MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

Sorry have I missed something, why isn’t MIL paying?

Well the OP is not a money tree either and shouldn't be expected to subsidise her well off in-laws just because they have decided to expect it.

She pays... her party.

Or if 'children' pay then 1/3 each with a budget.

I would offer a set amount eg 500 and maybe buy the cake. No way would I pay for an open bar.

@Soontobe60 It's not shitty. Where does it end? The problem with many women is that they are taught to be a reed for every wind that blows, including on financial matters. Not in this house.

So, I am not going to pay for anything. As @bakingdisasterqueen @ALovelyPinkUnicorn @SleepingStandingUp and others have said, I am not a money tree for their expectations. We have a lot of money but we have a lot of commitments and also quite high expectations of what we need when we retire. Every penny counts.

And as would be nice for her to have something to think about and organise, I think it will be reasonable for me to say "What a lovely thing for you to focus on for the next couple of months before the big day. Look forward to hearing more about it when you've got it all locked down!" It will also stop any thoughts about us making any arrangements in her name. The bill would defacto come to us then cos as I say, any time DH has said he's paid for something we have always had a shitty "you don't need it" response.... when DSIL uses her mums credit card and everyone else has been told to request money back.... So we are already down...

If MIL wants to pay let her, if not i Think it should be split 3 ways equally by her children. Stick to your guns on this so they get the message your not their bank

I don't think you should pay for anything,your mil wants it so she should pay.
Certainly don't offer to organise or get estimates,leave that to her daughters.
A gift and card is all you need to give.

If mil “doesn’t want to pay” for a party she’s planning, her dc should have to? Who can I get to pay for things I don’t want to?

It's like women who arranged their own baby showers and ask people to pay for it or women who arrange a bridal shower and ask everyone to pay for it.

Generally, people throw you a party for a big event.You don't choose what you want arrange it yourself and ask other people to pay the bill.

MIL birthday, MIL pays. In our family (no one has money of any real value) the birthday person hotes their party. Now if it was a family meal you could offer to pay for MIL meal or share with SIL.

I like the suggestion to donate a sum of money on the basis that this is for MIL's birthday and for whatever she wants to do with it. So when a party is mooted well "we already contributed" so feel free to organise what you think appropriate, This puts the ball firmly back in the court of the whinging siblings.

This is a family I would be stepping back from. I've been in that position where some people expected me to pay for something or contribute more because I"had a good job" and made it quite clear that I am not their piggy bank. So I see where Op is coming from.

There’s a reason rich people stay rich - they’re tight including when it comes to paying tax.

Hello comrade @yeahwhatev ! You do realise that the money has already been taxed and that if there is no incentive people will stop having any impetus to create that money you love to redistribute? Or are you of the silly belief that people will continue to work as hard to be slaves of the state?

@yeahwhatev oh and do you use ISA’s or save into a pension? Or salary sacrifice? Cos those all reduce tax bills too.

Your MIL has likely got the idea from your parents’ parties in hotels. She may not know exactly who’s paying for what and sees her son treating his PIL to the best but not her. It probably comes from envy combined with feeling not as good as the in-laws - which is the attitude that you exude in every one of your posts too. There’s clearly a significant class/wealth divide in your family which I don’t think you’re sensitive to. Saying things like your parents would never expect a penny from you isn’t relevant as they’re obviously extremely rich - and by the same token you are extremely rich largely because of inherited wealth and privilege from them. This disparity causes resentment from both sides - you see your husband’s family as ‘grabby’ and without good taste, they see you as snobby and tight. I’d guess this resentment is underlying all the unpleasant interactions you have with them - MIL bigging up SIL’s parenting skills (probably trying to keep their end up to not feel so inadequate), SIL getting her £1000 shoes instead of from the ‘supermarket’ (just one of the cutting things you’ve said which reveals your obvious snobbery towards them).

It boils down to you don’t like your MIL and the way she’s made you feel as a parent to your kids so you don’t want to pay for her party - which is fair enough, you reap what you sow. I’d guess you’re also worrying about expectations for paying for her care and so who pays for the party is somehow more significant in your eyes (maybe setting a hard boundary now is actually a message to your husband- I won’t be paying for your mother so don’t even think about it). At the same time, as awful as your MiL may be, you should recognise that you have likely contributed to the poor relationship with your in-laws through your snobbery. You sound very prim and entitled when it comes to wealth - classic rich person attitudes. Your husband’s feelings about his family don’t seem to be relevant to you and perhaps over the years he has started to view them through the same lens as you which must be very painful for them.

Or the hen do with 18 people in a shared villa in Marbs… and “hey we”ll all split the brides flights, villa costs and party boat costs!! 🥳” ….

MIL wants the party, she should pay. Stop being the go to! What you have compared to others is nothing to do with them. It annoys me when lower paid people expect things from people who have more, simply because they’ve worked for it.
just don’t say anything about it, if asked just say oh, I didn’t realise we were expected to pay, I’d have said no, we’ve other commitments to pay for, sorry.

I agree it’s up to your DH to deal with, not because of the money but because it’s his mum. You don’t like her so it’s probably better you let him deal with her more anyway.
If I were him I would get in early and say - I think the party is a great idea, we would like to contribute £XXX towards it as a gift to you. Nice and clear financial boundary.

My MIL has asked to go on holiday together for her 75th birthday, to the place we all went to for her 70th. Leaving aside the fact that this isn't a 'big' birthday, she assumed from the off that she would be paying her share of the cost.

She must pay for her own party.

If she wants a hotel party she should pay. If she doesn’t have the money she can do it at home. I would be putting any idea of a big expensive hotel do out of the question unless she is paying. If she cannot afford it she needs to cut her cloth. Cheeky of her to choose an expensive pair of shoes if someone else paying at your wedding. Leave it to your DH but if most of the wealth in your family is down to you make it clear you aren’t picking up the bill. A contribution sure but you are not paying for the whole thing.

@yeahwhatev i can’t even tell you what vitriolic bollocks that is.

My DH has never treated my DP’s to the best whilst leaving his own without. My DP’s generosity has meant my DH hasn’t had to be on the treadmill like many people are and we have been able to build up our own base of wealth in a way open to very few. My DP have benefited little from that arrangement when he has benefited massively.

I have never said my parents have parties in hotels. They do as it goes. And pay for every penny, every time to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds. But then they are the generation that would still take a table to a charity ball and pay for the table as it’s their table.

I will give you one point. There is a level of disparity and it doesn’t flow in their direction which is resented. However, that’s because my wealth and my parents wealth have nothing to do with my in-laws and their frustration that it doesn’t go in their direction whilst missing the huge point that their DS or DB has benefited which ain’t my problem.

What does your DH want to do ? Yes I know he wouldn’t have a penny if it wasn’t for you and his CF relatives try to financially fleece you, but ultimately it’s his DM, it’s a landmark birthday- presumably 70 or 80 - and may well be her last one. Surely it’s better to agree a financial contribution now that is affordable, than end up with the inevitable invoice and arguments at the end. Presumably he was planning on giving her something, so why not make it her birthday present and head off the inevitable situation.

My MIL wanted a big hotel party for their recent significant anniversary. There was no discussion re cost at the outset and we assumed they were paying as it was their idea tho we mentioned we'd happily pay for drinks ( as they didn't want to provide any). Then it transpired my DH and SIL were expected to pay for the whole thing. I thought it was pretty cheeky as there had been no discussion about it and MIL is always talking about others being chancers.

On the day, however, It was agreed to split it 4 ways between MIL, FIL, DH and SIL. DH and I are well off ( my wealth) so I offered to add a further share myself tho in reality I actually paid more than anyone else as I also bought the flowers and cake.
In your shoes OP I'd get DH to negotiate on the split of costs and would not pay for it all but would be happy to contribute the larger share ( as we did)

Your in-laws don't sound great but if your mil has had a life changing health scare, maybe not many years left then if it was me I would like to have a memorable and enjoyable party for her and if I could afford it, I'd be happy to contribute. I think it does depend on what everyone can afford. If you make £200, 000 a year for example and the SIL has an income of £50,000 a year then you should be able to afford more of a contribution than her. It is your husband's mum so I would go with whatever he wants to contribute (if you can afford it). Your MIL should be checking with everyone if they are happy to contribute (as her present maybe) and how much and therefore organise an event that fits in with that budget.