They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

[She] is very anxious about being accepted by the family.

Clearly not!

What poor behaviour?

I know I got the gift wrong. I get it and I've learned my lesson that I won't do that again.

It's a different culture where this sort of thing is more normal. In fact no-one gives cash unless you are maybe a grandparent gifting to the wedding.

I am feeling really rubbish about it and am looking for what I can say and do to shut this down. I also don't want them to regift it to me at the wedding but also if they don't bring it up again I won't have an opportunity to address it until the wedding.

You were mad for spending 1k on a designer bag not chosen by the person, but they were incredibly rude and ungrateful.

As you by now have established, your sister in law is a mare !!!
Do not tell her how much it cost. Tell her if she really doest like it you will take it and give them something else.
Sell the bag, recoup your money and buy the ungrateful cow a salad bowl

The gift is not one I’d have given but the thought was from a good place and it should have been accepted in the manner it was given.

Rather than be arseholes and making fun, they should ask for a gift receipt or shut up.

These are not nice people OP. They have no manners and are bloody rude.

I hope they do regift the purse and that you can sell it.

People can feel obliged with family - even if they aren’t immediate family.

As I get older? I think if I wouldn’t have them in my life as friends then I don’t have to entertain them as family.

The wedding is not just your choice guestwise unfortunately so you may have to suck that one up. But they’d not be welcome in my home.

well kind of this. Spending so much money on a gift when you don't know someone's taste and choosing an item only intended for one partner is certainly.......unusual.

This. I don't understand why your husband didn't give them the receipt at the time so they could return it and get a refund. If refund date is gone, why doesn't she sell it herself? But for designer things you still would want the receipt to show it's real.

Complet inappropriate on both sides.

A purse is very personal, I barely use mine now anyway as most things are on my phone. Spending a grand is utterly bonkers.

They were rude. I would’ve accepted it and sold it on.

Whsts the designer as they all have a specific ‘style’.

It was an odd choice of wedding gift. I also would never buy a bag for someone I didn't know extremely well as it's such a subjective, personal thing.

However...
If someone buys you ANY gift, it's polite to act as if you love it.
If someone buys you a £1k handbag you act as if you bloody LOVE it! (and then sell it on Vinted😆)

Sorry your family are so obnoxious. I wonder if his 'mild autistic traits' are just rudeness as it seems his fiancé is the same.

I think cash is a bit crass.

Maybe ok from parents if it is a sort of "setting the couple up" amount, but the idea of wedding gifts is that everyone who loves you both gives you something that becomes a part of your home and you are surrounded by visual reminders of how they all played their part in setting up your home. A bank account entry somehow lacks that finesse.

But it is even crasser to ASK for cash after being given a gift. Why is she saying that if it isn't even her culture?

Why didn't you ask them what they wanted?

(BTW if you give someone a purse as a gift you should put some coins in it for good luck.)

Can you take the purse back for a refund?

And, I would remove these miserable people out of your social circle ASAP.

I would address it sooner rather than later. I wouldn't want to have this hanging over my wedding day - worrying whether they are going to re-gift it back and the fallout that would cause.

Get your DP to tell his brother how the jokes have made you feel. You tried to buy something nice and within her culture to make her feel welcome. It cost a lot of money and you had to work hard for it. It’s really upset you how ungrateful they’ve been and if she really regifts it for your wedding you will be extremely upset and embarrassed. Not sure what other option there is.

Not that you need to feel any worse than you do, OP, but £1k on a wedding present for someone you barely know - you are clearly very generous! The rudeness and lack of gratitude on their part is awful but I wish someone had stopped you spending that much in the first place.

It's tradition in many cultures to give cash as wedding gifts. Cash is also a universally liked present you can't go wrong with.

It was always going to be a hit and miss gift. Since they don't like it I would have asked for it back and have given them a monetary amount that you could afford so not £1000 but maybe £200-500. I would have then either used the purse myself or sold it to a business that sells designer items. If it is still boxed and with the stickers and receipt you might be surprised about how much it will fetch.

I understand not beeing an argumentative sort but that doesnt mean you shouldn't stick up for yourself. You could have asked why they were being so rude and said that whilstbyou appreciate it's not to their taste it was bloody expensive and cost you many hours in work.

I would have loved a designer purse. I think it was a very sweet and generous gift. If they bring it up again tell them to fuck off. Stop being anxious and forget about it. It really isn’t worth you ruminating with anxiety.

It may very well be cultural BUT manners are manners ! Your SiL is just rude and ignorant - she wants to be accept and be welcomed then she should grow up ! (your BiL should stop behaving like a spoilt brat)

They are extremely rude, but it was an extremely odd wedding present, although well meant

You bought a wildly expensive purse that you couldn’t really afford as a wedding gift.

You don’t like it and she doesn’t like it.

You chose something that a random friend who presumably doesn’t even know the bride decided would be a good idea?

Before making big decisions or purchase in future, I think you need to ask yourself some important questions about what the person would actually want. If you don’t know, ask them-don’t ask someone completely different!

If you are going to just foist something very expensive on them that they hate, you have to give them the option to return it!

😆

Was it Dior @penslas? As far as a black designer purse goes, most are fairly plain but Dior are ugly.

Your SIL was unbelievably rude, she could have sold it and said nothing even if she was understandably disappointed by such an odd wedding gift. Did you at least put money in it? Would be hugely offensive in my culture to give an empty purse.

Don't invite them to your wedding.

I think you have been VERY badly treated @penslas - you did what you thought was right, including taking advice, and your BIL and SIL have chucked it back at you, not once but several times and are even threatening to keep doing it.

I would ask for the purse back and say that you are going to sell it - then get what you can for it, give your ungrateful SIL £20 as a token and keep the rest. Neither she nor your BIL deserve your consideration, and you certainly should not feel bad...other posters saying it was too much to spend and the wrong kind of gift are obviously working from a British cultural perspective, and that's not what you're dealing with.

Bottom line is your SIL has been ungrateful and cruel, do not give yourself a hard time about this, you meant well and went out of your way to try and do the right thing. Hugs.

I don't understand about the receipt. Did your partner not keep the receipt for the £1K bag?