They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

ah yes, my Mother would always put in a £1 coin if she was going to buy me a purse ( tho I would have been a child, she never bought me a purse once I was an adult. )

Well you are not wrong, but I think that is why it is seen as a bit crass. It's kind of materialistic in that it focuses on "what you get out of it" and not on the thought behind it in choosing.

It's more detached and transactional.

I would be frustrated and disappointed if someone spent that amount of money on me on something I didn't like however I wouldn't complain. They are being rude and ungrateful. I would say thank you and try and sell it.

I feel really sad for you. I’m assuming it’s too late for you to return it (but not give them the money)

Honestly I wouldnt have spent that amount on an item i didnt know the person would love. Bags can be a bit taste and fancy.

That said the sentiment and effort was amazing, and even if you got it wrong the attitude is disgraceful. A simple I really appreciate the gesture but its not really her style can we exchange it would do.

Theyre rude and entitled and YANBU sorry your kindness was mocked OP

This. ^ They are rude and ungrateful @penslas but that was a terrible idea. Spending £1000 on a wedding gift was batshit to be honest, and especially buying something they never asked for!

And spending on a fancy, name brand purse? What on earth were you thinking? Many couples I know would only give that kind of money to their adult children - or grandchildren. And they would give the money, not spend £1000 on a flippin' purse!

And how is a purse a joint wedding gift for the 2 of them?

Giving them money - even half of what you spent - would have been better. Shame you can't return it, get the money back, and give them £500 and keep the other £500.

I would have found it very hard to not be angry and pissed off if I was your BIL and SIL, and I would probably find it hard not to show it.

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A 1K wallet? Definitely need to see a picture @penslas !

Me too. I got a £700 baby outfit for my baby shower! My friend said ‘I know you are too sensible to buy designer baby clothes so thought I’d get it for a bit of fun’
and it was fun and I have gorgeous pics of my newborn in the outfit and I wouldn’t dream of saying anything other than thank you!

Was your gift to him an interpretive dance or something?😂

Of course they are ungrateful, it’s a ridiculous gift. Why should they be grateful for being given something that they neither want nor need, just because OP spaffed a ridiculous amount of money on it?

They are incredibly rude. You should only thank someone for a gift. You're better than them op.

🤣

Fair enough. They are rude and ungrateful, but for a good reason! 😆

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Is the bride’s culture to waste money on gifts instead?

Everyone I know prefers cash. There, I’ve balanced your anecdata.

Let them regift this bag back to you, so you can possibly sell it and recoup some money.

They're rude but you have a really odd take on appropriate wedding gifts. Plus £1000...madness.
It feels odd all round.

Yep. I’m not even convinced on the rude bit, but they definitely have good reason.

Ask them to return the gift to you as they do not like it. Keep the money and treat yourselves to something.

I'm sorry they have been so ungrateful and rude to yo both.

I’m really confused as to what culture this is. Can you elaborate? And yes they sound awful.

@Sidebeforeself

'Was your gift to him an interpretive dance or something?'

best reply on the thread

and there was me thinking a hand made piece of pottery or a wood carving...

If they do regift it to you then great! Smile, thank them and either use it or ask the store if it’s possible to get credit? For yourself to swap to something else! I feel like they would.

Again, fair enough. Their behaviour is understandable anyway.

Fuck me, what happened to people saying "thank you for the present"?

Yes it was a weird gift and yes they sound like a pair of cunts.

Nah.