MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

But I suspect that the difference is that your friends dont assume you would pay, or worst say that you should pay, because you are better off.

I do the same with my sister if she is feeling the pinch and I am doing better, and vice versa. She is actually better off than me usually and often treats me but I try to even it up when i can, especially now when she has had a very large unexpected expense that has really flattened her financially. The point is that neither of us would ever expect it of the other.

The @Backinnotblack 's inlaws very much do expect and demand it.

If your friends did that would you pay? Would they even still be your friends? Yes they are family but as half an hour on MN will tell you, family very often does not mean nice, kind, supportive etc! It often means nasty, demanding and entitled.

I suspect that both things can be true simultaneously.

For me, whether it's ok for generosity to be taken for granted probably comes down to circumstance and context. For genuinely small amounts (ie someone picking up some milk on the way over because you've run out), then I really wouldn't care. And my equivalent of picking up a pint of milk might look different if I was Elon musk or something. Or where is just an accepted thing between you both where you both know it's the only way that things are affordable.

Money can cause so may issues, as is evident on this thread. Generosity is a positive character trait and greed is not - whether that's by trying to get someone else pay for you, or watching others struggle whilst you live in luxury yourself. I'm not sure the op or the mil are covering themselves in glory here.

I’d give her some but not much in this case. “Some” being what I consider appropriate for whatever the big birthday is.

So, let’s say she’s thinking of a party with a total bill of £20,000. Let’s say it’s her 70th. Let’s say that for my mum’s 70th, for which she had and paid for her own party costing however much, I bought her a custom sculpture of all her grandchildren’s baby hands that cost me £3000.

For my MIL, if she were this MIL and my DH agreed, we’d give her a cheque for £3000 and tell her that we would have done an equivalent sculpture for her but we know she’s planning this party so wanted her to have the choice to spend the money on that instead. She could consider it a contribution to her entire 70th birthday celebration.

You have to be clear and firm and shut down any possibility for come back, wheedling, dispute. And you have to assume she will tell everyone - except SIL who she will want to bitch about you to - exactly how much you gave and a warped explanation of your motives.

If I wanted to have dinner with a friend who was hard up, I'd let them pick the restaurant or cafe they could afford, or host them at home.

@Backinnotblack
MIL wants a milestone Birthday party and
No doubt your DH will want to contribute
But a hotel will cost money
So if it were me I'd suggest something less exspensive but still as nice
And then do sums /calculations
And have it divided between DH and his siblings whilst always
Telling MIL of progress along the way then
If the others don't pay up
(Cow of a SIL alert here)
Then DH doesn't either
Then you let it be known
Why party never happened
Also
Your DH has to tell SIL /other siblings they can't promise to pay later because its "assumed" he's alright financially and that he'll conveniently forget as they're "family"
Who it seems would take advantage without a backward glance
£1000 shoes anyone?
And does she still wear them??
Or
You give a lump sum upfront
And let it be known that you did
So no impression is given of youse all giving nothing at all
( SIL spoiler alert here)
Good luck with it all