MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

[Backinnotblack]

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

I’d not pay for a hotel party (too expensive) but would probably host something myself

And yet it seems like you’re asking other people but not him. You having given a single opinion from your DH when it’s his mother and his family, only multiple reasons from your own perspective.
Do you not think his view is relevant?

If she already needs care, and spends £1000s on a party, would a local authority see that as deprivation of assets?

Sorry, that's an argument in favour of her children or someone else paying for it!

I’m saying op is over-complicating this, very bluntly, because it sounds like she doesn’t want her and her dh to pay for the event so she is bringing in a load of other reasons to justify that feeling, Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I am saying that everyone is at liberty to simplify this and just see this it as an elderly woman who is not in the best of health who wants a party and who may need to have her expectations managed a bit if they are unreasonable! It’s not the G7!

You have to have a bit of realism where family is concerned. There are always potential difficulties. You either make the decision to take the higher ground (within reason and without bankrupting yourself) or you don’t!

Get together with your dh and reach a sum that you are prepared to contribute that falls between being very generous at the top end, to the minimum necessary to meet expectations at the other end, and choose a figure between those two points which best reflects your outlook and your budget,

I would expect her to pay as she wants the big party at the hotel.

I wouldn't book anything until it has been agreed though. I expect most places would need a deposit so I guess going forward would be for you to get a quote, show her the total and then ask if she wants to go ahead.
If she then questions it then perhaps have a back up in mind (once you have seen the total) if a split with the other family members e.g. oh if that's what you would like for your present MIL then we are happy to contribute X amount.

Don't let your feelings cloud whats reasonable (speaking from a place of empathy not judgement...we have moocher in laws)

I'd give a fixed cash amount and let the chips fall where they may.

Your DH needs to say
"Hi Mum, would you rather a big present or £500/£1k/whatever towards your birthday bash for your birthday. I know you want it to be special so we are happy to make a generous contribute but dont want their to be any crossed wires about the offer. We camt pay for the whole thing as much as we'd love to"
(I'd hold back a portion of whatever your budget is to cover a perfume or whatever so she has a gift to unwrap)

How many people does she want to invite? How much do you think the hotel party would cost? Have other big birthdays been at a hotel?

An unpleasant unkind woman it seems!

This is the best response and I'm unsure why you are struggling to decide what to do.

I'm sorry but I despise people who think they get a say in how others spend their money. Grabby and entitled, awful people.

Next time she mentions it just stay breezy, look forward to the party, see you there!
It doesn't need to be complicated at all.

Start your own thread - perhaps in Relationships - and get some much needed boundaries in place.

@Backinnotblack if pretending to hide your available cash in an inaccessible investment vehicle is not doable (and honestly this would be the story I tell the entire family anyway to make it clear the ATM has been disabled), then MIL can have a party…. At one of your houses, or even her own, where all the siblings come together to cater and share the cost and organisation. If she is demanding a Hotel based party in a private room, then she should pay herself.

My PiL had their 60th wedding anniversary (when both were 83) and also their joint 75th birthdays in hotel private dining rooms which they arranged with the intention that THEY paid for it all in full as they knew that supporting young children with SEN (and private school fees accordingly) was expensive and they would NEVER take money away from their darling GCs. Both were retired, no expectation of being subsidised.

They even organised them near us (3-4hours drive) to ensure that it was as little hassle for us with their grandchildren and also so that their niece and nephew could get there easily with their even younger children (cousins live near us by coincidence). Because that is what loving PiL’s do. They centre the needs of the whole family. In both cases, we did actually slip behind their backs to speak to the hotel team and pay the final bill for drinks and any unpaid portion of the food bills - because we love them dearly and they have been the most loving and supportive PILs to me and DGPs to the kids. We’d have done it if it required taking out a loan frankly… but they have never asked us for a penny.

Start thinking of some options and then work out which you want, taking account of how you know it will land with others. Eg

Offer to contribute a set amount as a maximum, and make clear the rest of the money will need to come from elsewhere.
Suggest splitting with MIL and siblings either equally or you paying 50% and them splitting the rest
Say you will pay for everyone’s tood and they will need to sort their drinks, or vice verse depending on costs
if a meal with just immediate family, say you’ll pay your own and sort a cake but can’t pay for others meals.
Offer to organise something else cheaper
Say you won’t pay for anything at all.
Don’t go.

I can't be bothered its just that. I just found a helpful to know.I'm not the only family member that gets this and that it happens in a wide variety.

Your MIL should pay for her own party.

DH and I are the wealthiest siblings in both our sibling groups by miles. to be honest it’s a PITA as there has been some expectations such as we are fine to travel overseas to SIL birthday party. I just wouldn’t be paying for a party like this in its entirety and I would be vocal about it.

Speak to your DH and explain that you want the bill split evenly. Everything in life has a cost, benefit analysis factor. This is the issue with money and time for respective families. I find I need to like someone to want to spend money on them.

In all matters involving MIL I say she didn’t kiss my knee when I fell over as a child so there is no life long loyalty. This is the same for any in law relationship. Plus she has been utterly vile to me on a number of occasions. I heard DS say to his GF my Mum will be a great MIL as Granny was so horrible to her she knows how not to behave.

Why not just ask her who's going to pay?

Can you do a pre-paid package sort of thing? Where the hotel will include the room, 1-2 drinks per person and some appetizers for a set price, and then make it clear that's all you'll be paying, any extra is on them. I understand your frustration at always being expected to cover the family costs.

so if DH decides to give 20k of their shared money to his Mom op has to say ok sweetie, no problem?

1. MIL should pay for her own party as it’s her idea.
2. The siblings should all contribute equally.
3. DH pays for it out of his own inheritance money.
4. Suggest a get together at one of your houses or a church hall or something.
5. Laugh in her face.

I would find this galling OP, I think in your shoes I’d say let us know what you have organised and when and maybe consider a sum behind the bar, as well as this party will there be expectations to fund a big present

OP is asking for opinions, perhaps to help her and husband consider an option they hadn't thought of. OP will probably take feedback and discuss with her husband and together they will agree a way forward as she's already indicated they will work together on a solution.

I'd just be asking for fair contributions. So, ask what siblings earn and tell them they need to contribute an agreed percentage going forward.

Or start doing it as a loan, making it clear you want to be repaid from any inheritance and get it in writing before paying out more. To soften this, you could add that it's to protect your family's inheritance because you're paying too much out from your savings.

You don't know how much longer this will continue so best to sort this now.

Do you not realise how shitty this sounds? You clearly don’t see yourself as equal partners with your DH.

Surely mil pays if she has suggested it? Make it clear that the atm is closed. Why should you be paying for everything?

Why should op and dh paying for anything? How do would they be equal partners if dh uses their joint money to pay for his family party against the wishes of Op?