MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

@Minnie798 everyone has to budget for things.

I too would offer a lump sum then she can choose the event she wishes and work out who pays the rest after wards. I like the idea of saying it's her present 🤣

Maybe even look at the places she would like to hold this party and ask them for quotes which you and your dh can sit down with her and tell her your budget is £££ from your family. Maybe when it's all in figures she can see how much she is going to have to fund herself or the other siblings.

Don't get drawn in any further.
She could have a lovely family meal elsewhere.

Of course you have separate opinions, you’ve voiced all your opinions here even though it impacts DH. Have you bothered asking what he wants to do?

DH and I share finances and wouldn't spend a lot of money without letting the other one know.
But we have different views about our parents and make different choices around them.
So what his view is seems the most important point at present.
It becomes a problem if there isn't enough money to spend and DH wants to spend it but if that isn't an issue why not let him choose?

So currently neither of you know what to do?
Tell him to make a decision then it’s his family and then you can just go along with it.

@Backinnotblack your answers are a little bizarre, tbh. Surely your DH has some idea of what he'd like to do? Does he not know his opinion until you tell him yours?

I misunderstood, I thought based on the original post you were wealthy and paying for the party wouldn't be a problem financially. That it was more a case of you just not wanting to.
Dh making the decision sounds like the best course of action anyway.

On what planet does somebody organise a big birthday party for themselves?At a hotel and ask that only one of their children pay for it?

You throw the party you can afford.

I am that sibling, who earns the most out of us.And I am hardly loaded.I don't live with a partner.I live on my own.And I pay high rent in london and don't yet own property as on my own.I can't save a deposit in london and I can't really leave london or south east because of my work.

I am sick and I am tired of my siblings thinking, just because I earn the most.I should pay for everything

I'm not joking when I go over to my sister's house.In particular, she doesn't want to cook a meal.And she will drive me out to a takeaway or hand me a takeaway.Leaflet and tell me what she wants me to order

She does the same when she comes to me.So when she comes to my home, I pay for food for her and her children, and when I go to hers, she puts a takeaway leaflet in my hand or drives me to a takeaway.And then she's conveniently forgotten her wallet.

I'm sick of it and I am sick to death of being used as an ATM.

Say you look forward to receiving an invitation and leave it at that.

Wow strange view on shared finances you hold.
the idea that one partner can just spend what they want when they want pretty much fucks up the whole concept of shared finances.

MIL had a 90th party…. A pub lunch in a private room. All 3 of her children split the bill which came to about £2k, so £600 each. She died about 6 months later. So glad there was no fighting about it. I don’t think YABU.

So if he decides to pay for a wing of a care home for her and catered meals from. A Michelin starred chef then that’s his prerogative too right? And a chauffeur on call. After all it’s his mother right? Not up to OP to be involved in any financial decision making. Right?

@MyPlumHelper I suggest you start forgetting your wallet too and just saying no I don't have the budget for it. Eat before you go, plan around avoiding dinner. Send a text a few hours before to say having dinner then be over, or I'm bringing my leftovers can I warm them up in the microwave later?

Make it clear you aren't paying. You are allowed to say no, it's not their money to spend.

So you don’t think the guys opinion is even a little bit relevant to the decision making? Why do you think joint finances means that only one person, the OP, gets to decide?

Takeaways are so expensive, Im sick of it.

Think my sister sees me coming over as an opportunity to get something she doesn't want to pay for.

I said, i'm the guest where's dinner?She would slag me off to our mother. She also expects me to help her with her household chores.And her washing up that she's let build up all week.And she said, her other friends don't hesitate.They just muck in and clean her house for her.... She doesn't work by the way.

if You’re comfortable doing so gift a specific amount towards the celebration then it doesn’t get out of hand

@Minnie798 it wouldn't be a problem in as much as the money is there, but it would take money something else. That's my point. @MaggiesShadow He's not particularly inclined to pay though as I say it's always a joint position. As @MyPlumHelper has it right, you are seen as an ATM with no thanks and no appreciation, just snippiness. It gets wearing.

How on earth did you glean that? Just because she doesn't want to be expected to fork out a small fortune??

@shockmethen Oh I have already had the request for chauffeurs.

See now, to me it's a no brainer then. Neither of you wants to do it, so don't.

If it was me, I'd be getting DH to message the siblings now saying that they need to decide what everyone's contributing so you can plan accordingly.

I would not pay a dime towards this party because:

1. She didn't bother with your child for years.
2. She sounds incredibly entitled to your money and expects you to pay for ger luxuries such as drivers. I absolutely can't stabd entitled people like this.
3. That whole side of the family sounds terrible and entitled. They're too good at spending other people's money for their own benefit.
4. I'd be genuinely worried that they'd go over board with this party, because they've proven that they will go overboard when someone else is footing the bill.

For these reasons, I would not pay for any aspect of this party. Not one penny.

No, MIL can't just make demands and neither can your SIL. Your money is nothing to do with either of them.

I'd say it should be split between the siblings and that's that. As for you paying for a chauffeur, I'm absolutely gobsmacked!

Has anyone actually asked for money yet?

I would say to the siblings that MIL is looking to do XYZ, let’s see what the cost is and we can split it.

then it’s discussed from the start.

your responses about DH pov are a bit strange. We discuss everything too but sometimes we have different views and one will sway the other.

I do think it’s awful how you’re treated. Especially the kids.

the other option is to say - what a great idea MIL, we can wait to come. Let us know if we need to bring a bottle!

@Backinnotblack just make sure your name is not on any booking.
Dont be responsible for the full cost, only your share.

@TheBrunswick god that's something I hadn't even considered. Thank you.