Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

I think you've fallen into the trap of being in the baby bubble. As a new parent when the baby is so all encompassing, it's easy to think that the world revolves around them. Yours certainly does but this doesn't mean that everyone else's does. Your family sees them regularly but expecting them to accompany you to soft play isn't the one. They've done their time in soft play. What you need is some mum friends. You need to join up to classes and put yourself forward to make friends with women who are in the same parenting season as yourself.

You sound a bit like my brother, who would have all these expectations in his head and then get angry when they didn't transpire.

From my experience, my parents didn't initiate much as they assumed I was busy and didn't want to interfere.

Assumptions and expectations are a bit of a bugger!

Have you had a conversation with your parents about all of your expectations?

Of course. We host our friends and family all the time. We have a fantastic village.
but I can relate a little to the OP being disappointed with how some family members initiate outings etc. and was just telling her how we navigate that.

Sorry your village sucks and they weren’t there for you.
Ive got a great village. They’ve been there for me and I’ve been there for them. No one’s perfect, there’s give and take. But overall I feel very happy in the village we have built.

I hear what you’re saying and know exactly where you’re coming from. I don’t think you’re selfish and entitled either.
I can resonate as I had twin babies and did not feel very supported from family close by. You do see it all over social media…the helpful grandparents dropping off lasagnes and offering to watch the babies, whereas my mum and dad would drop by for an hour max and it would be hosting them, so no rest or downtime at all!
I have come to accept that it is just me and my husband and that ultimately we can never rely on anyone else for anything, and that’s fine, but equally it’s also ok to feel sad and disappointed that something hasn’t turned out the way you hoped.

I'm in the exact same situation as you. Have always lived far away and been happy with weekend trips and meet ups a few times a year. We moved 45 mins away during pregnancy with the plan for it to be temporary (sold out house and rented for a while) but ended up buying here.

For me I quite like that they're not in my pocket so maybe refocus on the positives. I'm sure it was still a good move - especially as your son gets older and they can have them for overnight visits or to give you some free time as a couple. That's invaluable for your well being. So just to reassure you - you have done the right thing. People are just different. I'm the organiser of the family so I'm in the same boat that no one would arrange anything without me but I just see that as advantageous...things are on our terms which is nice in a way.

I don't often comment but seeing some unkind responses on here, made me want to say, I share some of your feelings op. I lost my own mum and living close to in-laws who nagged for us to have children for over 5 years, led me to believe there would be more involvement. Over the years they have helped a fair bit but it always was very much on their terms and it always felt like everyone else I knew had grandparents being around in a more helpful/suitable/nicer way. As they have gotten older, they now expect us to drop everything/ change our plans at times to help them so a lot of emotion has surfaced about how they were never prepared to do that when we needed them. Those early days of first baby can feel incredibly lonely. So I really do feel for you. I hope you manage to build a wonderful supportive network of good friends who will cherish the time spent with you and your little one.

Totally empathise with you OP, take no notice of the heartless people who want to bash you for sharing your disappointment. All negative posts here are most certainly being written by defensive or selfish grandparents who know they could be more involved but don’t want to, or resentful parents who would jump at the chance for more involvement from grandparents but they don’t have it and feel the need to justify why it doesn’t matter. Personally my parents are very involved, we moved to be closer to them knowing that they would be not only helpful but also delighted to build strong bonds with their grandchildren. I don’t rely on them for childcare but they always suggest times they could see us, we have days out and they attend most events that involve the children eg sports days or school shows. They will happily take them out to child centred activities like softplay purely to keep the kids happy even if none of us love being there as adults. And most importantly my children LOVE spending time with them and it adds a whole different dimension to their lives that I didn’t have growing up. Yes I’m extremely fortunate and they are also reasonably young and don’t work, but it’s not far too much to expect that your parents will want to be involved with their grandchildren… what a shame society has become this way, and yet we are always telling mums that it takes a village! We have lost the wider family unit so that we need to build our own village from scratch these days. In real life I find other mums are always saying how they wish their parents would be more involved, and I know of lots of others grandparents who are overjoyed to spend as much time as they are allowed with their grandchildren, isn’t it one of life’s great joys to spend time with the family we create by choice? But where are those people on this post? Ignore the mumsnet haters who will try to bring you down to suit their narrative. My only advice to you is try to gently be more open with your parents if it is possible, I don’t know them but they sound like they do want to have a relationship and so it’s worth trying to build on that as there is a chance the communication has broken down? Sending love!

It is interesting how some posters moved away from home (and so their parents had to fit in visits accordingly). Then they move back with the expectation that yet again parents will fit in with what the posters want. No criticism of moving away as both DH and I moved from hometowns. But parents left behind will forge their own lives, so do they have to drop all this because the prodigal child has returned?

Sounds like OPs parents see their grandchild, but they are probably used to having visits organised when OP moved away and so have continued that way when seeing their grandchild. So not being spontaneous, maybe that is not their thing. Maybe they have seen a number of their friends being taken advantage of for childcare, because some of the people OP sees with involved grandparents may just be taking advantage of their parents, and the parents don’t know how to say no, or they can be interfering. It’s not always as rosy as it can look.

I haven’t been able to read through the whole thread but I genuinely could have written this myself! I completely understand how you are feeling.

I felt so disappointed when I started mat leave and slowly realised it wasn’t going to be how I imagined. I would have loved my mum to just pop round and spend time with me or invite me out for a coffee. I didn’t want her help. I just wanted the company!

Whenever I did try to invite her over she’d ask why or what I needed help with, and I found it kind of embarrassing to admit that I just needed emotional support rather than practical.

I am three years along now and have had another baby. Nothing has really changed. My parents will always offer practical support and I know they will be there in a flash in an emergency. But I have had to come to terms with the fact that we don’t have the closeness I hoped for.

I had friends whose Mums were coming over once a week, or always going on nice days out or little holidays. It made me really sad and quite jealous.

It’s really valid how you are feeling and I don’t think I have any advice, but just wanted to say you are not unreasonable or alone in feeling this way.

Sorry so many people have been harsh. I am an involved grandmother in providing a couple of days childcare a week and moved house to be nearer my daughter, her husband and their child, but this was discussed prior to them even having a child. TBH I don’t socialise with them very often and neither side expects it. We still get to see each other and chat at handovers. There are many ways of being involved and you’ll just have to find mutually satisfying arrangements over time. Just accept for now that you didn’t share your expectations and they differ from your parents, BUT you have many years ahead to build closeness and your relationship will evolve.

I wasn't going to respond on this thread anymore but after reading your comment I thought I would leave it on a positive note rather than putting energy into the negative ones. People are obviously bored, lonely and have nothing better to do - had to get one last swipe in there for you angels!

This is EXACTLY how I feel. It has nothing to do with having free labour, as people have continued to drone on about despite me saying this several times. Okay, maybe having a shower whilst someone entertains the baby would be nice, but I can do this when hubby is home so no big deal.

I don't want to sit my parents down and have a heartfelt chat about my hopes and wishes for us to be a close knit family. That makes me ill just thinking about it. I think unless you know the ins and outs of a family dynamic, I don't understand how people can be so presumptuous that this is easy, or say I am being a child for not communicating. But it's similar for me, when I ask them 'do you want to come round' they would often say 'why, is everything okay?' and I'd say everything's fine but also it also felt weird to feel like I'm reminding them that they can see their grandchild if they want to. I wouldn't do this before the baby. I would just pop round every now and again, so this still feels alien to me. Again, if we were closer this would obviously be more natural and not feel like a formal invite wouldn't it? And I definitely don't like to admit I'm lonely and just hoping for a bit of company either. But when we are together, especially in the really early days, I would always say 'come round whenever, we're always here!' so felt like I got the message across quite well, but maybe it's a work in progress.

I go to lots of baby classes, play groups and I'm trying to build my ''village.'' However, it takes time to be fully comfortable and open with people but hopefully it will get to a stage where I feel like I've found my people. I've heard people say that you also can't expect your existing friends to want to be around a baby if they don't have children themselves. Totally get this. But when you have your absolute best mates, you kind of do hope that they want to be in their lives at least a bit. We all do things we don't really want to do for the people we care about don't we? I have been to many very boring birthday parties/christenings and other things I would have gladly avoided.

Anyways to just to confirm, I do not expect anything from anyone. I feel the same as you, just a bit of disappointment that things haven't been the way I imagined. I feel like after having my baby, I have had to rebuild a lot of confidence with going out places, doing normal stuff with a baby in tow, and I hoped someone would be there to ease some of the anxieties a bit (NOT ALL THE TIME BEFORE ANYONE STARTS). It's not exactly how I pictured and I will come to terms with it like you have. Thankyou.

I can understand why you feel upset at this too. Everyone in my husbands family says let us know if you ever need anything, we are always here to help, any babysitting or anything you would ever need etc and the reality is very different. We all have our own lives going on and our own things to deal with but I was fed up messaging and asking can we come over and visit and fit into their schedules all the time and no one ever visiting us or checking in with us. Once I stop making the plans then the plans don’t happen.

it’s so hard when family don’t meet you’re expectations and I grew up with a close relationship with my grandparents seeing them most days and my aunts uncles and cousins very regularly and it makes me sad my children won’t have that same type of relationship but I’m not forcing it to happen if the others won’t make the effort. Same with friendships but that’s another matter!

enjoy your children and family and make the most of the classes and times with other mums and keep an open door to others.

Your relationship with your parents sounds similar to mine (I think) I grew up with my meals provided and a clean house but we never did much as a family I was left to entertain my self a lot. I also moved back home after having my dd and got loads of support off nlaws (who live in same town) but very little from my parents. I remember inviting them to my DDs first birthday and being told “children’s parties aren’t really their thing” in the end I had to accept their limitations as grandparents but my mum did get a bit better when kids got older. She would sometimes take them shopping and get them a new school bag or coat and she sometimes took them to a local nature attraction she liked. I’m talking maybe 2 o3 times a year but it was nice she did that even if it did centre around her own interests. It probably took the sting out for us having in-laws help (although that came with it’s own issues)
id look at your parents as emergency back up (always handy) but try to accept your relationship’s limitations and consider things nay improve when your child is older.

Gosh, people are tough on this chat 😓

I totally see where you are coming from. I felt exactly the same after my child was born, and I don't want to hear "They have their own life, blah, blah, blah" BS! If they are retired, they CAN make time for their grandchildren, especially after begging for so many years for a grandchild and promising help.

Anyway, I think you need to express to them what you want, in a kind manner, without placing any blame. Tell them you feel lonely and that you would love to have them visit. Tell them you would love your child to have a close bond with them and cherished memories.

Take the initiative of suggesting or organizing outings—"Remember when you talked about going to softplay? That was a lovely idea! When would you like to do that?"

You need to communicate, as they may not know what you need or want. If they still ignore you or push back after you've expressed it, then they are in the wrong. Accept their flaws and find someone else to share this joy with—a cousin, a high-school friend?

What they should be doing? what's expected?

You sound entitled.

And I always find it telling how posters who love to put the boot into an OP and make their criticisms of the OP very personal and unkind, are outraged when the OP responds in kind and is as rude to them as they have been to her. The hypocricy on here is off the scale. The OP isn't your whipping boy who is supposed to gratefully suck up all the judgemental comments.

Absolutely this. The outrage at being 'disagreed with' is laughable when those posters appear to conflate disagreeing with someone and sticking the boot in.

If you want to disagree, do it constructively and offer practical suggestions like @Bonheur1234 did. Post dickish comments (as many have on here) and you'll have to accept the pushback from the OP.

After having a baby, there is a New Task ahead, as well as caring for baby: we have to design a new style of life, AND this can be a Minefield of navigating each new day, this is a huge life -changing episode. There are lots of parents going through similar. My best advice is get up every day and go out; search for mothers groups nearby- other mums can br a great source of support. I'm guessing that your family will love to be more support but have full lives of their own and if they've already got or done that stage of life then they're glad they got through it. There are ways to get support and it could be when you make new friends. There is effort required in this and when you do it will remove pressure from you. As baby gets older they will enjoy the friends you make as your social group expands in these groups and probably make life long friends from these. So just go out more and more......' ..hope this helps you. God bless.