Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

I would have hated family just popping in all the time.

Maybe they don’t want to tread on toes, maybe they have read countless threads on here about interfering grandparents!

How often do you see them?

Do they have busy social lives?

Were they excited when you moved 2 minutes near them? My parents might have seen that as a backwards step if I had moved back so close to them, after having moved away. They might have liked me closer but not necessarily that close. And we had a close relationship

OH and I loved our grandchildren to bits but soft play was horrible! One child we took managed to get into the area for older children when we both blinked at the same time, I finished up havig to get to the top of thing construction to get her down, she was scared to move. Later, a different gc, sat in the back of a bouncy thing and refused to be tempted out, OH had to crawl in to drag her out.
But we did these things because was had the time, inclination and spare cash, not because we had to!

OP, people don’t know what your thoughts are unless you tell them. I would have hated people dropping in on me, or constantly asking if they could come out with me and my son. I would invite them. I would say, I’m taking DS to soft play on Tuesday, if you’re free would you like to come along? It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your parents and so perhaps they feel that they are imposing if they keep wanting to see you. Invite them to do something with you.

I have siblings but no other children in the family besides mine. We moved closer to my family as I thought I was closer to mine than my partner was with his. And location wise, it was the better option.

I personally thought a park in the sunshine and a trip to a cafe was a great day out, especially when you see a little one enjoying themselves. But maybe that's just me!

But yes it is a shame and I don't like to feel like I am forcing something that just isn't there, so suppose I should just deal with it.

I agree with pp, your family will be delighted with the baby but ultimately they won't do much, at least ime. I am from a huge family who all live a stones throw from me and I can count on one hand the amount of times they helped out with my dc, and that was for important stuff, hospital appointments etc. If this is important to you talk to them about how you feel, they might agree and get more involved.

What do you mean by saying what they should be doing in your post. Nobody should be made to feel that they should be doing things for your baby.

You seem to expect your mother to be available whenever you want rather than at times that are convenient for her. I’m not sure why you think she’s the selfish one.

???

I think a lot of grandparents are negatively influenced by some of the batshit ideas on this site, we read it for a bit of a laugh, and now can't do right for fear of doing wrong.

I think your expectations are quite off. If you want company, you'd be much better going to baby groups or doing activities with other new parents like baby yoga, baby massage, swimming classes etc. I barely want to go to soft play with my own toddler, let alone go with someone else's baby! if you need support with practical things like housework, shopping, someone holding the baby so you can sleep/shower then you need to specifically ask for that help.

Read the other posts I have written. I did not mean this at all and anyone commenting with negativity has just come here for an argument it seems. That's quite funny...

Kindly this is your child, there aren't other children in the family for you to have based any expectations upon and your idea of soft play and the park with a baby as a great day likely sounds boring to adults without small children. Honestly it's boring to a lot of adults with small children.

How often have you spent time with your family without your child? Where is your husband in this? Does he go to the park and play cafés with you?

I think the safest thing is to communicate well.

@Surf1234 are your parents the popping in sort? Do you and your siblings just drop in to each other’s houses?

I read about families on here who all live in about a 5 minute radius of each other and see family every day, and just pop in without any notice. I would absolutely hate that. No matter how close I am to family I need my space!

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here.

Why not? You want certain things to happen but just wishing for something nice as if you’re 6 yrs old isn’t going to work, is it?

This is 100% on you to communicate more clearly with your parents. If it’s not something you’ve ever done before, now’s the time to start. You really don’t have anything left to lose. You’re still behaving like their child but the relationship dynamic can change. It probably won’t happen immediately but give it time and regular effort.

You’re getting used to being a new parent and they’re getting used to being grandparents.

To be honest, as a grannie, I really don’t care for spending time with the babies unless one of the parents is there too, but happy to have them on my own when they’re a bit older. Maybe your parents will be the same?

I don't think you say how old your baby is but I think it's easy to put rose tinted spectacles on and assume things will be lovely when you are pregnant/baby is small. Reading between the lines I wonder if you are also wanting your parents to be better grandparents than they were parents?

I think it's difficult for grandparents to get it right. If you peruse MN you will see quite as many people wishing their parents would stop popping round all the time and forever wanting them to do things, as you do ones who want the very involved life.

For me the part of your post that jumps out is that being open is not an option. I think this is hard for you because you have a wonderful baby, and it's highlighted the issues and the lack of closeness with your own parents that you had managed to successfully hide when you lived far away and only saw them occasionally. I know you said that you didn't want people to say this, but you won't change your parents. If you can't be open with them, then you have to accept that what you have is what you have (and it's a lot better than many people have, to give you some context). That doesn't mean you cant' grief and be sad for what you wanted. But what you wanted was an illusion.

What do your parents typically do for fun?

Do they go for walks and to cafes etc already?

Perhaps you could start doing things that they already find fun and invite them along.
E.g. going to national trust gardens etc

It may be that they don’t want to overstep and think you’ll ask them or just that they’re not interested in going to places like soft plays or petting farms etc.

You may find that as your child gets older and is able to do things that they find more interesting, they’ll be more interested.

How entitled of you to think that everyone will go along with what you had in your head.

You had this idea that they will help out more. Why on earth would you expect that? People have their own lives and things going on. We arrange to meet family, get together and then everyone gets on with their life.

im a parent of a toddler and I draw the line at soft play myself. It’s hell and I only take my toddler if it’s a party and have no choice. Can’t imagine a gp wanting to do that willingly.

seems like you want childcare. Really unfair and entitled to expect that .

I think you’re getting a rough time because MN loves to jump on anyone ‘expecting’ childcare. What you meant was you hoped you’d see them and they’d be more involved with your child and your life than they are, and you understand that it’s up to them how much they’re involved but what you hoped for isn’t what you’ve got and it’s made you reassess how you thought of your family relationships. I think having a baby can highlight our family dynamics a lot, the same with friends too, when you realise maybe things had been a bit more one sided or not quite what you thought. That’s hard to reconcile and can be upsetting if you’d like to be close with them.
could you talk to them and say I hoped it would look like x, would you like that too or would you like it to stay as it is now?
and then at least you have your answer and you’ve tried. Maybe they’ve not realised.

fwiw I had the same issue, I never expected or wanted childcare, but all the way through my pregnancy my mum talked about how she couldn’t wait to see the baby a few times a week, come to classes with us, go on days out during mat leave etc. but actually when I needed her the most, I saw her less than I had my entire life. She never helped at all, and she shows virtually no interest in seeing me or my dc now several years on. I know that’s her right to make that choice but we can still be hurt too

Is it really not possible to say to your parents that you would be happy for them to see you and baby whenever would suit them at wherever would suit them?

Could you suggest a regular day each week/fortnight/month to meet up? Then it's not you asking, or them asking, it's just the ongoing arrangement.

I personally thought a park in the sunshine and a trip to a cafe was a great day out,

I thought this was a joke for a second or two 😁
Have you ever seen that article about on the internet about 'ask' and 'guess' culture? Seems like your relatives operate on ask, and you want them to guess.
You see them often, so tell them you're happy for them to arrange meetups.

That’s literally what you said in your OP. You moved your family based upon a fantasy that does not exist, and you want other people to facilitate that fantasy. You cannot manufacture or force a bond, it’s something that takes active work.

Rather than focusing on your needs have you tried focusing on your parents’ needs? What are their hobbies? Do you spend time with them doing things they like to do? Have you spent time building a relationship as adults? Or did you simply decide that you would move once you were set on having a baby and expected them to just fall in line?

My in laws aren’t interested in any of their grandchildren. It’s just the way they are.

What do your family enjoy doing? When you were visiting them and were child-free, what were the things that you all liked doing together?

Understandably, the focus of your world has changed - but theirs has not. So demonstrating that those ‘old’ good things are still possible with a baby may be more successful than trying to make them like baby-centred things? What about Sunday lunch out? Or a gathering at your house with the baby mainly in bed?

Once you have shown that you are still someone who is sociable on ‘their terms’, then it may be easier to instigate some social events that are on ‘baby focused’ terms.

Obviously, this is different if the family social focus was late night bars and nightclubs! However, again, a small amount of investment in a babysitter may reinstate you as a ‘close member of the family’, interested in them as much as in your baby.

I think everyone dreams of having very involved grandparents to laugh and enjoy life with - and to help out with our little ones. But, the reality for many is not the case. I envied people who had it when my children are little and I still do now they are grown up! Both my parents had died by the time my youngest son started school, and the IL's lived 150 miles away.

You had expectations and imagined something that has not transpired.

Nobody has done anything wrong here, you just need to adjust your expectations. Just move your thoughts and shift your focus on to other things - catching up with friends, perhaps a few old schoolfriends, finding toddler groups, keeping busy with your little one etc..

You will find these thoughts will diminish. You are still very fortunate to have your parents alive, healthy and nearby and will probably find these thoughts go once you have shifted them to other things.