you first imagined it to be.

Have you found mum and baby groups? There will be lots advertising now ready for September, maybe some running in the holidays still.

🙂

I know you want them to form bonds organically, but sometimes you have to spell out what you'd like. They may not want to visit several times a week but if you asked them to join you on a park trip would they come?

Not sure how old your DS is, but sometimes bonds form with grandparents a bit later on, many don't want to overstep or want to preserve healthy boundaries.

You've said you feel lonely and isolated. I think it would be a positive if you try reaching out to other mums at groups or through apps. It may feel a little easier if you have one or two people to suggest soft play or parks with so you have a slightly wider circle. Not everyone has family members to do stuff with all the time, it's quite common for retired parents to be prioritising their hobbies, friends, holidays even if they live close by.

Your entitlement is astounding. Unfortunately you are the terrible selfish one.
'she will only give us X amount of time in a week which are times that do not really benefit us that much'. Who on earth do you think you are.

I think maybe you are expecting too much too soon. Not everyone is into babies and toddlers and you will probably find as your child gets more independent things will improve.
Remember that your parents are older now and a lot of older people find babies and toddlers quite tiring as much as they love them.

You’ve had so many negative messages, I just wanted to give you support. I know exactly what you mean! I’ve felt this to a much lesser degree that you with my in-laws, so I can imagine how disappointed you must feel when it’s your own parents.
i think all you can do is keep inviting them, and do ask them for help when you need it (you’ve already proved you care more about building a reciprocal relationship than wanting childcare - but it is ok to ask for this sometimes!)
we also have started inviting ourselves round to our in-laws for dinner when we want a break from cooking from time to time (like once a month max for those people who feel inclined to shit on people who did build a village 🙄) - my in-laws seem to love hosting us occasionally, I’m sure your parents will too.

Why don't you suggest the things you would like? If you don't you're judging them on a situation that you've not even attempted to talk about. Sometimes people are unaware or don't want to be a burden... If you don't ask then I don't think you can judge if I'm honest.

There's the things you want them to do, and the things they want to do. These are not the same.

They don't need to do anything. It's lovely if they want to get involved and go places with you, but you chose to have a baby and move close to them. They didn't. They have lives which were probably ticking along quite nicely and they very understandably don't want to give that up to be focused on a baby.

Sorry to say but this all sounds quite normal. I have a good relationship with my parents but we usually pop over to their house or go to the local park. They have never been to a soft play or anything similar with my daughter. I'd love to do that instead of going to theirs but to be honest I also haven't suggested it so I can't expect them to be mind readers. Have you suggested going somewhere instead of just popping over? X

Not sure you are still reading but I think there is a difference between not living close by and living 2 mins away. It sounds like when you lived further apart then you made plans which they were happy to do as it was a 'one off'.
How did they react about you moving nearer? While to you there was a vision of lots of family time, it might be that they have their own lives and routines (even if that is the pub) and are set into doing this.

You said earlier on about not wanting to necessarily talk about it with them, but maybe you need to. Have you said you are happy for them to pop in any time?

I do think some posters are right though in that your parents might be worried that you want them as babysitters (you refer to other new mums talking about how their parents have the baby for the day so they can have the time off). It may be that your parents have been trying to make their boundaries clear that they do not want to be stuck in a regular babysitting arrangement.

Also not everyone loves babies. Perhaps once the child is older they will be more interested in spending time with them.

Has it occurred to you that ‘village-building’ would also be taking place if you hosted them?

Thing is you can host as much as you like, hosting does not an automatic village build. Gotta have the right villagers. Speaking from experience as someone who hosted for 6+ years with little to no reciprocity, then moved and found a bunch of people who also host/make effort. Not that hosting should be like-for-like, but can't deny It's lovely being surrounded by people who match your energy!

The thing is, you’re not entitled to a village. I hate that term. My sisters in law use it all the time, and when they ask for free babysitting they pipe up with the “oh we’re looking to our village!”

The same village who wasn’t there when I had surgery, and avoided me for two weeks while I recovered. The same village who let me struggle to look after my parents who both had pneumonia, while unwell myself. It wasn’t until I passed out cold on the bathroom floor that they realised they might need to lend a hand.

You’re not entitled to a village, and you’re only really a “villager” if you also help as much as you expect others too. In reality you guys don’t want a village. You want a bunch of free childcare and people to gush over how amazing you are, while you ignore their needs for help.

Yes, absolutely. As an enthusiastic host, and , as someone who had a baby in a different country to all family and friends, we had to make our ‘village’. I was only responding to @Luckylu123’s assertion which implied a link between inviting themselves to her ILs for dinner and ‘village-building’.

I completely understand why you're disappointed. I lived away from my family for many years and we moved back to be near to them when we decided we wanted to have a baby. They're 15 minutes down the road (as are my grandparents) and we all see eachother multiple times a week for days in and out, and my parents are going to be helping with childcare when I'm back at work. So I do totally understand how you're feeling and what your hopes for this time of your life were.

However, I knew life would look like this for me because we're very close. You said you're not close, so I think your expectations were unrealistic from the start. I say this from experience - we're not close to my husband's parents and I truly believed when my baby was here that would change and they'd suddenly want to spend more time with us to get close to their first and only grandchild. That hasn't happened at all and I've been so disappointed. My husband told me all along that nothing would change, and he was right.

So I'm having to completely readjust my expectations of the relationship and learn to be happy with what we've got with them.

I think that's what you need to do with your family too. Focus on building a life without them, and seeing any contact you do have with them as a bonus.