They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

I have a 'nice looking black purse' from a 'good' but not designer brand. It cost me £40 about 15 years ago and is still in perfect condition, despite being used daily. £1000 is an insane amount to spend on a purse if you're not wealthy, which none of you are. Imagine being given a £1k gift and it's just a purse It's the sort of thing you can't just be polite about and really have to say something about otherwise you risk the giver thinking you actually like it and face the rest of your life being given unsuitable and overpriced stuff you hate.

Them regifting it to you is the perfect response. Perhaps give them some of the proceeds so they can buy themselves something they do like.

Get her to give you the purse back, sell it and keep the money. Yes some cultures are more direct but in most cultures this would be rude.

when i had my first baby my employer kindly put 1k aside for a gift for me.

The absolute prat in charge of selecting the gift chose to spend it at Harrods. I think we got 1 teddy bear, 1 onesie which i only used once because it had poppers down the back, and 1 pram suite which we never used because baby wouldn’t go in the pram for months and it’s not suitable for a sling. I think i actually cried thinking about all the free nappies i could have had if i’d just got an amazon gift card instead.

Obviously, I still was polite and said thank you but secretly I do empathise with how galling it is to have someone essentially waste 1k of money intended to make your life better.

yes I put a small amount of money in it as is lucky in their culture. I think about £12

A 1k purse with £12 in it, has to be a joke

@penslas I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Edited because it sounds like they're a culture that would be offended by a "joke back". 🤐😬
I also did not know you don't like black🤐. You will get a decent amount if you have the receipt because it can show the history of the purse and that it was bought at retail.

Can we get a link to the gifted purse?

That’s awful and quite a sickening waste of money, very out of touch.

OP hold your head high, you got a gift wrong but she was bloody rude. Go high as the saying goes, be polite but distant with her.

If you think they’ll do this, then prepare yourself for it. And then sell it. There are stores that will sell lightly used handbags and get a good price. You’ll get something back.

You bought a gift, it missed the mark, that’s it.

Must be a lot of Americans on here, it isn’t a bag, it’s a purse, in the uk this means wallet. It’s a 1k wallet.

Crikey , whilst they could have been more gracious about it you can see where they are coming from as you’ve literally wasted £1k on something that you didn’t know she would like when they could have put the money to good use . Fancy buying a purse for someone you don’t know , it’s madness . Just because someone has said they like designer things it doesn’t mean they will appreciate everything and anything .

But didn't the op say that in the bride's culture you DON'T give cash?

Which is why it is even weirder the OP got tackled for not giving it.

I don't think it is "universally" liked. Everyone I know thinks it's a bit 😕. So it cannot be universal.

What!!!! What a nerve. Why cant she sell it herself? Or you sell it and keep the money.
Id have exploded at that one.

They are abysmally rude and you have been sweet, thoughtful and generous.

Get DH to send a message “please return the purse to us, together with all the packaging and we will put it on Vestiare Collective to hopefully recoup some of the £1k we spent on it. We will then have a think about what else to get you but please let this be an end to the rather hurtful comments about something that was well meant “

Then a) do not give them anything else and b) don’t invite the rude arseholes to your wedding.

At several points in my life I've been given expensive gifts of things that I really hated, particularly as at some of those points I was struggling for money and it was really hard to see money wasted on something that I really didn't want.

I think the response you got was very rude. But I do not think your gift was thoughtful (as in, you didn't actually get a gift they loved, although you did put thought into it) and I don't think it's being ungrateful to not appreciate being given something you don't want when you think the money could be better spent elsewhere.

I also think most gift givers actually want to give the recipient something they love, so should be willing to hear that this is not the case if they've got it wrong, and to try to change it.

it would be considered unlucky in some cultures to gift a purse without money or with a complete amount of money. So everyone would give £11 instead of £12. Or even just a small lucky coin.

What brand was it?

Is it like a coin / credit card purse or a small cross body?

I've googled Louis Vuitton, Chanel, YSL purses and they all come under £500.

OP read this! Short and factual.

They are rude and you are bonkers to spend money you don't have... BUT you can't let this stress you out 1 minute more.

But cash you can spend on ANYTHING. Surely much better than an ugly expensive candle holder or vase you'd never use?

But would it be acceptable in her culture to give them a grand in cash?

(I think the money in the purse is fine: it's a symbolic token!)

sorry £11 or £12 instead of £10

Yes, I've heard of this.

They just sound like awful people, OP.

If they give you back the purse, do NOT give them any money. Even if you sell the purse, do not give them a penny.

Not at all, it's Good Luck !

https://www.mentalfloss.com/holidays/christmas/20-traditional-gift-giving-superstitions

@Calliopespa not unless you are a generation above which were not. Almost everyone I saw bought physical gifts