MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

Presumably you laughed over the £1000 bm shoes and told her to do one @Backinnotblack? We are wealthy, my wedding shoes were £42, albeit in 1991, and I had them dyed black to wear as evening shoes afterwards!

We are significantly wealthier than the SILs, who are frankly potless, and MIL has rubbed my nose in it over various of her biases over the year. She's DH's mother, he has made a lot of money. It would be up to him and I'd stay out of it. MIL won't be here for much longer and I'm not bitching about something that's no skin off my nose.

Another one here as the more wealthy of 3 siblings sick of being used to foot the bill of any family meal out, or medical bill for the mother. Sometimes I think we’re only asked out to dh’s family meals to pay. It’s not the money it’s the expectation I hate.

Agree that for any married couple, it should be a joint decision, and you're a daughter (in-law) so it's not just like you're a new girlfriend.
I'd set a budget you're happy with, and make it clear that is the limit. The others can offer what they want, but be clear you're offering X, and that Hotel Y will do this deal for that-if they want anything more, they're welcome to stump up the cost.
At this stage, I'd let the past behaviour of MIL/SIL go. From family, I think some people just don't understand SEND-yes, you'd hope they'd want to learn, and SIL is presumably young enough that she should have understanding, but if she feels inferior to you, maybe that's why she pushed the I'm-the-best narrative to MIL? Not saying it's ok, but don't allow her to upset you more now.

Why should you (DH) pay for her birthday party? Is she definitely asking for contributions? It would be an elaborate gift.
If she threw a party at home you’d be kind to bring along a couple of desserts and a crate of beer or few bottles of wine. And get there early to help put up some decorations up. That’s as far as it needs to go. If she wants a fancy hotel party, she foots the bill - why would anyone else. It’s not a surprise party.

This.

Whoever suggests the party pays.

Or you do a meal out with the clear information that everyone is to pay for themselves separately and you (plural) cover MIL's meal but nobody else's except your household.

Are they trying to protect the house for inheritance? If a party is wanted by MIL then she should pay, if party is wanted by MIL’s kids they should split.

Agree with this. It’s divided amongst the adult children. If it’s too expensive then the parent chips in.

Of course you have separate opinions. You are not the same person. You might make decisions together but you will still have separate opinions

Discuss with dh an amount your willing to gift mil for her party and gift it. If it covers great if not the others will have to share the cost.

Have there been other parental milestone birthdays that set a precedent? If so, he should just refer to that when he responds to her - "DM, we'll provide what we did for DF/Backinnotblack's DF's X0th birthday - blah, blah, blah. If you want to throw a party (and invite us!) we'd love to come. But we won't be paying for it."

Otherwise, if your DH would like to help his DM celebrate her milestone birthday, he should offer her a lump sum to spend on a party or anything else she pleases as her birthday present (I would also get her a token gift to open, like a nicely framed family photo or a pair of earrings, but I don't think that's necessary). How much that lump sum is should be something the two of you decide on and isn't really something anyone on here can comment on given we do not know the ins and outs of your financial situation. But I think it's important he's clear that is all you'll provide so they don't make plans that take them over budget and ask you for it.

If your DH is upset at his DM's treatment and expectations of the two of you, or it's just going to be more than he wants to give, or for some other reason does not want to, then just ignore the hints and say "No, we're not up for doing that." if asked directly.

MIL and SIL sound grabby and entitled and I understand why you don’t want to spend lots of money on a party. Your DH needs to speak with his mum and siblings about this party, get quotes from venues and then make it very clear that the bill will be split either 3 or 4 ways.
Tbh if MIL wants a party she should be paying for it herself

1. Mil pays
2. Siblings pay
3. If a meal, everyone pays for themselves, and siblings pay for cake etc

If MIL wants an expensive hotel party, then she should pay for it.

In your situation, I'd offer to host the party at my home (obviously don't know if that's possible for you). That way I'd be able to control the cost.

She doesn’t really need a big birthday party does she? YANBU

Yeah I think it just won’t be an option. Oh lovely MIL, look forward to hearing the details once you have organised it. Mwah!

If she wants a party she should pay for it herself. It’s a different situation if your husband and siblings decided to throw one for her.

Your mother in law should pay or split equally between siblings and mother in law

If you can afford it just pay. You can't take it with you.

I’d lie in these circumstances and say you actually don’t have any money available because you popped all your funds recently into a LT bond (or some other investment vehicle they won’t understand) with the intention of using it to pay for SEN DC’s private school fees in 2028 or something. Say that after that it goes into a trust fund for him (and any other children) so won’t be available for wider family access.

Or say it’s in a trust fund for them now (to avoid IHT or Burnham getting his hands on it for whatever mad tax they think of next) and the terms of the trust won’t allow you to draw down any for any for other family members. Then just plead cashflow poverty from now until the end of time on that basis, so that everyone finally has to step up and pay their share. If the ATM is empty/out of order they can’t use it.

This!

OK, do provisional estimate of cost, you and your husband decide whzt you can contribute, have a firm ceiling and stick to it.

Imho, one of the points of being a married couple is that you have merged as a family unit and merged financially and your respective families become a satellite of that.

Dh and I in this situation would have a quick chat between ourselves about budgets, and then discuss arrangements with mil and anyone else involved, making sure everyone is clear that it’s an initial discussion and you will come back to them later on, see what her/their expectations are about finances and other prep (and manage them a bit if necessary) agree nothing there and then, then have another private chat between ourselves and then make a proposal about what you can, or are prepared to, afford to whoever is organising it.

We wouldn’t approach this any differently if it were his family member or mine as our finances are joint and these things have a way of balancing out.

Nor when it came to an elderly parent’s birthday would we take in to account how good a grandparent they are (it’s quite usual for GPs to be slightly more involved with their own child’s children) or what our future inheritance might look like, or any other factor, as that is over-complicating it and over-thinking it. It’s a birthday party, nothing more or nothing less.

Forgive me op, I may have this wrong, but reading your updates it sounds like you are resentful of any of your money going to this event! Does your dh feel the same way?

I understand you feel put upon as we are the ones in our family out of six siblings who always contribute the most as we are in a better position financially, and partly that’s bc we saved more and made more prudent financial decisions, so it does get a bit galling when we are expected to pay everything from rounds of drinks to family holidays but family is family and you can’t let this sort of thing eat away at you or you become resentful, so your dh and you must decide jointly what you are willing to contribute that is reasonably generous without going over the top and discuss it privately and openly together before going back and presenting your proposal to your mil and everyone.

I don’t understand fully what the issue is tbh. Is it that you don’t want to contribute full stop, or your dh can’t tell his mum that he won’t be paying for as much as she would like , or what is the problem precisely? I hope this thread helps you work things out anyway.

I do see that they have you absolutely over a barrel because they have no shame about it. I think almost whatever you do or say, they will book whatever they want and expect you to pay the rest, and whatever you do they will moan about it.

In those circumstances I would be rather inclined to do an absolute refusal, a dead No, from the start. I wouldn’t even discuss it. Just say ‘oh that sounds lovely’ in terms of attending as a guest.

Otherwise I would take complete control, organise whatever level of party I felt like affording (lunch at a gastropub? Host at your house?) pay for the lot and accept that in return you will hear nothing but complaints and griping about how controlling you are.

I think any halfway house such as giving a lump sum will end up with something extreme being booked that they will assume you are on the hook for, which will otherwise affect MIL’s ability to pay for future care.

Hand the takeaway menu back and say 'oh nothing for me, I've eaten '

@Formatchangehell5421 Nor when it came to an elderly parent’s birthday would we take in to account how good a grandparent they are (it’s quite usual for GPs to be slightly more involved with their own child’s children) or what our future inheritance might look like, or any other factor, as that is over-complicating it and over-thinking it. It’s a birthday party, nothing more or nothing less.
so do you mean it’s acceptable to treat a sons children as lesser than a daughters? And that even if your parent is awful to you, you should still pay for what ever they want?