MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

I agree with the posters who have suggested a fixed contribution as your gift to them. That will help them out and also put the brakes on SIL’s spending.

Im soooo curious as to how these conversations go (you say you expect to be tapped up rather than already have been asked, so I'm assuming they have asked previously).

If they drop hints then hints can be ignored. Do they straight out say "this party is going to cost £x please can you send us the money? Or do you do the organising and paying so they never pay you back? How does it work?
Equally with the £1000 bridesmaid shoes - did noone say "err, no that's way over budget, can you find something more reasonable"?

@Mulledjuice It's a range of different things. There are the payments made where it has been explicit that money should be returned but a request has been met with "you can afford it". There are the situations where something needs to be done for MIL where payment is dragged and dragged out until the last second with the hope we'll go in and say "ok let's get this done". But then if we did we'd end up in scenario 1 again. Then the situations where I am asked outright for things (like the chauffeur) which is kind of dismissed as a joke when it doesn't land, but it's not. Oh or the times when we are told such and such a really expensive bill is exactly x so don't be shocked when it is taken out of MIL's account, even though we never see the account as SIL is the only one with access.....

I don't understand most of your examples!

Can MIL pay for the party she wants herself? Or can she not afford it?

If not, are you and your DH willing to fund it, or make a contribution towards it? If so do, but if not then they can't force you.

If SIL makes comments or "jokes" about it then you can ignore (and rant privately) of say "I dont know why you think it is up to you to spend our money" or "i dont know why you think you know what we have available to spend, but we don't have it"(whether that is true or not.
Or your DH tells them to fuck off.

As none of your in-laws sound particularly nice, I wouldn't pay for anything.

I agree that your MIL and other family on your DH's side sound grabby and entitled to a share of your wealth. If MIL just expects you to pay for her 80th birthday celebration because you have the most money, you need to disabuse her of that expectation as soon as possible.

There is a difference between saving in an ISA and maximising your pension contributions, which are tax free to encourage saving and contributing to a pension and elaborate tax-avoidance schemes that require the services of tax specialists. Extremely wealthy people who can afford expensive accountants pay less tax as a proportion of their income/wealth than average and lower paid earners.

@Backinnotblack

Oh a tough one!

Too late now, but the SIL’s CF’ery really should have been nipped in the bud back then! It does just highlight their attitude towards your money though.

I’m tempted to say leave DH to sort with his siblings as he seems fit with his money. If they want to fleece him, fine, or he pulls them up on it.

There is no perfect answer, it’s a judgement call, however, from the examples given, they seem to just see you as a cash cow. That doesn’t feel nice.

Generally, the person throwing the party pays for the party. Is there some arbitrary age at which it becomes someone else's responsibility? If so, I'm going to start planning my next birthday party on a large scale...

1-Village hall and a home made buffet provided by her children
2- word an invitation "Marge would love for everyone to get together for her birthday, we have chosen. "Inexpensive venue". At £pp. Table wine will be provided by us

MIL having a big birthday party this month. I’m guessing it’s coming out to be something close to £1000-2000. Think garden party at home with a marquee and catering, open bar, but everyone is in their 60s/70s so not exactly going to be a late night wild one. Dh and DB contributing equally to it. I assume MIL is paying for some things too. I honestly don’t know because it’s not affecting me. Dh and I have separate personal finances, but joint household ones. MIL’s birthday is a personal expense for Dh. He’s paying for it himself. Not coming out of anything I contribute, same as any personal travel or nights out or a new motorbike or clothes. He’s a big boy and can handle his finances himself. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for any of my family birthdays or be involved in any way.

DH has a big birthday coming up next month and we're simply taking all our adult DC to his favourite restaurant for a lovely meal. I'll pay.

He certainly wouldn't want all his relatives there, we very rarely see them - he's not bothered about friends either, just likes to have our 4 DC and DIL with 4 GC, so manageable group of 10.

If shes in a care home and FIL is dead is the home they lived in now empty?
It needs to be sold and money put in the bank for her. Then she can fund her own party and expenses, as I assume so wont return to live in it?
In the meantime let her use her savings to pay, I can understand her wanting a special.party,she may not have many birthdays left so let her enjoy herself, but I think she should pay.
Maybe you and DH could offer to pay for the cake, or some drinks or whatever as a nice gesture but you shouldn't be completely funding it.
However DH really needs to talk to his mum and his siblings

Can't you book the type of place where everyone just orders and pays for their own meals. We did this several times with his mum, also with mine, saves so much faffing about, especially with different dietary needs, if people want to bring the sprogs, they also pay for their own sprogs. Husband could pay for his mums actual meal, things likesurprise birthday cake could be arranged via group chat..

I think your MIL is at fault for planning something with the expectation anybody but her should pay but it sounds like it is a done deal and falling on her DC. If that is the case, no, I don't think you should pay equally if your financial situations are very different. I get that if they seem to have been looking for handouts in the past and have been snippy it is very irritating. They should have a) kept quiet or asked politely and b) been grateful when you offered. But it is what it is. This is surely MIL's last big birthday? Just swallow your irritation about the past (and how annoying you find your SIL generally!), offer 50% and let the other two pay 25% each. I know you have been astute but not everyone has the ability or opportunity to create capital and the world is much nicer when those who are fortunate share their blessings.

I think MIL should pay.

I thought she had care at home.

From the sounds of it, you aren't just comfortable, but extremely wealthy, so I'm going in that assumption.

Personally, I'd be a rubbish wealthy person, because my instinct would be that if I could pay for it/most of it, then I would. I'd dislike the feeling I was obligated to though, but there's no way I'd see others struggle to afford something that I could shrug off without a thought.

Given her health crisis, this may well be MIL's last milestone birthday, so I'd want to help her make it great if I could. Obviously that doesn't mean going into debt or my family going without, but if it would have very little impact (maybe skipping one of may holidays etc) then it would be a total no brainer for me.

Then again, if I was a multi millionaire, which I'm assuming you are from the sound of it, I wouldn't be making MIL sell her home to pay for care either.

I love how generous people are with imaginary money.

My mother in law had a big party at a hotel for her 60th, my in-laws paid for the party (food, a sit down meal and drinks), we just paid for our nights stay in the hotel, there were 50+ people invited.

If someone wants to host a party, they pay for it, why would you pay for it, even if you were well off? She's a CF!! If your husband wants to pay from his own money then fine, but i wouldn't be funding her party from mine or the joint money pot. Also if he did contribute I'd name your price up front, not offer to pay for the thing outright. They sound insufferable and grabby anyway.

Of If I was expected to fund a big birthday celebration for someone elderly, I would hire a church hall function room and band, and advise other family members to provide food and drinks. You can get some vey affordable great venues and perhaps a tribute band … Beatles / Rolling Stones etc…

Booking a hotel will come with expectations of a free bar and catering that is more expensive than getting either local caterers to provide food e.g hog roast, buffet or afternoon tea, and drinks can be purchased from a supermarket or even Costco.

I wouldn’t agree to pay for a big party for family members who do not appreciate you, but oblige you to because of your income.

Oh or the times when we are told such and such a really expensive bill is exactly x so don't be shocked when it is taken out of MIL's account, even though we never see the account as SIL is the only one with access.....
@Backinnotblack - do you think there may be something fishy going on with that account? Does your SIL have power of attorney over it?
In answer to your original question, if your MIL wants the party, she can pay for it herself. If her family wants to throw her a party, they all chip in with equal amounts. As someone suggested above, if your vultures in-laws expect you to pay for it by yourselves, and if you want to, offer a fixed sum of money to contribute to the birthday celebrations and leave them to get on with it.

I suspect that the big ideas will soon be pared right down when they realise that Bank of @Backinnotblack is closed, but there will be a lot of pushback first so you have to decide now what your line is ("We will give you £X as your birthday present, you are welcome to use that for your party" for example) and hold fast.

However.......you have a far bigger issue than that imo. What the hell is going on with SIL using her mothers credit card and being the only one with any access/control over her finances? I would be very worried about someone this entitled and demanding abusing her financially. "Oh dont worry about a big amount coming out its just this bill!" sounds like getting her defence in early.

ETA just seen the Xpost! Glad I am not the only one seeing this.

@Backinnotblack Jesus how entitled can one be? If someone wants a party they pay for it themselves unless they are minors! Your Mil sounds very entitled and grabby as does her daughter. I am very generous with people who are not entitled and grabby so with your Mil I would just ignore completely and not say anything about costs. If the subject comes up and your dh feels bad you can agree to split the bill with the siblings. Transfer the amount and then nada. Let Mil go after her daughter for money😄

It's imaginary money, but it's also reflective of how many of us live our lives. I mean, if I'm going out for dinner wth a friend who I know is hard up, then I'll offer to pay, or have covered the costs of a friend going away on holiday because I could afford it and they couldn't. I'm not wealthy, so not huge amounts, but it just feels like the right thing to do personally. I'm not saying that the OP should have to do this, just that a lot of us would pay if it would make genuinely little difference to us.