Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

[Surf1234]

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down.

I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away).

So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc.

I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

There’s disagreeing with someone and there’s trying to start an argument for absolutely no reason when a person expresses how they are feeling. Sorry, did you take this personally or something? In my view, I don’t ever think it’s wise to share such strong negative opinions when someone doesn’t know the full picture.

And I definitely wouldn’t share opinions on a parenting thread when I don’t have kids! But that’s just me.

I feel like this is the modern way of grandparents if i'm honest. You will be hounded on here for the audacity of hoping your parents wanted a close relationship with their grandchildren (or to think they would want to support their child)

Im not sure if it is completely the modern way of grandparenting.

Im 61 and both sets of my grandparents lived nearby when i was a child but they didn't take us to the equivalent of soft play every week or dedicate a day looking after us. We would have occasional trips to Parkgate or Eastham for an ice cream maybe. My grandparents had loads of hobbies and enjoyed socialising in the 70s and 80s and while they certainly they loved the grandchildren they didnt want to be tied down with them.

These days many grandparents are still working and if they aren't they have their own interests to pursue with adults in their own age group whether its cycling groups, waking meet up, wild swimming etc.
It doesn't make them selfish for wanting to enjoy their lives.

Firstly, we can only go on the information you provide, so if there is a lack of information then that’s on you.

Secondly, you are specifically asking why members of your family (who do not have young children) are not spending more time with you and your young child doing child-focused activities. I would have thought that the people you would most want to hear from are those who don’t have children, because they may be more adept at explaining why spending an afternoon in soft play when you don’t have a young child does not constitute “quality time”.

I appreciate that someone disagreeing with you may across as wanting to start an argument from your POV, but I must say that your responses to a lot of posters are very telling. I don’t think you started this thread to get advice, you started it because you want people to agree with you and decry your family as selfish.

The fact you thought any adult would be excited about going to soft play is quite telling. You are being very unreasonable

Agreed. A lot of people, even grandparents, find baby and childcare boring and stressful

It will be a long cold day in hell before I step foot in soft play again. I went only once, same with mum and baby gtoups!

Okay, I apologise that the information I provided in my initial post was misleading. I totally understand that warrants a barrage of comments calling me entitled and stupid for having such wild expectations. I should have seen that coming.

But no, you are wrong. I do not want to hear from someone who doesn’t have children. Especially when their advice is limited to WE ALL HATE SOFT PLAY. Same here. What I like is seeing my little one happy, whether that’s jumping in ball pits, going down a slide or eating his lunch in a restaurant. I don’t think it’s too unreasonable to think that a grandparent may enjoy this every once in a while. If you don’t, then fair do’s, I’m not judging.

I don’t want anyone to call my family selfish. If they did I would probably become quite defensive because I don’t think they are and that would be mean. All I could hope for was a few people maybe feeling the same way/being in a similar situation, and a bit of helpful perspective, as I thought that’s what mumsnet was for.

My sister thought I was rude for not coming to observe her baby at a swimming class. Sitting fully clothed on the edge of a boiling hot swimming area watching a pile of 9 month olds being held on water and doing very little. How riveting. She didn't get it.

🤣

A woman has come here who has (probably fairly recently) had a baby, and now she’s feeling a bit lonely and unsupported and asking how to manage that.

just telling her she’s rude, unreasonable and that you hate the park and soft play, might not be particularly helpful or kind.

But people have given you lots of perspectives. Including me. You don’t seem to want them.

Unfortunately you cannot control who responds on an online forum, but maybe you should specify the type of people you want to hear from in your OP next time as that might limit the number of alternative viewpoints you are getting.

You do realise there are feminism, miscarriage and fertility support boards on here?

Your attitude to people disagreeing with you and personal attacks is providing more of a picture.

Based on your responses Im assuming you didnt chat with them before having a child about what kind of help you expected, and moving home to be closer to that "help" without speaking to them to align expectations is a crazy move.

It sounds as though they are happy to spend time with your little one, but on your invite and as a visit rather than childcare. There's nothing wrong with that, though if you want more you need to ask.

As for coming on mumsnet to hear from others feeling the same way, you'll get that but this isn't an echo chamber. It also sounds as though you need to consider the feedback from those who either dont have children or are past the child rearing stage.

Hopefully you find more people in the same stage, with the same interests in local parent and baby groups, and find a way to have an honest and fair chat with your parents.

Sorry remind me what your perspective has been? Stop complaining and get on with it? People with kids don’t like soft play? Kids are boring to most people? Great cheers!

The point of my post is as simple as this.
I thought I would have an abundance of people around me as a new mum. Maternity leave would be filled with child friendly days out, people coming to visit and maybe, just maybe, someone would invite us round and let me a drink a hot cup of tea whilst they hold/entertain the baby. Shoot me for being so selfish. I just assumed that although babies are boring to those who do not have them, people accept that he is now part of the deal.

Respectfully, I think only those who have kids know how difficult it can be to transition from ‘everyone wants to come hold the newborn’ to no-one seems interested anymore.

Next time I’ll make sure to specify that only nice, lonely mums respond please. You seem a bit more of a professional mumsnet responder so I’ll take that bit of advice onboard.

Those who have children are saying the same things and considering Mumsnet has a large community of people suffering from infertility your posts are getting increasingly uncomfortable to read. Just because you're struggling, doesn't mean no one else is. Many are saying you're in the wrong so going in on one poster and saying you don't want her opinion, which is the same as the majority, because she doesn't have children is coming across as spiteful.

Oh that's a big stretch, talk about making mountains out of molehills.

What happened to feminine solidarity and helping a new mum with emotional support when she is down, that is below the belt.

My advice has been to spend quality time with the people you want your child to bond with, rather than expecting them to launch into a cosplay of The Waltons. The fact that you expected to have an abundance of people around you says it all, really. Life just isn’t like that, especially not when you don’t have those strong bonds prior to having a baby.

The fact that your responses are now peppered with insults is interesting, especially when you are calling for kindness and niceness. Is it also a case of you wanting people to prioritise your needs when you don’t prioritise theirs? Maybe your parents/family feel that way?

How on earth do you know anything about my own fertility struggles. Or just life struggles in general. If I told you I lost a child and therefore feel very deeply about family being present and involved, would this soften the responses. This world is mad.

There were too many negative responses to reply to all of them. This person, I found particularly relentless and the stubbornness in me could not ignore it and move on to the next.

Basically saying that people have bigger problems in the world is a very very unhelpful and somewhat dangerous comment to make.

Yeah it doesn’t come across well, does it? Regardless of whether someone has had a baby or not, the fact of the matter is that you can’t manufacture a bond with people out of thin air. A lot of posters have tried to tell the OP this but she is becoming increasingly insulting in her responses.

Hurt people, hurt people. Hopefully you find a way to stop hurting. Unfortunately none of the suggestions on this thread have helped you but there are lots of places online where others may have other suggestions, or someone may come along soon who can help you. I hope that's the case.

The fact that you expected to have an abundance of people around you says it all, really. Life just isn’t like that, especially not when you don’t have those strong bonds prior to having a baby.

wasnt that literally the point? She thought she did have those strong bonds, she’s realised now she didn’t, and she’s coming to terms with that whilst lonely and postpartum, and looking for some advice and support.

I posted a response, you replied and then we have been replying to each other back and forth. How is that me being relentless? Because I would just call that a conversation. I didn’t even tag or quote you in my original post, just gave my opinion.

I am always kind but wilt defend myself and match other peoples cattiness when presented with it. Call me petty, that’s fine.

It’s actually quite a common feeling for new parents to think all existing family and friends will still be there when they have a baby. Reality hits eventually but doesn’t mean it’s not hard to accept.

It’s actually quite a common feeling for new parents to think all existing family and friends will still be there when they have a baby. Reality hits eventually but doesn’t mean it’s not hard to accept.

This is very sad but true and this is what the OP is going through - be kinder folks.

Appreciate some of the kinder responses. Seems like some people out there do get what I’m trying to say! Thank god, thought I was losing my marbles.

Anyways, they won’t delete this post for me for some reason. I think it’s because we keep commenting on it (obviously myself included) so if we could all go our separate ways then maybe this can fade into the darkness. All the best!

If friends don't have DC then you will probably find you will find new friends or spend more time with friends with DC.

We lived nowhere near family when had DC so had to make our own 'village'. We also moved just as I got pregnant so had no friends in our new area, so most of our friends now DC are grown and flying the nest are the friends we made when we all had babies/little children. When DC are young this is the time when it is easy to make new friends, from baby groups, activities etc.

I don't think I have seen how often you see your family (or your in-laws).

Where does your partner fit in here?

Maternity leave can be a strange place to be, especially if you are the first in your circle to have a baby. Could you tell your family you are feeling lonely (don't blame them in anyway) and just ask whether they have more time to spend with you. But I would also be looking outside the family unit and build up a friendship group with new mums. It is useful having people around who are going through exactly the same stages you are going through.

Come on most of these comments have been loudly insulting. Its not AIBU the mumsnet section devoted specifically to commenters outdoing each ither to shit all over the OP. She is asking for insight, not a torrent of abuse.

I dont understand why OP is getting such a bashing at all. I had a great relationship with my grandparents due to the fact they spent lots of time with us and cousins when we were young. I have fond memories of sleepovers at theirs, trips to park. My mum tries with mine even though they can be a little tricky behavior wise ( suspected ND). For us moving close was a god send as it stopped negative tensions and arguments when we were forced to stay at each other's houses. She doesn't do regular childcare but will collect occasionally, babysit occasionally, took them out for a few days over the school holiday. She invites us over on a weekend. Pops in every so often. The majority of my friends who have stayed in our hometown or moved back have a similar relationship with their parents. I'm really surprised that this is seen as such an outlandish desire.